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Bride and Doom
Exterior:Camp Kikiwaka
Xander: Get ready to hear the scariest story you've ever heard!
Zuri: Is it the one about Gladys skinny dipping in the lake?
Tiffany: If you listen closely, you can still hear the fish screaming.
Hazel: No, it's the tale of my ancestor Olga.
Lou: The daughter of Kikiwaka founder, Jedediah Swearengen.
Hazel: Olga was the camp fox, much like me.
Zuri: This story just went from scary to delusional!
Lou: But Olga loved another counselor, Roland, and they used to meet in secret at the tool shed.
Zuri: Nothing says romance like rat poison.
Xander: Roland would bring Olga candy, and they would signal each other with a whistle.
Emma: (Gasps) That's a good idea! Our duck calls draw way too much attention. Specifically, from ducks.
Hazel: But a camper told Jedediah about their meetings, so Jedediah sent Roland away.
Lou: Soon after, Olga ran away to elope with Roland.
Hazel: But a freak storm hit, trapping her in the woods!
Xander: And she died there. Cold, bitter, and without a man.
Tiffany: Like Gladys on Saturday nights.
Lou: Legend has it, on stormy summer nights, Olga's ghost returns,whistling in the wind.
Hazel: She haunts Camp Kikiwaka, seeking revenge on campers for telling her father- By snatching them in the night!
Ravi: (Gasps)
Hazel: Feeding off their fear...and their legs!
Jorge: Oh no! Next to my hair my legs are my best feature.
Xander: So, heed this warning, If you hear a whistle...Run.
Hazel: (Whistles)
All: (Screaming)
Xander: (Chuckles) Nailed it Hazel! We really scared the pants off those campers! Jorge put your pants back on!
Lou: Huh, He really does have nice legs!
Theme song.
Interior. Woodchuck Cabin
Tiffany: Don't go!
Emma: Tiffany, I know you're scared,but you can't come to the bathroom with me.
Tiffany: It's okay, I'll close my eyes.
Emma: Nevermind, I'll hold it. And you should know ghosts don't exist,I thought you believed in that thing...You have to take it in school, with those wrinkly white coats and ugly goggles.
Tiffany: Science?
Emma: Oh, that's the one.
Tiffany: I do, and Einstein proved that energy can't be created or destroyed. So what does that energy become when we die? Ghosts.
Zuri: Yeah!I see ghosts in New York all the time. Blank stares on their faces,moaning creepily...
Emma: Zuri,those are models. Guys,there's no such thing as ghosts.
Tiffany: I don't know...That story about Olga really creeped me out.
Emma: You thought that was scary? I once found a loose thread on my favorite sweater. I kept pulling and pulling...And then,there was no sweater!
Zuri: She also gets freaked out when ice disappears in her drink.
Emma: Where does it go?
Interior:Grizzly Cabin
Ravi: Jorge, is this really necessary?
Jorge: Yes! I'm scared Olga's gonna get me!
Ravi: And I am scared of getting athlete's face!
Jorge: Well, no offense, but your sheet smells weird.
Ravi: That is called detergent. Don't worry Jorge,the ghost of Olga is not coming. No need to be scared.
Jorge: Then why did you run away screaming when we heard the whistle?
Ravi: Everyone else was doing it,and I am a natural-born follower. But trust me,that was just a silly ghost story.
Jorge: Oh.So there wasn't really an Olga?
Ravi: Oh, no, there was.
Jorge: And did that storm really happen?
Ravi: Big time. It was a record-breaker.
Jorge: So Olga did die alone in the woods?
Ravi: No, not alone. I'm sure there was a family of bears feeding on her corpse.
Jorge: (Whimpers)
Ravi I am not very good at this, am I?
Hazel: (Whistling)
Jorge: Ahhh! Olga's whistling again! Ravi,hold me!
Ravi: Fine,but you must shower first.
Lou: (Chuckling) That was some mighty fine lip toothin' Hazel!
Hazel: Thanks. You know, Xander, my lips are good for kissing,too.
Xander: You're supposed to be scaring the campers, not me.
Interior. Woodchuck Cabin
Lou: Rise and shine! Chuck-a-doodle-doo!
Emma: Ugh, I have a giant knot in my back.
Tiffany: That's my elbow.
Emma: Why didn't one of you sleep with Lou?
Zuri: Because, she's a kicker.
Emma: Well, if you don't get out, then I'm gonna be a puncher.
Tiffany: Hey, where did all this dirt come from?
Lou: Maybe something got in here last night.
Emma: You mean like a racoon?
Tiffany: But those are high heel shoe prints.
Zuri: Maybe the racoon was going out on a date?
Lou: And look at these letters scratched on the door!
Tiffany: So the racoon can spell?
Lou: Forget the racoon!
Zuri: O-L-G-A
Zuri & Tiffany: (Screams) OLGA!
Jorge: Guys, we were haunted last night!
Tiffany: Us too!
Lou: Man, that ghost really gets around.
Jorge: I'm so scared! (Chuckles) Look,a bra.
Lou: Olga obviously had a restless night.
Emma: She's not the only one.
Xander: Hey,Lou,isn't there supposed to be a storm tonight?
Lou: (Gasps) Jeepers creepers, Xander, you're right. Olga's coming back for revenge.
Jorge: She's gonna rip our legs off, dip them in honey mustard, and eat them!
Ravi: Jorge,that is ridiculous.
Zuri: Yeah, everyone knows ghosts prefer ranch!
Exterior:Great Lawn
Ravi: Oh, uh, guys, we need to talk to you.
Hazel: Were you guys haunted by Olga last night, too?
Xander: Yup. We were way mega haunted!
Lou: Dial it down.
Emma: All right guys, admit it .You're behind the ghost pranks and it's gone too far. You're making the campers miserable.
Ravi: And me! You try sleeping while Jorge turns your bed into a fart fort!
Lou: Okay, okay, but the Olga story is a really fun tradition. Our fist year,the counselors scared us so bad, I peed my pants.
Hazel: I remember. You were sitting on my bed.
Xander: I wasn't that scared.
Lou: You were crying for a week.
Xander: Pfft! I was upset about my guitar string breaking.
Hazel: You told me it was because you lost your favorite sock.
Xander: There was a lot going on!It was an emotional time!
Ravi: Guys,forget Xander's guitar-sock trauma. You need to stop this.
Hazel: Why should we stop just because some whiny CIT's tell us to?
Emma: Okay, do what you want. But Xander, I'll have to comfort Zuri and Tiffany, so I won't be able to go with you to The Spot tonight.
Xander: Prank's over!
Interior:Mess Hall
Lou: Well, I guess we'll set up for breakfast, then not prank the kids. Good times.
Xander: Okay, that's weird. Look at all those candy wrappers.
Emma: I suppose you want us to believe Olga left those,because she loves candy.
Ravi: And no doubt that "Olga" was the one who wrote "Angry" on the canoe?
Emma: Everybody's angry in the mess hall.The apple juice is just rusty water.
Xander: Guys,I didn't do any of this,did one of you two go rogue?
Lou: No way.
Hazel: I would never betray you!
Xander: Is that written in blood?
Hazel: Okay,I'm all for recreational bloodshed but this is messed up.
Lou: Yeah, this is officially the creepiest thing I've ever seen in here. And I once found a book entitled, "How to Cook a Sick Racehorse".
Ravi: Hmm,that explains the Triple-Crown chowder.
Emma: Well,if you guys didn't do this,then who did?
Lou: Maybe it really is Olga.
Xander: Lou,there's no such thing as ghosts.I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all of this.
Lou: Yeah,the simple explanation is,"Ghost mad,want to kill!".
Exterior:Great Lawn
Hazel: I just finished torturing...I mean questioning all the other campers,counselors and CIT's.Everyone said they didn't do it.
Lou: I'm telling you,it's Olga!She loved candy and wrote "Angry"on the canoe because her dad ruined her life.
Emma: Can't she just get a tattoo like any other rebellious daughter?
Xander: I still think we're just being pranked.
Ravi: If we had surveillance cameras, we could set them up tonight, after everyone else is asleep. Then, if the guilty party returns, we could catch them red-handed.
Lou: Hopefully not red-handed from our blood.
Emma: Where are we gonna get a bunch of cameras in the middle of nowhere?
Hazel: Actually,Gladys has a whole bunch of cameras set up around the woods.She calls them "Lumberjack Cams".
Emma: Let's hope she doesn't have cameras at The Spot.
Ravi: Okay,I will go get the cameras and set them up.If anything strange happens tonight,we shall see it.
Lou: The only thing we're gonna see is a ghost coming down from a sugar high.
Hazel: Lou,how can you believe that some ghostly relative of mine is lurking around camp,terrorizing kids?
Lou: Uh,have you met your family?
Interior:Mess Hall
Ravi: Uh-oh.
Xander: Did you see something suspicious?
Ravi: Nope,just a moose pooping on a kayak.We all owe Jorge an apology.
Emma: Okay,we've been here for hours and all we've seen is an incontinent Moose.
Lou: Yeah,we need to speed this up.Good thing I'm a ghost whisperer.
Emma: This better not be like the time when you said you were a bear whisperer.We were lucky to make it out of that cave alive.
Ravi: If you can talk to ghosts,why did you not mention it before?
Lou: I didn't want you to think I was weird.
Hazel: That ship has sailed.
Lou: Anyway,back on the farm,I contacted the spirit of my first pet pig,Snorty.
Xander: And what did your dead pig tell you?That's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Lou: Turns out,he was pretty peeved about ending up as a BLT!The point is,if I can contact Snorty,then maybe he can contact Olga.
Emma: But what if Olga doesn't speak oink?And that's something I never thought I'd say.
Lou: Okay,this won't work unless we're all completely still and quiet.Soo-ee!
Emma: Okay,you probably woke the dead,and most of New England.
Lou: Snorty,I know you're probably steamed about gettin' smoked but here get,piggy,piggy,piggy,piggy,piggy! Soooo-eeee!
Ravi: The only thing she's gonna conjure up is an angry piece of bacon.
Interior:Mess Hall
Lou: Ow!I fell on something pointy!
Hazel: That's what's left of my ribcage.
Emma: Lou,are you okay?
Hazel: I'm fine.Thanks for asking.
Lou: I was having a nightmare about Snorty.He was eating me with lettuce and tomato.
Ravi: We were supposed to be on ghost watch.I cannot believe we all fell asleep!
Lou: I can.These tables are softer than our bunks.
Xander: Guys,let's look at the footage and see if we got anything.Wait!Did you see that?
Lou: It's Olga!I told you guys!
Hazel: No,it's not her.If it were,she'd be whistling.
Figure: (Whistling)
Hazel: Maybe it is Olga.
Emma: I can't tell.Ravi is shaking the screen too much because he's scared.
Ravi: While I am scared,my arms are shaking because this tablet is exceedingly heavy!
Xander: Dude,you really should keep these things to yourself.
Zuri: Guys,when we woke up,you weren't there,and now our blankets are missing!
Tiffany: We think Olga took them!
Jorge: Along with my fartin' quilt!
Xander: Well if she wasn't angry before,she will be now.
Emma: Maybe Olga did take them.She was cold right before she died.
Xander: Kids,we have some bad news.The ghost of Olga is real!
Zuri: No duh.Welcome to yesterday!
Lou: No,he means,before,we were just pranking you guys with a ghost story,but now it has literally come back to haunt us.(Thunder rumbles)
All: (Screaming)
Lou: Olga's here!She's going to start eating campers!
Emma: This is horrible!Wait,just campers,right?
Interior:Mess Hall
Hazel: Guys,I called town for help,but they told me the roads are washed out.And then the phone went dead!
Lou: It's Olga!She cut us off from the world,so she can take us out of the world!Snorty I'm a-comin'!
Hazel: Don't worry,Xander,I'll keep you safe!
Xander: This actually makes me feel less safe!
Ravi: Perhaps Olga is benevolent!
Jorge: I don't care what religion she is!She's gonna kill us!
Ravi: I meant she may just be looking for our help.According to ghostologists,a spirit only roams this mortal plane if it has unfinished business.
Hazel: Olga's unfinished business is that she never got the chance to marry Roland!
Xander: But how will we help a ghost get married?
Emma: And where will they honeymoon?Death Valley?
Xander & Emma: (Laughs)
Ravi: Obviously,we should throw a wedding,and have someone stand in for Olga.
Lou: Someone like her descendant...Hazel.
Hazel: Oh,no!No,no,no!I'm not gonna be in some freaky ghost wedding just to appease a cranky dead chick.
Tiffany: Xander could stand in for Roland.
Hazel: Here comes the bride!
Emma: This is gonna be a whole new level of bridezilla.
Interior:Mess Hall
Jorge: I really wish we'd had time for your bachelor party.I had big plans.
Xander: Like what?
Jorge: Were were gonna be human chips,diving into a tub of queso dip!
Xander: So,we finally know what it takes to get you into a tub.
Tiffany: Enough about the queso.Let's put a ring on it.
Ravi: Let us begin.
Tiffany: (Playing bridal march)
Ravi: Oh...Okay...I know you love making a mess,but this is hardly the time.
Zuri: I'm the flower girl.And this cauliflower is the best I could do!
Xander: Don't be scared,Lou.We're gonna be okay.
Lou: No,I always cry at weddings!(Sobs)Even if the bride is a vicious,vengeful she-devil.
Ravi: Lou,do not speak of Olga that way!
Lou: I was talking about Hazel.
Emma: I'm not going out there in Gladys' old prom dress!It's ugly,and it reeks of tears and rejection!
Hazel: It's for the good of the camp!Plus,it makes me look prettier!
Emma: Oh!
Lou: Here come the waterworks!
Emma: Trust me,I wanna cry too.
Tiffany: (Playing wedding march)
Lou: Nice dress.
Hazel: Thanks.Gladys keeps it in case her pen pal ever breaks out of prison.
Ravi: Friends,family,undead...We are gathered here to unite Olga Swearengen with her lost love,Roland...Last name unknown.
Emma: Please post all wedding pictures with the tag "Rolgaforever".
Ravi: They were torn apart 100 years ago,and Olga is apparently still quite peeved about it.Now the dictionary defines marriage as an equal...(Thunder cracks)
Zuri: Wow,Ravi,even ghosts think you talk too much.
Ravi: Message recieved,Olga.Now,we will quickly hear the vows.
Hazel: Olga,I'm being you!And like you,I found a man at camp who loves me.
Xander: No,you didn't.
Hazel: And we are soulmates...
Xander: No,we're not.
Hazel: Destined to walk beside each other for eternity!
Xander: You'll be walking alone.
Ravi: Okay...Now for Roland's vows.That...That's you.
Xander: Oh!Right...I'll pass.
Ravi: Moving right along.Does anyone object to the union of these two people?
Emma: I do.
Xander: Ditto.
Ravi: Then if no one objects,by the power not-vested in me,I pronounce you,Olga and Roland,husband and wife.You may kiss the bride.
Xander: Olga,please don't make me do this!Show us a sign that you're ready to move on!(Thunder cracks)
All: (Screaming)
Hazel: (Kissing)
Xander: (Gagging)
Hazel: (Laughs)Kissing you sure beats kissing my Xander doll!
Xander: Does anyone have any soap I can eat?
Voice: (Whistling)
Tiffany: Oh,no!Olga's still here!
Zuri: The wedding ceremony didn't work!
Hazel: Probably because Xander didn't kiss back.Let's try again!
Emma: Again,I have to object!
Xander: So do I!
Lou: Wait a minute,where's Jorge?
Ravi: Olga has taken him!
Zuri: She probably wanted someone wo smelled worse than her!
Emma: We have to save Jorge from that angry ghost!
Hazel: Do we?
Tiffany: This seems more like a counselor problem.
Xander: Yeah,I kissed Hazel!I've already tasted death tonight!
Lou: Emma's right!If we don't save Jorge,then he'll be haunting us with ghost farts for all eternity.
Exterior:The woods
Tiffany: How do we know these are Jorge's footprints?
Xander: They're short,wide,and the shoes are on the wrong feet.
Voice: (Whistling)
Zuri & Tiffany: (Gasp)
Emma: I think I see Jorge.But I can't see the ghost.
Ravi: Right.That is kind of their thing.
Zuri: Look,Olga's leading him into the tool shed!
Hazel: So she can get a shovel and dig his grave!
Emma: Or maybe she's just totes into gardening?
Jorge: (Snoring)
Emma: Wait,so Jorge was just sleepwalking?
Tiffany: This explains where all our blankets went.
Xander: And why there were candy wrappers in the mess hall.
Lou: And this jam must be the blood on the canoe.This blood needs a little peanut butter.
Zuri: So the ghost was Jorge?
Hazel: It must have been him in the camera footage,wrapped in a blanket.
Ravi: And the whistle must have been from Jorge's deviated septum.Sometimes he makes that noise in his sleep.
Emma: And you didn't think to tell us this before?
Ravi: I am no gossip,madam!
Jorge: (Yawns)Hi!What am I doing in the tool shed?(Gasps)Did the ghost bring me here?Did she turn my legs into taquitos?
Ravi: No,Jorge,you are fine.And you are also the ghost.
Xander: Everything that happened was just you sleepwalking.
Jorge: Oh,that makes sense.That Olga ghost story really scared me,and I sleepwalk when I'm scared.
Lou: But why were you also sleep-stealing our blankets and candy?
Ravi: Obviously,after hearing the ghost story,he was stealing things that Olga would have wanted.She was cold and loved candy.
Zuri: I feel I should point out,Jorge also steals candy when he's awake.
Emma: I can't believe I wore this hideous dress for nothing.
Hazel: Hmmph,not for nothing.You look ridiculous!(Laughs)
Xander: Actually,she looks gorgeous.
Hazel: I know!By the way,Emma,if I die first I'm gonna haunt the heck out of you!
Lou: Just think,in 100 years,some poor campers will be throwing Hazel a wedding.
Exterior:The woods
Tiffany: There's just one thing I still don't get.Jorge,why did you write the word "Angry" in jam on the canoe in the mess hall?
Jorge: I didn't.I must've written "Hungry".But my "H's" kinda look like "A's"
Emma: But you still forgot the letter "U" in "Hungry".
Jorge: I'm also a really bad speller.Plus,I was asleep,and writting in jam.Get off my back!(Footsteps)
All: (Screaming)
Lou: Who is that?
Zuri: It's a ghost!
Timmy: Not yet,no thanks to you guys.It's me,Timmy!I got the check from my parents!I can finally come to camp!
Hazel: Great.Aww,this check is made out to "Camp Kikiwoka" so back at the front gate.Wait!Timmy...That blanket is camp property.
Zuri: Now that is just cold.

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