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Camp Rules
Interior. Wood Chuck's cabin.
Emma: Zuri, it's my turn to use the bathroom!
Zuri: I'm still getting ready! Hold your high-maintenance horses!
Emma: Come on, I'm sure you look fine.
Zuri: Really? Does this look fine to you?
Emma: Zuri, you know I can't lie about hair! Hey, what are you doing with my diamond encrusted nail file?
Zuri: If you didn't want me using it, you should have put it in a locked box, with a sign that says, "Do not touch."
Emma: That's exactly what I did! Oh.
Zuri: Well, I guess that didn't work.
Emma: Just hurry up.
Zuri: It's my bathroom, too. You and your giant blackheads are just gonna have to wait!
Emma: Fine! I'll just get ready out here. I'm a CIT now, so I can adapt to anything.
Zuri: Do you smell smoke? Thanks a lot!
Emma: At least no one will notice your hair.
Zuri: FYI, I'm gonna need another hour in the bathroom.
Theme song.
Gladys: Okay, first order of business, today's sack race has been canceled due to a camper finding a snake in her sack.
Emma: How is Kyleigh by the way?
Lou: Good. The doctor said she'll probably keep the leg.
Gladys: Quiet!
Ravi: Great. Now I can add hearing loss to my list of camp-related injuries.
Xander: What?
Gladys: Item two. There has been a rash of rule violations. Including a thriving black market candy ring, and the Woodchuck cabin's attempt to flame-broil their bunks! On the bright side, at least my CIT knows the proper way to put out an electrical fire.
Lou: She's my BFFF. Best Fire-Fightin' Friend!
Gladys: It's obvious I've become a little too lenient around here. So, I've decided to post these. The original Camp Kikiwaka rules! These were written by our founder, the famous fur trader, and summer camp enthusiast, Jedediah Swearengen. And many of them still apply today.
Ravi: Except, I hope, for the rule about leech-based medical treatments.
Gladys: Now, you CITs, it's your job to issue a citation any time you see a camper break a rule. And any camper that receives three citations must be punished. Remember, rules are the only thing that hold this place together.
Lou: That and what state inspectors called a dangerous amount of duct tape!
Gladys: Five dollar bribes don't go as far as they used to. Hey, kid, don't lean on that railing! I guess I should see if she's okay. Right after I make sure our insurance is up to date.
Ravi: Finally, something at this camp I can excel at! At school, they called me Rulebook Ravi.
Emma: They also called him Joan of Narc, Narc Wahlberg, Tattle Royale-
Ravi: Okay, I think they get it! Sheesh, you can not remember my birthday, but you can remember every insulting nickname I ever had.
Emma: I feel like I'm forgetting one. Oh, yeah. The Wicked Snitch of the Upper West Side!
Ravi: You gave me that one!
Emma: And then you told on me!
Ravi: I see your point.
Interior. Grizzly's cabin.
Ravi: Xander, check it out! Ravi Ross: Citation Boss! Freeze, ne'er-do-well!
Xander: You know "Throw the book at them" is just an expression, right?
Ravi: I am going to prove to Gladys that I have what it takes to be a counselor, even if I do not meet the height requirement.
Xander: 10-4. I'll have the kids make you a badge in arts and crafts. Oh, and maybe some lifts for your shoes.
Ravi: Uh, Jorge! As your CIT, I must insist you make your bed.
Jorge: I'm just gonna mess it up again. It's the circle of filth.
Ravi: According to the rules, "All campers must make their beds in the morning."
Jorge: Maybe I did make it, and a raccoon snuck in and messed it up. After all, they are nature's troublemakers.
Ravi: You also blame the raccoons for clogging the toilet.
Jorge: Well, they are nature's-
Ravi: Enough! I am going to need you to cooperate, sir. Please, make your bed.
Jorge: Oh, come on, lemme slide on this one, bunk buddy.
Ravi: You have given me no choice but to get tough! Ouchies, papercut!
Interior. Wood Chuck's cabin.
Emma: Ah, Zuri! Now you're hogging this mirror too? If I wanted to stare at other people, I'd look out a window.
Zuri: You know, you don't have to check yourself in every reflective surface you come across.
Emma: I don't do that.
Zuri: Please, I've seen you check your makeup in a puddle of maple syrup!
Emma: And I was the prettiest girl at the Pancake Palace! Zuri, I order you to take these pictures down.
Zuri: You don't get to be the boss of me just because you're my big sister.
Emma: You're right. I get to be the boss of you because I'm a CIT.
Zuri: You know another way to say "Counselor In Training"? "Not a Counselor!" So, CIT ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
Emma: Huh!
Zuri: If this is a written apology, I accept.
Emma: No. This is a citation for failure to respect a communal space.
Zuri: What are you, some kinda camp cop?
Emma: Oh, back-talking a CIT? Another citation! That's two. Say bye-bye to your boy toys.
Zuri: Oh, you wanna play that game, sister? It is on like Blake Shelt-on!
Emma: Huh! Ah! Touching my stuff citation!Stealing my citation pad citation! Write yourself up!
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Ravi: Busted perp coming through!
Jorge: Dude, what is the problem? You just interrupted a killer cannonball sesh!
Ravi: You did not wait the required 30 minutes after eating before swimming, as clearly outlined by rule 41. It was a textbook snack-n-splash!
Jorge: Fine. Just give me a ticket and lemme get back to butt-blasting that lake.
Ravi: I am sorry. Between the unmade bed, your tardiness to kickball, and now this, you are up to three citations. The rules state you must be punished.
Jorge: Why are you picking on me, man? I thought we were friends.
Ravi: Hey, it is not only you I have cited. Just because they are safety scissors, does not mean you can run with them. Hoodlums.
Interior. Wood Chuck's cabin.
Zuri: Quit it!
Emma: No, you quit it!
Zuri: Hey! My collection of "Corks That Look Like Country Stars. " If you broke Corky Chesney, you're going to be sorry you ever met me.
Emma: I was sorry about that years ago!
Zuri: Maybe I should just switch cabins!
Emma: That's the first good idea you've had! Let me help you move.
Zuri: Good! Because I want to get out of here before you burn the rest of this cabin down!
Lou: What in the wide world of Woodchucks is going on in here? Whoa, ladies. Woodchucks never fight. Except during mating season. Then it's no holds barred. Why are you two having such a hard time with this? Haven't you lived together your whole lives?
Emma: Yeah, in a giant penthouse. It's so big, my bathroom has a closet. With a bathroom in it.
Zuri: Lou, you're a real counselor. Do you think you could transfer me to another cabin? One with less Emma in it?
Lou: Hey, Woodchucks also don't abandon each other. Unless their burrow floods, then it's every 'chuck for herself. Dr. Lou has a better idea. We're gonna settle this the Woodchuck way.
Zuri: [scene switches to the lake] Does that mean beat each other with paddles? Because I'll crack her open like a pinata!
Lou: No. And remind me to stay away from you on Cinco de Mayo. You're gonna do Canoe Therapy. It's my patented conflict resolution technique.
Emma: I'd rather use my patented technique of just ignoring her for the rest of the summer.
Lou: Ladies, if you can work out your problems in a tiny canoe, then you can work them out in a slightly less tiny cabin. I really am wise beyond my years.
Zuri: Can't we solve this the old-fashioned way? We give you money, and you let us do what we want.
Lou: Nice try. Now, once you've worked your problems out, just give a tug on that rope and I'll pull you back in.
Emma: Do we have to do this?
Lou: Nope. You can always settle your differences buried neck-deep in a fire ant hill.
Emma: Canoe Therapy it is!
Lou: Have fun!
Interior. Cafeteria
Xander: Why are a bunch of campers working in the mess hall? Did the rats finally overpower the kitchen staff?
Ravi: No, those campers have each received three citations and are serving their time. Although the rats have overtaken the pantry. So do not eat any warm raisins.
Jorge: Hello, Xander.
Xander: Thanks, Jorge.
Jorge: And fellow bunkmate who should sleep with one eye open.
Ravi: Uh, might I please have a bowl for my chili?
Jorge: There. Want a knife?
Ravi: No. I have a feeling the chili is dangerous enough.
Xander: Why are you having Jorge serve the food? I saw him blow his nose in his own hair.
Ravi: I am merely enforcing Gladys's edict.
Xander: But it's not exactly making you popular around here.
Ravi: I have never been popular. In eighth grade, I was voted, "Guy We Did Not Know Went To Our School." But now I am respected.
Xander: Really? Because when those kids in arts and crafts found out this badge was for you, this is what they made.
Ravi: Why would they make this? Asked and answered.
Xander: Look, man. There are some good camp rules, like never give a bear an enema. But can I give you some advice? Don't sweat the small stuff.
Ravi: But the small stuff leads to bigger stuff. If I had not punished Jorge, who knows what kind of trouble he would be getting into right now?
Xander: I have a feeling you're gonna find out. He just left.
Ravi: What? Jorge has flown the coop! And apparently he seasoned the chili with an old boot.
Exterior. A lake.
Zuri: Hey, keep your hairy legs on your own side, ya furry freak!
Emma: Well, if someone hadn't hogged the bathroom then I would've shaved them!
Zuri: What are you doing?
Emma: I don't want the sun in my eyes.
Zuri: Well, I don't want the sun in my eyes!
Emma: Hey, watch it!
Zuri: It was an accident. Now this is on purpose.
Emma: That is it!
Zuri: What are you doing?
Emma: I'm writing you a citation for splashing a superior, but I don't have my pad, so I'm giving you an imaginary one. But your shame should be real.
Zuri: Gloop, gloop, gloop, chomp! Aw, an imaginary fish ate it.
Interior. Grizzly's cabin.
Ravi: There you are, scofflaw!
Jorge: You almost gave me a heart attack! I should probably go to the nurse. Bye!
Ravi: Halt! I doubt you are concerned with cardiovascular health, considering at lunch today you drank a mac and cheese smoothie through a licorice straw.
Jorge: I was carbo-loading. Speaking of which, I better go unload.
Ravi: Wait. What have you got under your shirt?
Jorge: Um, the tiny, fuzzy beginnings of a glorious chest of hair?
Ravi: Give me that!
Jorge: Dude, knock it off. Ha! That tickles!
Ravi: You stole Jedediah Swearengen's original camp rules! Jorge, how could you?
Jorge: It was actually really simple. Glass is super easy to break.
Exterior. The lake.
Lou: Hey, Pinecone Emma! Hey, Pinecone Lou! Your Canoe Therapy sure did help me and Pinecone Zuri solve our problems. Yeah, you're the best counselor ever! Pinecone group hug!
Xander: Uh, Lou?
Lou: What? I'm not doing anything! No, you're weird!
Xander: Whatever! Hey, have you seen Emma? The real one, not the pinecone.
Lou: Emma and Zuri are actually working out their problems on the lake. Oh, Lou's famous Canoe Therapy! A classic.
Xander: Yeah, I'm kind of a genius. I'm just waiting for them to tug on that rope so I can pull them in.
Xander: Uh, what rope?
Lou: Uh-oh. In my defense, I did say I'm "kind of" a genius.
Exterior. The middle of a lake.
Emma: I'm freezing.
Zuri: Quit shivering. You're shaking the boat, and I'm trying to do my nails.
Emma: You stole my nail file again?
Zuri: Yes, because the first time, you took it back. Now that's on you!
Emma: Give that back to me!
Zuri: No!
Emma: Okay, Lou's stupid Canoe Therapy isn't working. I'm just going to have her pull us in. Oh, no! I'm at the end of my rope.
Zuri: So am I. You're lucky you're still in this boat!
Emma: No, I mean we're no longer tied to the dock! We're just drifting out into the middle of the lake!
Zuri: And Lou took the paddles! What are we gonna do?
Emma: Um, maybe we can use our hands to paddle back to camp!
Zuri: Right! Uh, which way is camp?
Both: Uh-oh.
Lou: Come on, Xander, we gotta save Emma and Zuri.
Xander: Yeah, I just wrote Emma a new song, and it's way too upbeat to play at her funeral!
Lou: Don't worry, I know the lake's drift patterns, and it'll take at least three hours for them to hit the deadly rapids.
Xander: How long have they been out there?
Lou: Four hours. Ugh. Maybe you could put that song in a minor key.
Xander: Is it just me, or is the bottom of this canoe made entirely of duct tape?
Lou: No. The pink stuff is bubble gum. Paddle!
Interior. Grizzly's cabin.
Ravi: You are in big trouble, mister. First you disobey everything I say, and now you steal the rules? This is almost as ironic as it is naughty!
Jorge: Okay, okay, I'll sneak it back.
Ravi: No, you have done quite enough. I shall go sneak it back. Maybe we can blame the broken glass on a clumsy bird.
Jorge: Or one of your wildly inaccurate softball throws. Not the time, I get that.
Ravi: You stay right here, and we will deal with your punishment when I return.
Jorge: Are you sure you can pull this off without Gladys catching you?
Ravi: I went through all of middle school without being noticed by a female, I think I got this.
Gladys: Gotcha, thief!
Exterior. The lakes.
Lou: Why'd you stop?
Xander: Because we're paddling a submarine.
Lou: Oh, I just thought it was really humid. We're gonna have to swim for it! Ah! Hey, my feet are caught in some fishing line!
Xander: Hang on, I'll free you. Oh, shoot, now I'm stuck too! This fishing line must be caught on a submerged log. What do we do now?
Lou: Scream!
Both: Emma! Zuri! Help!
Gladys: CIT Ross, you have been caught with stolen camp property. Care to explain yourself?
Ravi: I am so sorry!
Gladys: That was no fun. I didn't even get a chance to put you in the spider box.
Ravi: There is a spider box?
Jorge: Okay, enough! Stop yelling at him!
Gladys: I haven't even started yelling! Whimpering Willie over here didn't give me a chance.
Ravi: Jorge, what are you doing here? I told you to stay in the cabin, where you can continue to break the rules and wind, with reckless abandon!
Jorge: Gladys, I'm the one who stole the camp rules. Not Ravi.
Ravi: I still do not get why you did it.
Jorge: Because you and I were cool before those dumb rules came along! I thought if I got rid of them, I would get my friend back.
Gladys: Finally, I get to yell at someone!
Ravi: Wait!
Gladys: Come on!
Ravi: Actually, this was my fault. Xander is right. I got so caught up in enforcing the rules, that I forgot that the purpose of camp is to make friends and have fun. I'm sorry. Bros?
Jorge: Bros.
Gladys: That was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!
Ravi: Clearly you have not heard Jorge fart Reveille.
Exterior. The middle of the lake.
Zuri: Emma, you're paddling in the wrong direction!
Emma: You mean away from you? Seems right to me!
Zuri: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Do you hear that?
Emma: We're drifting toward the rapids! Paddle! Rapidly!
Lou: Emma! Zuri!
Xander: Help!
Emma: It's Lou and Xander! They sound like they're in trouble.
Zuri: We've got to save them before they drift into the rapids! What are you doing?
Emma: I don't want Xander to see me with boat hair.
Xander: Emma! Zuri!
Lou: Handsome lumberjack! What? You had the first two picks.
Emma: Xander!
Zuri: Lou!
Lou: Woodchuck sisters! I knew you'd come! You took your sweet time about it, but I guess that's my fault for taking away your paddles.
Xander: Wow, Emma, your hair looks great!
Lou: We're stuck on some fishing line!
Emma: Don't worry, I'll help free you guys! Somehow.
Zuri: Here, use the diamond nail file to cut the line!
Emma: Great idea, Zuri!
Xander: Careful, Emma.
Lou: Hey! Hey, she got us free!
Xander: You guys saved us!
Emma: Let's get back to the canoe.
Lou: I'm so glad you guys are safe! And I see my Canoe Therapy worked like a charm.
Zuri: It did?
Lou: Absolutely. When it mattered, you worked together to free me and Xander.
Emma: So you and Xander getting stuck was part of the plan?
Xander: Absolutely.
Lou: Yes.
Emma: Well, I guess sometimes we do make a pretty good team.
Zuri: Yeah, we do. I'm sorry for hogging the bathroom. I'll try to be more considerate.
Emma: And I know you're becoming a young woman, and you need time for hair, makeup and stuff.
Zuri: I'll say. Being a woman is a lot of work.
Xander: Aww, this makes me feel all warm inside. Which is good, because I think I have hypothermia.
Interior. Cafeteria.
Jorge: Soup's on, boss! You know, if I have to be punished, I'm glad it's with you.
Ravi: Me too, Jorge. And it kind of feels good just to be a CIT again, and not a cop on the edge.
Jorge: Enjoy! Hey, that's where my sock went.
Ravi: Trust me, that is the least disgusting ingredient in there.

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