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Close Encounters of the Camp Kind
Exterior. Great Lawn.
All: Ooh!
Ravi: I am glad you are enjoying the meteor shower. But perhaps you would appreciate it more if you understood the science behind it. Fun fact-
Zuri: Down in front, nerd!
Ravi: I knew I should have gone to science camp.
Emma: Isn't this romantic?
Jorge: Popcorn snot rocket!
Emma: Wasn't this romantic?
Gladys: All right, campers, bedtime! My star gazing is about to begin. Brad Pitt body pillow, here I come!
Lou: What did Brad Pitt ever do to her? You heard the woman. The schedule says lights out in five. Let's move!
Xander: But at your own pace. Life isn't a race, it's a journey. Man, I should write this stuff down.
Zuri: Whoa. That meteor was huge.
Jorge: That was no meteor.
Tiffany: Well, then what else could it be?
Jorge: Guys, I'm sure of two things. One, that someday I'll headline my own show in Vegas. And two, that was a UFO!
Zuri: That was not a UFO. And I've told you 100 times that Vegas is not ready for a butt ventriloquist.
Tiffany: Well, whatever it is, it looks like it fell in the lake. Let's go check it out!
Zuri: Wait! We could get in trouble.
Theme song.
Exterior. The Dock.
Jorge: Now, be careful. The aliens could come at us from any direction.
Tiffany: What's that terrible smell? Jorge.
Jorge: It's not me. I know all the smells that come from my body, and that is not one of them. That one is.
Zuri: Well, Jorge, there's no UFO, so it looks like you're still the strangest thing that's landed at this camp.
Tiffany: Wait! There's something in the water.
Jorge: See? This is definitely from a spaceship. I'd recognize Zorbian steel anywhere.
Tiffany: Or it could be something that isn't made up.
Zuri: As much as I enjoy looking for lake trash, I'm gonna head back to the cabin. Lou's nightly clogging routine is more entertaining than this. Ew! This is the grossest thing I've ever stepped in at this camp, and that's saying something. Oh, what is it?
Jorge: Doy! It's alien blood slime! Obviously, the alien got hurt when it crashed, and left this as it escaped.
Zuri: Well, I hope for its sake, it doesn't go to the camp nurse. She uses fruit wraps as bandages.
Jorge: Like that's a bad thing? They're delicious.
Interior. Me hall.
Gladys: Listen up, kids whose names I don't know and have no interest in learning, it's time for the counselors to give their CITs a mid-summer performance evaluation.
Ravi: Yay! I live for the thrill of being evaluated!
Emma: Just once, I wish you'd ride a rollercoaster.
Gladys: Hand them in when you're finished. I'm off to my acupuncture appointment. And by that, I mean I let a porcupine have at my back.
Xander: Too bad I'm not evaluating you, Emma. I'd give those gorgeous eyes top marks.
Ravi: Well, you are stuck with me. So give my baby browns a gander, Xander.
Lou: Wow, his lashes are longer than that tapeworm they pulled out of me last week. Anywho, back to work.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Marsh: Hi, I'm looking for Gladys. She's supposed to give me a tour.
Zuri: Yeah, you're gonna want to skip that. Unless you want to watch a middle-aged woman cry for three hours, talking about the boyfriends she's never had.
Marsh: Yeah, I'll pass.
Jorge: I'm telling you, a UFO crashed in the lake last night, and there's a naked alien running around in the woods.
Tiffany: Why would it be naked?
Jorge: Aliens don't need clothes, because they have a thick exoskeleton. Plus, they're very free with their bodies.
Tiffany: I'm still not convinced that was a UFO. Maybe if we can get some more evidence.
Jorge: Ooh! There's still some alien goo on Zuri's sandal. You can test it with your looky-closey-thingy.
Tiffany: You mean my microscope?
Zuri: And this is the fire pit. We hang out here and make s'mores every night.
Marsh: Maybe tonight I can sit next to you?
Zuri: Sure. That would be a nice change from Todd in Eagle Cabin. He made me a necklace out of boogers.
Marsh: He made you booger bling? Smooth move, Todd.
Zuri: Ah! What are you doing?
Jorge: I need your sandal. The fate of the world rests on your feet.
Zuri: Uh, please ignore these people who I've never met in my life.
Tiffany: She's a kidder. We're her best friends.
Jorge: I'm Jorge. This is Tiffany. Who are you?
Marsh: I'm Marsh. I'm new here, and man, this place feels like a whole other planet.
Jorge: Interesting. And when did you get here?
Marsh: Oh, I just flew in last night.
Jorge: Huh.
Marsh: Um, it was a rough landing.
Jorge: Right, right. Can I touch your skin?
Marsh: Yeah, I'm thinking no?
Zuri: Good decision. I haven't seen Jorge wash his hands since he got here.
Jorge: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Tiffany: I'm never thinking what you're thinking. Just tell me.
Jorge: Marsh shows up out of nowhere. He had a rough landing and hurt his arm. He must be the alien that crashed in the lake.
Tiffany: That's ridiculous. Why would an alien take human form?
Jorge: Because that's how they roll! Haven't you ever seen a sci-fi movie?
Tiffany: No. Mom says I'm not allowed to see a movie about another planet until I discover another planet.
Interior. Mess hall.
Gladys: Well, CITs, your counselors had a lot to say about you. Some good, some bad. All of it boring. Here's Lou's evaluation of you. Yikes!
Emma: OMG! Lou wrote "Needs improvement" in almost every category!
Ravi: Aw. Emma, I know how you feel. Who am I kidding? I do not. I always get perfect grades.
Emma: Until now.
Ravi: What? Xander wrote, "CIT has not embraced nature." That is ridiculous. I have been out in the woods many times.
Emma: Yeah, and last time, you were sprayed by a skunk, got poison ivy, and had to be carried back to camp by two 6-year-olds.
Ravi: They were eight! And surprisingly beefy!
Exterior. Grizzly cabin.
Jorge: The aliens abducted me once. Now, Marsh is here to take me back.
Tiffany: So I'm supposed to believe aliens took you, and then after spending time with you, actually want you back?
Jorge: Yes! I'm a very desirable specimen!
Tiffany: Of what?
Jorge: Have you seen my hair? I knew I should have brought my anti-probing pants. They're just so heavy.
Tiffany: Well, if you're so sure Marsh is an alien, just avoid him.
Marsh: Hey, buddy.
Jorge: Hey, you. What are you doing here? Don't let him take me.
Marsh: I'm your new roomie. I'm going to have a lot of fun with you. By the way, cool hair.
Jorge: He's after my hair.
Tiffany: Wait, that's the same sound sequence SETI sends into outer space. SETI stands for-
Jorge: Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence. What? Just because I'm handsome, I can't be smart?
Tiffany: Maybe Marsh is an alien.
Jorge: And he's sending an intergalactic text to his alien buddies! They're coming to get me!
Tiffany: And you without your probing pants.
Interior. Mess hall.
Marsh: Nice shot.
Zuri: Okay, either you're letting me win on purpose, or you stink at pool.
Marsh: Let's go with the "on purpose" thing.
Tiffany: Ah. Okay, this isn't working.
Jorge: I can't believe I'm living with an alien. He's gonna dissect my brain!
Tiffany: He'll have to find it first.
Marsh: Well, all this losing is kind of making me thirsty. Want an ice cream float?
Zuri: Eh, you won't like what's floating in there. We're better off with something bottled.
Marsh: Coming right up.
Jorge: Zuri, there's something you need to know. Marsh is not from this planet!
Zuri: You're telling me. He's out of this world.
Tiffany: Uh, literally. He's an alien.
Jorge: It was his UFO that landed in the lake.
Zuri: Jorge, a UFO did not crash here. But if it did, and the aliens look like Marsh, then take me to his leader.
Jorge: What?
Tiffany: Zuri's never going to believe us. We need some DNA, like a hair sample, so I can test it.
Jorge: Okay. Not yours.
Tiffany: His!
Jorge: Great. That was a waste of a perfect strand of hair. Unless you want to use this to make a clone of me?
Tiffany: No, thanks. One is too much.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Lou: And that, my little saplings, is the art of beading. Any questions?
Emma: Yeah, I have a question. How could you do this to me?
Emma: Excuse me. Craft away. I take it you're peeved about my evaluation. Don't take it personally. I'm just a tough evaluator.
Lou: Yeah, I got that. "CIT Ross refuses to adhere to schedule." What does that even mean?
Emma: Last week, you were supposed to take the campers kayaking, and instead you decided to host a French braiding circle.
Emma: Well, I wasn't going to have them go out on the lake looking like savages. You also wrote that I am "often tardy." I am very punctual.
Lou: You were scheduled to lead this Arts and Crafts class fifteen minutes ago.
Emma: I hit traffic. The great lawn is extremely congested. I thought we were best friends.
Lou: We are best friends, but I'm also your boss. So I have to wear two hats. My boss hat. And my bestie hat. Right now, I'm rocking my boss hat, like a boss.
Emma: Well, I think your bestie hat is much more flattering.
Lou: You're still supposed to lead this class!
Emma: I know!
Lou: Yep.
Ravi: And that brings us to calculus four, where I got yet another A-plus. Or as my teachers call it, a Ravi-plus.
Xander: Dude, I spaced out like 10 minutes ago. Intentionally.
Ravi: What I am trying to say is, that poor evaluation you gave me will tarnish my flawless record, and I will never get into MIT.
Xander: Mitch's Incredible Tacos? Dude, I know Mitch, I can get you in.
Ravi: MIT is a college, and they look at everything. My record must be perfect.
Xander: Look, bro, nobody's perfect.
Ravi: I am. Academically, anyway. And I will prove to you that I am an excellent outdoorsman. I'm going for a jaunt in the forest right now. But first, I must apply a skosh of bug spray. Mother of nature, that burns!
Exterior. Great lawn.
Xander: Hey, guys. Can we talk to you?
Lou: Guess you're still mad. Time to bust out my bestie hat. It's a fedora, by the way. Emma, I know my evaluation upset you.
Xander: And Ravi, I know you're disappointed you didn't get a perfect score. We get that it's hard to be criticized.
Lou: Look, we know we're not perfect either. So why don't you guys tell us what we can work on as counselors.
Emma: Okay. Sometimes you can be bossy.
Lou: Take that back! I mean, if you want to.
Emma: And you are obsessed with your schedules. I mean, you laminate them before you go to bed.
Lou: Well, excuse me for taking pride in my work. And by the way, everybody loves my schedules.
Emma: Not the We-Hate-Lou's- Schedules Club. It's a tiny organization, but active.
Ravi: I have been to one of their mixers. Great cookies.
Xander: Guys, lay off. If Lou wants to make rigid, un-fun schedules, then that's her counselor journey.
Ravi: Oh, Xander. Always so concerned with being Mr. Cool, letting the campers run amok.
Xander: Gotta let the kids be who they be. I just want them to have a good time.
Ravi: Oh, um, and speaking of a good time, your "good time" camp songs are a little one note.
Xander: You are so wrong. I know at least three notes. I'll show you. This is a G. This is an A. C! Wait, that's a G again.
Lou: Ravi, apologize to Xander. His music is the soundtrack to our summer.
Emma: Don't tell Ravi what to do, Miss Bossy Hat!
Lou: Oh, it's on.
Xander: Hey, my guitar!
Gladys: Hey! For the last time, if you splash me with water, I won't melt! Now explain yourselves! I don't care who said, she said, what said! As counselors and CITs, it's your job to get along and work together!
Lou: Sorry, Gladys. We'll work on that.
Gladys: Starting now, for the rest of the day, you're going to be doing team building exercises.
Lou: Oh, I didn't mean right now. I've got popcorn in the microwave. Which will keep till later. It just won't be freshly popped.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Tiffany: So, did you get the alien DNA sample?
Jorge: No. It's like Marsh has eyes in the back of his head. Maybe he does have eyes in the back of his head!
Tiffany: Lucky. He can read two books at once!
Jorge: Speaking of books, look what I found in his bag. Diagrams of spaceships!
Tiffany: Weird. And I don't recognize this language.
Jorge: Probably because it's Alien-ese!
Tiffany: We have to warn Zuri. Zuri, we need to-
Zuri: Hey, guys! Don't you just love it here at camp?
Jorge: Two weeks ago you tried to mail yourself home.
Zuri: Well, good thing I couldn't fit in the box, because then I never would've met Marsh.
Tiffany: Zuri, I know you're feeling butterflies in your stomach right now, but kill them! And listen to us. Marsh really is an alien, and we have proof.
Zuri: Wow. He has great penmanship.
Jorge: Snap out of it. Marsh is a Martian. It's right there in his name!
Zuri: Guys, this is crazy! Marsh is not-
Marsh: Is not what?
Zuri: Is not late for our hangout.
Tiffany: Wait, where are you going?
Marsh: It's a surprise. I'm taking her away.
Zuri: And not fast enough. Let's go.
Tiffany: Did you hear that? He's going to take her away to his home planet!
Jorge: That's horrible. And quite frankly, a little insulting. He could have had all this.
Exterior. The dock.
Zuri: This is so nice. I don't even mind the rank stank from the lake.
Marsh: Ooh, I almost forgot. For the smell.
Zuri: You thought of everything.
Jorge: Now!
Marsh: Hey!
Zuri: What are you doing?
Tiffany: Saving your life.
Jorge: You can thank us later with a basket of mini muffins.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Gladys: Emma and Ravi, you must now push your counselors through an obstacle course, while blindfolded.
Lou: Why blindfolds? To show we can trust each other?
Gladys: That, and if you fall, it'll be super-funny. Now, prove to me you can work together, or I might be looking for new counselors for next year. Go!
Lou: Move right!
Emma: Uh, my right or your right?
Lou: We have the same right!
Xander: Chill, bro. I said chill!
All: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Gladys: Look at you. A big pile of limbs and failure! I think it's time to look for some new counselors.
Xander: But I love this job. I get paid to hang out with my girlfriend and toast marshmallows.
Lou: And if I can't work here, I'll have to take that rotten job as a bouncer at the dairy expo. You'd be shocked how rowdy folks get when they're hopped up on milk.
Emma: We're sorry we got you guys into this. We don't want you to lose your jobs.
Ravi: True. Xander, you can be a tad loosey-goosey, but that is only because you want everyone to have a great camp experience.
Emma: And Lou, that wouldn't happen without your perfectly scheduled fun. You may be bossy, but you're passionate.
Lou: Aw, you guys sure know how to string words together real nice.
Gladys: All this sappy yapping isn't going to complete the exercise.
Xander: Come on, guys. Let's finish this!
Lou: All right, here we go.
Emma: Okay, Emma, there's a cone on your left. So, in the least bossy way possible, I suggest you go right.
Xander: Ravi, you're good. Go forth, my man! Hey, hey! We did it!
Emma: Hmm, we were a lot closer than I thought.
Ravi: Yes. That was quite anticlimactic.
Gladys: Yeah, like most things in my life. Now, clean this up!
Lou: Emma, I'm really sorry you were disappointed with your evaluation, but you should know that was the best one I ever gave.
Emma: Really? Well, thank you. And right now, you are rocking that bestie fedora.
Xander: And Ravi, I promise, by the time summer's over, I'm going to help you embrace nature, like Gladys embraces her Brad Pitt body pillow.
Ravi: Thank you. And the truth is, I do like your songs. I actually sing them in the shower- With choreographed dance routines. I have said too much.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Tiffany: Okay, dirtbag, when you arrived, you said you had a "rough landing." Which is code for "you crashed your spaceship in the lake."
Jorge: And that's how you hurt your arm. Right, alien scum?
Zuri: Now, that's just rude.
Marsh: I meant I had a rough landing at the airport. An overhead bin popped open, and a suitcase fell on my arm.
Jorge: Okay, asteroid breath, explain the weird light and noise coming from the bathroom.
Marsh: That's my teeth whitener. It's on the sink if you don't believe me.
Zuri: I'd say they're usually not this bad, but I'd be lying.
Jorge: I've never seen one of these.
Zuri: It's a dental hygiene device. No wonder you don't recognize it.
Tiffany: And what about this? Explain the diagrams of spaceships and the notes written in your native tongue.
Marsh: I'm working on a sci-fi novel! So I made up my own alien language. Squeakel borp lurg nitz!
Zuri: If you weren't so cute, I'd shove you in a locker.
Jorge: But you said you were going to take Zuri away.
Marsh: Not to another planet! I was just gonna take her on a canoe ride.
Tiffany: Oh. That makes sense.
Jorge: So you're really not an alien?
Marsh: No.
Tiffany: Uh, would you believe we were doing a play?
Marsh: No. You guys are nuts! I'm telling my mom I want to go to that cooking camp instead. Zuri, you have my digits.
Tiffany: So he cooks, too? Wow, you're a lucky girl. Oh, right.
Exterior. The dock.
Jorge: Zuri, we're really sorry about Marsh. We didn't mean to scare him away.
Tiffany: Well, technically we did, but that was when we thought he was an alien. We just wanted to protect you.
Zuri: Maybe next time you could protect me from Todd in Eagle Cabin. He leaves dead bugs on my pillow. Ooh, I think he's flirting.
Tiffany: I still don't understand what that metal was that we found in the lake. Or where that blue goo came from.
Gladys: Hey, kids. It's safe to swim in the lake again.
Zuri: You never told us it wasn't safe.
Gladys: What, like that's my job? Look, a boat engine blew the other day. There was metal and blue fluid everywhere. But it's cleaned up, and now the lake is only mildly toxic.
Zuri: So much for your alien. You can blame these two for scaring away your new camper.
Gladys: What are you talking about? There wasn't any new camper. You guys are annoying enough.
Tiffany: So maybe Marsh was an alien?
Jorge: If he was, I kind of wish he'd taken me. Something tells me, I'd fit in a lot better up there.
Zuri: Couldn't fit in worse.

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