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Welcome to Camp Kikiwaka

Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room?
I haven't even looked at your legs yet.
No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight.
No! Back off, mister!
I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder.
OMG!
None.
Not really. They're sticky.
Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that.
And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth!
Really?
Did she just say "in pieces"?
Is archery part of the obstacle course?
And I'd like to keep it there, so let's not get the girl with access to arrows angry. Ah! Look, I'm doing it!
Well, I'm better than those worms I just fell on.
I can't believe there's still mud in my ears.
Today was a disaster. Instead of being a super counselor like Mom, I'm the lamest CIT ever.
Bears don't hibernate in the summer.
Yay! Xander sent me a text on paper!
He wants me to sneak out tonight and meet him at The Spot! Whoo-wee!
Would you please go back to the cabin?
Are you okay?
Uh, a giant foot, duh. I'm really hoping that's your stomach.
Do you think it's the Kikiwaka?
Xander!
So, first you shoot an arrow at me, then you knock me into the mud, and then you send me off into the woods to die? I'm starting to think you don't like me.
Ravi panics a lot, so I've picked up a little Hindi.
Okay, look, everyone needs to calm down. I'm going to get us out of this!
Because everything you've put me through has taught me I'm tougher than I thought. Now, let's scare this thing off!
Okay, we know animals are scared of bright lights...
Oh!
We also know they hate loud, annoying noises.
Okay, all in favor of attacking this thing, instead of just sitting here waiting to be eaten, say I!
Thank you, Lou.
Okay, I think I've got it.
You know, my mom was right. I think this is going to be a pretty good summer.
You already tried that last night, remember?

Gone Girl

Stamps, postcards, the last shreds of my self-respect.
Gladys is making us. Apparently varicose vein removal is not cheap.
How can a pint of ice cream and a George Clooney movie stand you up?
Sheesh, you post bail for a guy, and he doesn't even take you to dinner?
Will Xander ever ask me out? Ugh, this stupid eight-ball isn't magic at all.
Hi, Lou.
I'm totes bummed about Xander. It's been a week and he still hasn't asked me out. I thought he liked me.
You're right. I'm going to stop obsessing over him. I don't care if I ever see Xander again.
Hey Xander!
I'd love to go out with you, Xander.
You've decided to go to clown camp?
That's ridiculous! Xander is the nicest guy in the world. He wouldn't hurt a fly.
With those dreamy eyes, he could run a puppy mill, and I'd still go out with him.
You're going to make a great clown, because that was hilarious. Plus, you can fit in the little car.
Oh, great! Well, this is comfy.
Xander, you are so thoughtful. You would not believe the crazy stuff Ravi said about you.
I've heard that, too!
Uh, Xander, why are you sharpening that axe?
Uh why is there a hole there?
Gee, it's getting pretty cold. I think I'll go back to the camp and get a blanket. And the police.
You're not?
You have? When I first saw you, I just wondered how many push-ups you could do.
How dare you try to hurt me!
Ravi was right! You were going to chop me up with an axe, put me in a garbage bag, and bury me in that hole!
But Ravi overheard you talking about shredding with your axe.
Oh! So, then, I'm assuming your ex, Amanda, isn't dead?
Well, this is the most embarrassing moment of my life, and once, at Fashion Week, I had to sit in the second row. Can you ever forgive me?
And I'm really sorry I let Ravi almost ruin our date.
I spoke too soon.
You know what I'm really happy about?
That when I was beating you with that tree branch, I didn't hit your face.

Camp Rules

Zuri, it's my turn to use the bathroom!
Come on, I'm sure you look fine.
Zuri, you know I can't lie about hair! Hey, what are you doing with my diamond encrusted nail file?
That's exactly what I did! Oh.
Just hurry up.
Fine! I'll just get ready out here. I'm a CIT now, so I can adapt to anything.
At least no one will notice your hair.
How is Kyleigh by the way?
They also called him Joan of Narc, Narc Wahlberg, Tattle Royale-
I feel like I'm forgetting one. Oh, yeah. The Wicked Snitch of the Upper West Side!
And then you told on me!
Ah, Zuri! Now you're hogging this mirror too? If I wanted to stare at other people, I'd look out a window.
I don't do that.
And I was the prettiest girl at the Pancake Palace! Zuri, I order you to take these pictures down.
You're right. I get to be the boss of you because I'm a CIT.
Huh!
No. This is a citation for failure to respect a communal space.
Oh, back-talking a CIT? Another citation! That's two. Say bye-bye to your boy toys.
Huh! Ah! Touching my stuff citation! Stealing my citation pad citation! Write yourself up!
No, you quit it!
I was sorry about that years ago!
That's the first good idea you've had! Let me help you move.
Yeah, in a giant penthouse. It's so big, my bathroom has a closet. With a bathroom in it.
I'd rather use my patented technique of just ignoring her for the rest of the summer.
Do we have to do this?
Canoe Therapy it is!
Well, if someone hadn't hogged the bathroom then I would've shaved them!
I don't want the sun in my eyes.
Hey, watch it!
That is it!
I'm writing you a citation for splashing a superior, but I don't have my pad, so I'm giving you an imaginary one. But your shame should be real.
I'm freezing.
You stole my nail file again?
Give that back to me!
Okay, Lou's stupid Canoe Therapy isn't working. I'm just going to have her pull us in. Oh, no! I'm at the end of my rope.
No, I mean we're no longer tied to the dock! We're just drifting out into the middle of the lake!
Um, maybe we can use our hands to paddle back to camp!
You mean away from you? Seems right to me!
We're drifting toward the rapids! Paddle! Rapidly!
It's Lou and Xander! They sound like they're in trouble.
I don't want Xander to see me with boat hair.
Xander!
Don't worry, I'll help free you guys! Somehow.
Great idea, Zuri.
Let's get back to the canoe.
So you and Xander getting stuck was part of the plan?
Well, I guess sometimes we do make a pretty good team.
And I know you're becoming a young woman, and you need time for hair, makeup and stuff.

Smells Like Camp Spirit

I guess the forest turns a blind eye to Gladys' daily raw sewage dump.
That's ridiculous, there's no such thing as bad luck.
Thank you, but no. I don't know why people are so excited about a stick.
Xander, you might want to invest on some curtains.
Oh, hey Mrs. Kipling. Before you go to basketball, can I get your opinion on this not I write? Girl to girl? "Xander, your awesome and I want to make your dream of becoming the spirit stick guardian come true! XOXOXO, Emma" Your right. One too many XOs, don't wanna come down to strong!
Guess what? I gave the spirit stick to Xander!
That's not gonna happen. The only thing we are knee deep around here is pond scum and body odor.
Look, Xander wants to be the guardian of the stick, and I want to be the guardian of Xander!
You guys are just being superstitious. Bad luck it not real! Oh! That was just a coincidence. A really painful coincidence.
For the last time, there's no such thing as bad luck.
Okay, the bad luck is real. Let's get that stick back!
I said I'd do the talking. Xander, we would really appreciate it if you give the stick back.
Of course I did. I'll get you something else. Do you like baseball? I'll buy you season tickets, or a team!
Yes! So we're agreed. How do you feel about the Yankees?Remember, they can't know that we were here, so don't disturb anything.
Nose hair remover, jock itch powder, wart remover? Oh, please let these not be Xander's.
Heya, slugger.
Well we wouldn't have to if you had given it back like a gentlemen.
Someone whose tush is full of splinters.
Well, it we didn't find it, and you didn't move it. Then who has it?
I don't want him, you can have him.
No, just a horde of fire ants. Now the bad luck it biting.
So the spirit stick really is gone! We're doomed!
I should of never given the stick away. This is all my fault.
Uh, well technically Xander had it last. So it you really think about it, it is really all his fault.
Please great wood spirits. Don't punish the rest of the campers just because I was a bad guardian!
Who cares about the shoes? We have to help Ravi!
Anyway...After everything that's happened, I think it would be best to keep the stick in the mess hall, so we can all be it's guardians.
She's gonna make another hair doll.

The Ones That Got Away

Freshwater, sparkling water, you name it! I'll even throw in a twist of lime!
OMG! Xander just asked me out on a fishing date. We get to spend all day in a canoe together. It'll be so romantic! So, did you get a Mr. Right to partner with?
Because you bring all the girls here?
I don't know, maybe a crop top and a little extra lipstick. (Gasps) I can't believe you just chopped that poor worm in half.
I don't know if I'm talking to your front or your back, but I'm extremely sorry about this.
So, Xander. In your spare time, what do you like to do for fun?
I don't know, but I would be, if I'd just watched my friends get chopped in half. Maybe you'd care about them more if you knew their names.
Not all of it! Just Willie and Waldo. And Wilma, Wendell, Wanda Aw, she's a nut.
Because I wanted to spend time with you. You know, just the two of us on a lake together all day. But all you wanna do is fish.
You just described my perfect weekend! Well, there must be something we both like to do.
Xander, this is serious. If we're going to start a relationship together, we should get to know each other more. I'll start. My dream is to open a design house in Paris.
You mean you'll start with that, then you'll open your own music label and eventually build a music empire?
But I'm going to be based in New York. That'd be weird if my husband didn't live there with me. I mean, the neighbors will talk.
Oh, that was such a cute misunderstanding. I was going to tell that story at our wedding.
We are having a live band!
Fine! Who knew the worms would have a better day than me!
Well, I just found out I have nothing in common with my guy. Today I went fishing with him, and I hated it.
It's not just that. I mean, we like each other now, but we want different things in the future. His only goal in life is to sell guitars.
Jeez, she really takes the "glad" out of "Glad-ys."
Still trying for that bass, huh?
Look, Xander. We need to talk. I'm really sorry about-
I had a great catch, too, but I lost him. He had big green eyes, and a huge smile, and could play guitar like an angel.

Can You Hear Me Now

Friending with the Enemy

Secret Santa

There's No Place Like Camp

Luke's Back

Love is for the Birds

Live From Camp Kikiwaka

Xander Says Goodbye

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