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Food Fight
Mess hall.
Murphy: Welcome to lunch. Today's theme is surf and turf. Bon appetite!
Ravi: Mmm, ceviche. Wait, why is there a little treasure chest in here?
Murphy: Oh, I must have scooped it up by accident when I was grabbing the goldfish.
Lou: Ew! My goats wouldn't even eat this stuff, and they once ate our septic tank.
Murphy: Okay, okay, so guys you're not fans of the "surf." Perhaps you'll find the "turf" acceptable. There ya go. Some nice, healthy greens harvested fresh from the Camp Champion football field.
Xander: Murphy, you can't seriously expect us to eat that.
Murphy: That's the 50 yard line! That's the best cut of the field! Listen, I'm doing my best. So, quit givin' me carp!
Emma: If we had carp we'd be eating it!
Murphy: Fine. You hotshots think you can do better than me, then you can make dinner for the campers tonight.
Ravi: I think we can, and we will.
Lou: Finally, we'll have a decent meal around here.
Murphy: We'll see. Oh! And since you guys aren't eating the turf, I'll help myself.

Mm. That weed killer gives it a real tang.

Theme song.
The Great Lawn.
Lou: We finally get to make a good dinner! Can I get a E-I-E-I-Oh, yeah!
Ravi: And a rousing huzzah!
Lou: When you have an E-I-E-I-Oh, yeah, you really don't need a huzzah.
Emma: But four cooks in the kitchen might be like Like What's the phrase when there are too many cooks in the kitchen?
Xander: Too many cooks in the kitchen?
Emma: No-
Ravi: Well, I think the Grizzlies should be in charge.
Emma: The only thing you've ever been in charge of is the reptile club. And that's because you were the only member.
Ravi: That is not true.
Emma: Mrs. Kipling doesn't count.
Ravi: Well, it just so happens, in middle school, I cooked for myself every day.
Emma: That's because you kept getting your lunch money stolen.
Ravi: And I am still waiting for Zuri to apologize.
Lou: Well, I think the Woodchucks should be in charge. I once made dinner for one hundred.
Xander: Were they cows, Lou?
Lou: No- They were goats.
Zuri: Hey, Jorge, what's funnier than a bunch of fools trying to cook dinner?
Jorge: Prop comedy?
Zuri: I have to stop asking you questions. No, a video about a bunch of fools trying to cook dinner. I bet it'll go viral. Hey, friends, family Xander. Since you guys can't agree on who should prepare dinner tonight, why don't you have a competition? Like that show, Chopped?
Emma: Oooh, I love that show! I talk about it all the time. Right, Xander?
Xander: All. The. Time.
Lou: So let's do it. It'll be Woodchucks versus Grizzlies!
Ravi: It is on like chateaubriand!
Jorge: It worked!
Zuri: Four angry teenagers in a room where everything is either sharp, hot, or greasy? That's gonna be total click bait!
Ravi: The Woodchucks are going to be humiliated on the Internet!
Emma: Big talk from a guy who went viral by being chased up a tree.
Ravi: That dog was vicious!
Emma: It was an elderly Chihuahua.
The kitchen.
Jorge: Two teams.
Zuri: Two crates of mystery ingredients.
Jorge: Two hosts.
Zuri: I'm Zuri Ross.
Jorge: And I'm-
Zuri: Not important. Welcome to Diced!
Jorge: And I'm-
Zuri: Time to meet the "celebrity" judge! He's a 15-year vet of the Camp Kikiwaka kitchen and the inventor of rat-dropping-atouille Murphy!
Murphy: The secret is using only the freshest of droppings. Sometimes you gotta follow 'em around for days.
Zuri: You should have kept that a secret.
Jorge: And I'm-
Zuri: Time to meet our two teams!
Lou: Howdy!
Zuri: This is Lou Hockhauser, whose favorite dish is goat.
Lou: What?
Zuri: Excuse me, favorite friend is a goat.
Lou: Which made for an interesting prom.
Zuri: And Lou's teammate is Emma Ross!
Emma: Hi.
Zuri: And she'll never need to cook, because she's pretty and rich.
Emma: That's true.
Jorge: And I'm-
Zuri: Let's meet the Grizzlies! Ravi Ross is a socially awkward science geek, whose favorite game is solitaire.
Ravi: And I am undefeated. I am also available, ladies.
Zuri: That's a shocker. And Ravi's teammate is Xander McCormick! Who is dating Emma.
Xander: That's right.
Zuri: I know. We can't believe it either. Now that we've met our teams, time to find out what they'll be cooking with. Chefs, crack open those crates!
Lou: Ew!
Xander: What the heck is in there?
Lou: Don't puke, Lou. Swallow it back.
Zuri: I guess this is not going to be as easy as they thought.
Jorge: And I'm Jorge Ramir-
Mess Hall.
Jorge: Welcome back to Diced. Our contestants just found out their secret ingredients.
Lou: Bruised tomatoes, moldy gray meat, ugh, some kind of deformed fish-
Xander: Shrimp tails, black bananas? Murphy, is this a hoof?
Murphy: Oh, yeah, I would've gotten you more, but that's all I could pry off the grill of my scooter.
Lou: When I first saw those ingredients, it reminded me of growing up on a farm. We didn't have a lot of money, so we had to get pretty creative in the kitchen.
Emma: When I first saw those ingredients, I thought, is it possible to throw up food you haven't even eaten yet?
Xander: My mom was a great cook. I remember every night her food would bring my dad to tears. He loved it so much, he shared most of his food with our dog. Wait a minute-
Ravi: I just want a video on the Internet where I am not being chased up a tree by a tiny dog named Shivers.
Zuri: Okay, folks, four hours until dinner. Enough with the looking, let's start cooking!
Emma: Oh, at least there's sausage! (hisses) (screams) Snake!
Murphy: You may wanna go get that. It was your main course.
Jorge: So, Xander, what's going to be your cooking strategy?
Xander: To cheer on Ravi, because the one time I tried to make boiled eggs, I forgot to put in the eggs. So, I basically just made boiled water.
Ravi: That is when I realized I would have to cook twice as hard. And to win, I would have to call on my true love. Science. Ah, my beloved science, your warm embrace gives me companionship on those cold, dark nights. I am so lonely.
The Great Lawn.
Ravi: To win this contest, I will alter the chemical compound within the molecules of the food using molecular gastronomy!
Xander: Great idea!
Jorge: You have no idea what he's talking about, do you?
Xander: Never do.
Zuri: So, girls, what's your game plan for your meal plan?
Emma: Ooh, let's do beef wellington!
Lou: I'd be mighty impressed if you could make that out of gray meat, hooves, and a fish that looks like it has toes.
Emma: Oh, I don't know how to cook it. I just know how to order it.
Zuri: Uh-oh, Lou, looks like your partner's skills are limited to opening a menu and making a phone call.
Emma: Oh, I don't call. There's an app.
Lou: Emma, if you can't cook, why would you want to be in a cooking competition?
Emma: Oh, I just like being on camera. Besides, I can help spruce up the mess hall to make it look like a five-star restaurant. Ambiance is everything. Or as the French say, ambiance.
Zuri: Ooh! This is getting good. Will Lou freak out about not having a menu yet? Will the pressure get to her? Are you gonna crack, Lou? Crack, crack, crack!
Lou: Zuri, enough with the questions, okay? Stop grilling us. That's when it hit me! Anything tastes good charred and slathered in my special barbecue sauce. Just ask our old barn owl. Well, you can't, 'cause we ate her.
The Kitchen.
Zuri: With only three hours left, our teams continue to prep. So, Ravi, why don't you explain to us what you're doing?
Ravi: Gladly! Using a chemical process known as spherification, I am-
Zuri: Sorry I asked.
Lou: What he's doing is getting ready to lose! He's going down like a bad souffle.
Emma: Or as the French say Souffle.
Jorge: Let's check in with our "celebrity" judge. So, Murphy. First the kids insult your cooking, and now you find yourself judging theirs. Tell us what's on your mind.
Murphy: I think those chefs are a bunch of spoiled, ungrateful, snot-nosed sons of billfish. I just enjoy hanging out with the kids.
Xander: Why is everything so fancy?
Emma: I am creating a high-end dining experience.
Xander: Big mistake! Kids don't like that fancy stuff.
Emma: I'm not surprised to hear you say that, considering every restaurant you've ever taken me to has the word "shack" in it.
Xander: I believe you're forgetting our date at the Burger Barn.
Emma: I wish I could. The best-tasting thing was the toy that came with my meal.
Zuri: Ooh, looks like things are heating up, and the stove's not even on.
Xander: Welcome to the fun zone! So, Emma, what do you think?
Emma: Because Xander's my boyfriend, and I really care about his feelings, I thought it'd be best to sugar coat things. I hate it.
Zuri: Burn! And the stove's still not on!
Xander: You think your side is better? Kids don't need three different knives!
Emma: They're all necessary! There's the butter knife, the steak knife, and a "just in case you dropped your other knives" knife!
Lou: Well, flip my lid! Emma, I love what you've done with the place. The sawdust is a nice touch!
Xander: Actually, that's my nice touch. This is the Grizzly side.
Ravi: Wow, Xander! You have created quite the elegant milieu. Ooh, is this a "dropped your knife" knife?
Emma: Actually, this is my milieu. Or, as the French say-
Lou: That is French!
Xander: No, Ravi, for our side I'm decorating with sawdust. It's festive and it soaks up vomit!
Ravi: Oh, dear. Xander, this is all wrong. Perhaps you could make it a tad more highbrow.
Xander: Dude, I'm not changing my eyebrows!
Lou: Emma, you know with barbecue, you don't have cloth napkins, you have paper towels or wet wipes.
Emma: Ew! Why don't we just wipe our mouths with diapers?
Xander: Whoa, look who's too fancy to have diapers on the dinner table.
Lou: Xander, too bad you and I aren't on the same team.
Emma: Too bad Ravi and I aren't on the same team. I bet nobody's ever said that. Ever.
Ravi: Despite that rather gratuitous slam, Emma and I should team up. Her decor matches the sophistication of my haute cuisine.
Lou: If haute cuisine means three too many knives, then you two will be perfect together.
Zuri: Oh, snap peas! This show just took a twist!
Jorge: Murphy, would switching partners be against the rules?
Murphy: Don't care.
Lou: Then let's do it!
Xander: Counselors versus CIT!
Lou: Are the Rosses ready to face their bosses?
Ravi: You bet! Because when you face the Rosses, you have already lost Es.
Zuri: Who do you think is gonna win now, Murphy?
Murphy: Still don't care. I'm just trying to snag those fuzzy dice. They'll look really cool on my scooter.
Zuri: Nothing looks cool on a scooter.
The Great Lawn.
Zuri: So, Lou, how long have you been barbequing?
Lou: Heck, since I was a toddler. Little tip, don't give a three-year-old lighter fluid. It ends badly.
Murphy: Yikes! That smells like cooked feet.
Lou: That's the hoof. I was gonna cook the fish, but turns out he wasn't dead and he crawled away when I wasn't looking.
The Kitchen.
Emma: Ravi! What are you serving? I need to memorize the specials!
Murphy: I'm not sure special is the right word to describe what's going on here. Smells more like a felony.
Ravi: It is an elk-hoof tartare, with a snake juice reduction!
Emma: Maybe we should keep that between us. Svetlana, you can set up over there. A violinist is my final touch. Nothing sets an elegant mood like classical music.
Xander: Great idea! While my diners are having fun playing games for prizes, your diners will be using one of their many knives to cut their ears off.
Emma: Ignore him, Svetlana. Now play your heart out. No offense, Svetlana, but that sounds terrible.
Xander: Lou! What happened?
Lou: Squirrels- So many squirrels. Interesting fact. Squirrels love barbecued hoof. I saved what food I could. But I may have lost a pinky. Kinda scared to look.
Xander: Can you still cook? And can you wait until after the meal for the rabies shots?
Lou: Sure. A few hundred squirrel bites can't slow me down! I'll just be in the kitchen.
Xander: That's my partner.
Emma: Meanwhile, my partner can't even lift his ladle.
Ravi: Hey! It has a heavy handle!
Zuri: Ooh, things are coming to a boil! Who will win? Did Lou lose a pinky? Will it end up as an appetizer?
Xander: Yes! Only 998 more tickets, and I get a kazoo!
Ravi: Lou, what happened? You look worse than your food.
Lou: Watch it, or I will bean you with that beaker. And I'm going to prove that my barbecue banquet is better than your fancy foam fiasco.
Ravi: Impressive alliteration aside, I think we will show the internet that your barbecue barbe-cannot. Zuri, would you please edit that out?
Zuri: Not a chance.
Lou: Outta my way!
Zuri: Looks like this cooking contest just got ugly!
All: Food! Food! Food!
Emma: The food will be right up! Thank you for your patience. Oww! At least butter those first to soften them up! Thank you.
All: We want prizes! We want prizes! We want Prizes!
Xander: I told you, I ran out of prizes! Want some paper plates? They're recyclable!
Emma: Your diners are hungry, and mad. Why aren't they throwing stuff at you?
Xander: Ow! Thanks for the suggestion.
Jorge: Chef Murphy, as our "celebrity" judge, how do you think our young chefs are doing?
Murpy: Those kids are flailing like a topsil during a nor' Easter.
Jorge: I have no idea what you just said.
Murphy: Hey, why do you guys keep putting quotes around the word celebrity?
Jorge: 'Cause you're not a celebrity.
Zuri: Looks like there might be a riot in here. Is team CIT struggling?
Emma: Absolutely not. Everything is completely under control. Ravi! Where the heck's the food? Some kid stuck me in the butt with a fork. We gotta get some real buns out here!
Ravi: Well, I could use some help!
Lou: Out of my way, beaker boy!
Ravi: Did you see that? And a minute ago she tried to shove me in the garbage disposal!
Emma: I'll help you, Ravi! Ow! Okay, Chef, how can I help?
Ravi: Pray. Because you are now wearing our main course.
Lou: Emma in a kitchen is like a bull in a china shop. Which is a real issue in my town. Two against one is no fair! Xander, get in here!
Xander: I wish I could! Ow, who bit me?
Lou: Xander, stop playing with the kids! I need help!
Xander: So do I!
Ravi: Oh, dear, where you attacked by squirrels, too?
Xander: I wish! Squirrels bite less!
Zuri: You better hurry! Dinner is in two minutes.
Emma: (Svetlana playing stressful tune on the violin) Not now, Svet!
Ravi: Emma, quick! Scrape dinner off your shirt and onto the plates!
Zuri: This is hilarious! We're gonna get a million views!
Ravi: Ravi, is it supposed to do that? Yes. But it is not supposed to do that! Get me a lid!
Lou: Ravi, are you trying to make food or send smoke signals?
Ravi: At least my smoke smells delightful! Unlike whatever food you are destroying over there!
Lou: You try making meat that was 90% mold! Xander, more pepper.
Xander: On it.
Emma: Found the lid!
Emma: I hope snot goes well with barbecue.
Murphy: Ding, ding, ding! Time's up! Utensils down! I'm lookin' forward to this. I've never tasted a train wreck before.
Zuri: Okay, first, we have Lou and Xander's dish.
Murphy: May cod help us.
Lou: Okay, since the barbecue was overrun by rodents, I decided to combine my ingredients and make what I call, Lou's Down Home Stew. Enjoy.
Murphy: Leapin' lobsters, I can feel my taste buds dying!
Zuri: Uch! The inside of my mouth is peeling off.
Jorge: Eh, needs more pepper.
Zuri: Okay, now that my sight's back, let's try Ravi and Emma's dish.
Ravi: My creation is a combination of shrimp parts, accented with ripe banana foam, and what I hope was a tomato.
Emma: Hit it, Svet! (Playing violin)
Murphy: Uchhh! Svetlana, play the death march, 'cause I think I'm gonna die!
Zuri: It tastes like chemicals and low tide!
Jorge: Eh, needs more pepper.
Murphy: I declare all of you losers.
Emma: Hey! We worked hard on this meal.
Murphy: That's the sad part.
Xander: I say we let the campers decide.
Lou: Yeah! Okay, everyone try my food.
Ravi: Ha! Now, try mine.
Lou: We win!
Ravi: How do you figure that?
Lou: They spit yours further!
Emma: Okay, I think we all have to admit our food was terrible.
Murphy: So, now you see how hard my job is. Plus you don't have to deal with Gladys jumpin' outta cabinets and grabbin' at ya!
Emma: You're right, Murphy, and we're sorry.
Xander: Especially about the Gladys thing.
Murphy: I appreciate that, kids. And I kinda thought this might happen, so (whistles) While you guys were sweatin' like a pig on a spit, I went to town and used my friend's kitchen to make this.
Ravi: Murphy, this is amazing!
Murphy: Yeah, when I have enough money to buy good ingredients, I can put together quite the feast.
Zuri: But how did you afford it?
Murphy: I used the camp's entire food budget for the rest of the summer. Also paid off my scooter. Hey, I had to get the food here somehow. So enjoy it, 'cause from here on in, the food is going to get even worse!
Zuri: Thanks for watching Diced. I'm Zuri Ross.
Jorge: And I'm-
Zuri: Not important.
Lou: Well, that was embarrassing.
Ravi: Not as embarrassing as being chased up a tree by an arthritic Chihuahua.
Lou: And our food was a total disaster.
Emma: I've never seen so many campers projectile vomit at once.
Xander: I told you the sawdust would come in handy.
Zuri: And the worst part is, our video didn't get any views. Meanwhile, Ravi's Chihuahua video is blowing up again!
Jorge: So nothing good came out of this.
Murphy: Not true! Svetlana and I are going to the Burger Barn. Come on, Svet. Oh, and, uh, hang on tight, baby.This thing can hit 20 on the straightaways.

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