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Welcome to Camp Kikiwaka

Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir."
Aren't there supposed to be four of you?
With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life!
By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp. Hand it over.
She caught mine!
Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. Ki-ki-wa-ka!
We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods!
Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace!
With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! Remember to pick up your trash.
Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life.
Geez, you try to have a little fun by terrorizing some campers, and you get a pinecone to the head. I hate kids!
Attention, campers! I have been informed that there was a Kikiwaka close encounter last night.
I haven't had a close encounter since last July 4th at the Moose Lodge. I'm so lonely!
And for the last ding dang time, it is one thing to pee in the lake, but it is completely unacceptable to leave a number two in a canoe!
So instead, we'll be racing inner tubes today. Last person to the lake has to clean the canoe!
Ha! Dopey kids. They'll believe anything.

Gone Girl

Campers! Big announcement, so stop what you're doing!
Last night I was stood up for a date.
It was Serge, the candy delivery man.
Since Serge is not returning my calls, texts, or banging on his front door, I have decided to punish him by no longer ordering candy for the camp!
Too late, you're going in the hole!
And since candy reminds me of Serge, it is now banned from camp! So, enjoy what's left in Candy Boy's cart, 'cause that's the last of it.
That'll be ten bucks. These varicose veins are killin' me.
What's so important I had to pause George Clooney?
Oh, thank you. I've always liked you, whatever your name is.
Campers, I've heard a lot of you are upset about your lack of candy. Well, I'm upset about my lack of man candy. So, none of us are gettin' any sugar. That's life, deal with it.
Freeze, camper! Identify yourself.
Nice try. I have no idea who Ravi is, but I know you're not him. Where'd you get all this money?
Start talking, Not Ravi.
Well, considering you're using a mattress as a wallet, you're obviously not the brains of the organization. Who are you working with?
You are in big trouble, mister. I'm confiscating this mattress as evidence. I'll think up the rest of your punishment tonight, at the dollar slots.

Camp Rules

Okay, first order of business, today's sack race has been canceled due to a camper finding a snake in her sack.
Quiet!
Item two. There has been a rash of rule violations. Including a thriving black market candy ring, and the Woodchuck cabin's attempt to flame-broil their bunks! On the bright side, at least my CIT knows the proper way to put out an electrical fire.
It's obvious I've become a little too lenient around here. So, I've decided to post these. The original Camp Kikiwaka rules! These were written by our founder, the famous fur trader, and summer camp enthusiast, Jedediah Swearengen. And many of them still apply today.
Now, you CITs, it's your job to issue a citation any time you see a camper break a rule. And any camper that receives three citations must be punished. Remember, rules are the only thing that hold this place together.
Five dollar bribes don't go as far as they used to. Hey, kid, don't lean on that railing! I guess I should see if she's okay. Right after I make sure our insurance is up to date.
Gotcha, thief!
CIT Ross, you have been caught with stolen camp property. Care to explain yourself?
That was no fun. I didn't even get a chance to put you in the spider box.
I haven't even started yelling! Whimpering Willie over here didn't give me a chance.
Finally, I get to yell at someone!
Come on!
That was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!

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