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Gone Girl
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Stamps, postcards, the last shreds of my self-respect.
Zuri: I'll take two shreds. Why are all you CITs selling stuff?
Emma: Gladys is making us. Apparently varicose vein removal is not cheap.
Zuri: I like her legs. They remind me of a New York City subway map.
Ravi: Candy here! Get your delectable, sugary treats! And speaking of delectable, notice how my rump is rocking these bike shorts.
Zuri: Your geek is on fleek.
Gladys: Campers! Big announcement, so stop what you're doing!
Tiffany: Ow!
Gladys: Last night I was stood up for a date.
Emma: How can a pint of ice cream and a George Clooney movie stand you up?
Gladys: It was Serge, the candy delivery man.
Emma: Sheesh, you post bail for a guy, and he doesn't even take you to dinner?
Emma: Been there, done that!
Gladys: Since Serge is not returning my calls, texts, or banging on his front door, I have decided to punish him by no longer ordering candy for the camp!
Jorge: Whoa, whoa! Why do we all have to suffer just because you're hideous and no one wants to date you? Let me rephrase that.
Gladys: Too late, you're going in the hole!
Xander: Don't worry, it's more comfortable than the bunks.
Gladys: And since candy reminds me of Serge, it is now banned from camp! So, enjoy what's left in Candy Boy's cart, 'cause that's the last of it.
Ravi: Okay, people. Uh, one at a time, please. Oh, perhaps a single file.
Zuri: Get him!
Ravi: Stop! You are pulling my taffy!
Theme song.
Interior. Cafeteria.
Emma: Will Xander ever ask me out? Ugh, this stupid eight-ball isn't magic at all.
Lou: Hi, sister from another mister!
Emma: Hi, Lou.
Lou: Hey, Woodchucks never frown. No, seriously, it's impossible. Their massive incisors prevent mouth inversion.
Emma: I'm totes bummed about Xander. It's been a week and he still hasn't asked me out. I thought he liked me.
Lou: Aw, Emma, look, boys are like hotdogs. Delicious, but wondering about what's inside will make you puke.
Emma: You're right. I'm going to stop obsessing over him. I don't care if I ever see Xander again.
Xander: Hey, Woodchucks!
Emma: Hey, Xander!
Lou: Uh, that kind of sounded like you care.
Xander: Emma, I wrote a song I want you to hear.
Lou: Great, let's do this!
Xander: Thanks, but I got it.
Lou: Oh, right. A solo sitch. Hit it!
Xander: ♪ There's a song stuck in my head But all the words Just go unsaid ♪
♪ So courage ♪
♪ To say something wiout turning red ♪
♪ You make me feel like smiling ♪
♪ I dream of you all the time ♪
♪ I hope the stars are shining ♪
♪ On your reply ♪
♪ Please, Emma, will you go on a date ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I'm hoping you won't make me wait ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Please, Emma, will you go on a date ♪
♪ With me ♪
Lou: Emma, if you don't say yes, I will.
Emma: I'd love to go out with you, Xander.
Lou: Yay! You two go together like peanut butter and eggs. What? It's delicious.
Interor. Wood Chuck's cabin.
Zuri: Are you done yet?
Tiffany: Yup. I've been working on this for two solid weeks and I am finally done.
Jorge: I smell candy! Oops, looks like you broke your horsey. She's weird. Anyhoo, I'll give you fifty bucks for the last bite of your candy bar.
Zuri: Whoa! You're willing to give me 50 bucks for a bite? And any of my bodily organs. That gives me an idea.
Jorge: But please don't take my tonsils! I need those to pee. Or breathe. I don't really pay attention in science.
Zuri: My point is, if you're willing to pay me 50 bucks for a bite, do you have any idea what the campers would pay for a whole bar?
Jorge: No. I don't pay attention in math, either.
Tiffany: Thank you for the ice, Miss Gladys. I can endure these bruises, but what those barbarians did to my taffy will haunt me forever.
Gladys: That'll be ten bucks. These varicose veins are killin' me.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Xander: I'm really nervous about tonight with Emma.
Lou: Don't be. I'm sure this time it won't be as messy as it was with your last girlfriend.
Xander: Ugh, I hope not. That was gruesome. I'm glad Amanda is gone forever.
Lou: Me, too. You did everyone a favor by getting rid of her.
Interior. Wood Chucks's cabin.
Jorge: Look, boss! I sold two whole cases of candy.
Zuri: Hey! You're a dollar short. You trying to rip me off?
Jorge: No, no! I swear! Oh, look. This dollar somehow got stuck in my pocket. They moved the archery range.
Zuri: You would think that would merit an announcement. Hey, Tiff. You know what would make you feel better? Buying some candy.

You're selling candy out of our cabin?

Tiffany: But it's been banned.
Zuri: Exactly! That's why I can charge ten bucks for a single chocolate chip.
Tiffany: Well, I am not going to get in trouble for your criminal enterprise. I'm telling. Gladys!
Zuri: No, no, no, please don't tell!
Jorge: Yeah, we'll give you all the free candy you want!
Zuri: Whoa, slow your roll. Maybe we can talk discount.
Tiffany: My mom's never even let me try candy. Gladys! Look at all the colors! Everything is so much more alive!
Zuri: We've got ourselves a new customer.
Gladys: What's so important I had to pause George Clooney?
Tiffany: Oh! I just wanted to tell you that Serge lost a heck of a woman when he stood you up.
Gladys: Oh, thank you. I've always liked you, whatever your name is.
Zuri: Thanks for not ratting us out, Tiffany.
Tiffany: You're welcome.
Interior. Grizzly's cabin.
Xander: And I can't wait to knock Emma off her feet with this.
Lou: Oh, man, she won't know what hit her!
Xander: Then, before Emma has the chance to catch her breath, I'm going to whip out my trusty axe-
Ravi: [mouths]
Xander: And get to shredding.
Ravi: [mouths]

OMG, Emma is going to die.

Ravi: [mouths] Oh!
Xander: We should really cut back that poison ivy.
Lou: Yeah.
Ravi: Poison ivy?
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka
Gladys: Campers, I've heard a lot of you are upset about your lack of candy. Well, I'm upset about my lack of man candy. So, none of us are gettin' any sugar. That's life, deal with it.
Zuri: Hey, looking to score? I've got candy.
Jorge: Hey, Zuri. "Say hello to my little friend!" He just paid me 20 bucks for a Scooter bar!
Zuri: What's with the suit? What part of "inconspicuous" don't you understand?
Jorge: All of it. I have no idea what that word means!
Ravi: Emma, I have something important to tell you!
Emma: You've decided to go to clown camp?
Ravi: No! Xander asked you out so he could kill you, like he did his previous girlfriend, Amanda!
Emma: That's ridiculous! Xander is the nicest guy in the world. He wouldn't hurt a fly.
Ravi: I will have you know he has slaughtered many, many flies in our cabin!
Emma: With those dreamy eyes, he could run a puppy mill, and I'd still go out with him.
Ravi: I am telling you, tonight, Xander is planning on killing you!
Emma: You're going to make a great clown, because that was hilarious. Plus, you can fit in the little car.
Interior. Wood Chuck's cabin
Jorge: It's good to be in business.
Jorge & Zuri: When business is good!
Tiffany: Hey, guys, how are you?
Jorge: Good.
Zuri: So am I.
Tiffany: Candy is amazing. I just memorized all of Shakespeare's plays, and now, I'm going to read War and Peace. Those Russians are wacky!
Jorge: Wow. You've read more today than I've read in my entire life. I'm still trying to finish The Cat in the Something. I couldn't get through the title.
Zuri: And this is my business partner?
Tiffany: I need more candy. Give me some or I'll squeeze the nougat out of you!
Zuri: Ah, okay, okay! I think we should cut her off.
Jorge: Her eyes are vibrating!
Interior. Cafeteria.
Ravi: Murderer!
Lou: The turkey was already dead.
Ravi: Where is Emma?
Lou: She went to The Spot with Xander.
Ravi: You mean she is already gone?
Lou: Oh, she's long gone. Just like this turkey leg's gonna be.
Exterior. The woods.
Jorge: How much farther? It's hard for me to hike in gator shoes. Or any shoes.
Tiffany: I need candy. I need candy. I need candy!
Zuri: We all need candy, because you ate our entire supply before lunch! And you still haven't paid us!
Tiffany: Please, I'm good for it! Just give me some to get me through the night. I feel like ants are crawling all over me.
Zuri: That's because they are.
Tiffany: Ew, ew! Get it off of me! Ew!
Jorge: How do these candy shipments come in, anyway?
Tiffany: Wait for it.
Zuri: Unhook the cable!
Tiffany: Yay! Candy! Mmm! This candy tastes awful!
Zuri: That's not candy. That's a video game. And if you bite it, you bought it.
Jorge: Zuri, I never agreed that we should start selling video games.
Zuri: That's because I didn't ask you. I'm the brains. You're just the muscle, and not much of that.
Jorge: I hope you like everything.
Exterior. The Spot.
Xander: I picked this spot specially, because no one will be around.
Emma: Oh, great! Well, this is comfy.
Xander: It should be. I spent an hour removing all the rocks. And one very angry gopher.
Emma: Xander, you are so thoughtful. You would not believe the crazy stuff Ravi said about you.
Xander: What did he say about me? Not not you You Eunice, the, the laundry lady. She's been, uh, stealing socks to create a puppet army.
Emma: I've heard that, too!
Xander: You have?
Interior. Wood Chuck's cabin.
Tiffany: Jorge, what are you doing in here?
Jorge: I'm concerned about you. We all are.
Tiffany: What do you mean? I'm fine. Totally fine. You're the ones with a problem!
Jorge: Oh, yeah? Then where's your violin?
Tiffany: I traded it for a ChocoChunk. Okay! I have a problem! I admit it. And I can't bear them to see me like this. Especially my bear! Welcome to rock bottom, sister.
Jorge: Candy has ruined your life.
Zuri: What do you think you're doing?
Jorge: Uh, nothing! Uh, nothing at all! Just trying to help a friend.
Zuri: By badmouthing my product?
Jorge: Come on, Zuri, look at her. Tiffany's turned into a candy-crazed zombie!
Zuri: Tiffany is fine.
Tiffany: This wrapper lied! There's no honey in this soap!
Jorge: I'm worried about her. You didn't seem worried when I was stuffing cash into those ridiculous polyester pockets! Well, I'm worried now. She's gone nuts, and so have you!
Zuri: Call me "nuts" again. I dare you. Come at the king, you best not miss.
Jorge: That's it, I quit.
Zuri: You do, and you'll never taste anything sweet in this camp again.
Jorge: Not even caramel corn? Because that's really more corn than caramel.
Zuri: Nothing.
Jorge: Then that's how it has to be. I'm bringing back every penny of that filthy candy money. Minus what I paid for this sick, white suit.
Exterior. The Spot.
Emma: Uh, Xander, why are you sharpening that axe?
Xander: It won't cut through anything if it's not sharp. Otherwise I'll just be hacking and hacking, and hacking and hacking I get it! All righty. Check this out!
Emma: Uh why is there a hole there?
Xander: Oh, I dug it earlier, for you. That's how we're going to end the night. Let's see. Backup axe, trash bags This is gonna get messy.
Emma: Gee, it's getting pretty cold. I think I'll go back to the camp and get a blanket. And the police.
Xander: Oh, no. Now that you're here, I'm not letting you leave.
Emma: You're not?
Xander: No way. I've been thinking about this moment since the day I laid eyes on you.
Emma: You have? When I first saw you, I just wondered how many push-ups you could do.
Xander: A hundred. I've got a lot of upper body strength. Well, time to get to choppin'. Was there a mosquito on me? Because I think you got him.
Exterior. Camp Kikwaka.
Gladys: Freeze, camper! Identify yourself.
Jorge: Uh, it is I, Ravi.
Gladys: Nice try. I have no idea who Ravi is, but I know you're not him. Where'd you get all this money?
Jorge: Uh, my bar mitzvah?
Gladys: Start talking, Not Ravi.
Jorge: Okay, okay! The truth is, I've been running a candy smuggling ring, selling candy to campers.

You have?

Gladys: Well, considering you're using a mattress as a wallet, you're obviously not the brains of the organization. Who are you working with?
Jorge: Uh No one. It's just me! I'm a lone wolf!
Gladys: You are in big trouble, mister. I'm confiscating this mattress as evidence. I'll think up the rest of your punishment tonight, at the dollar slots.
Zuri: Jorge, I saw what you just did. Why didn't you turn me in?
Jorge: Because you're my friend, and friends don't rat each other out. Plus, you know where I sleep.
Zuri: That's really cool, especially after the lousy way I treated you. Thank you, Jorge.
Jorge: You're welcome. But we still need to fix Tiffany.
Tiffany: There's gotta be some sap in this tree! Sweet, sweet sap. Mmm!
Exterior. The Spot
Emma: How dare you try to hurt me!
Xander: Says the girl who's beating me with a branch?
Emma: Ravi was right! You were going to chop me up with an axe, put me in a garbage bag, and bury me in that hole!
Xander: Ow! What? No! I was going to chop up wood and build a bonfire in the hole I dug to make you s'mores.
Emma: But Ravi overheard you talking about shredding with your axe.
Xander: Which is what musicians call a guitar. And when you play it, that's called shredding.
Emma: Oh! So, then, I'm assuming your ex, Amanda, isn't dead?
Xander: No! She just got mad when I broke up with her, so this year she's at theater camp, acting like I don't exist.
Emma: Well, this is the most embarrassing moment of my life, and once, at Fashion Week, I had to sit in the second row. Can you ever forgive me?
Xander: Of course.
Emma: And I'm really sorry I let Ravi almost ruin our date.
Ravi: Emma, I will save you!
Emma: I spoke too soon.
Xander: Hey, look, a body wound up in that hole after all.
Lou: Ravi! Stop! They're just on a date Oh!
Lou: I'm okay! Ravi broke my fall.
Ravi: And Lou broke my rib.
Emma: You know what I'm really happy about?
Xander: What?
Emma: That when I was beating you with that tree branch, I didn't hit your face.
Xander: Yeah, I'm kind of happy about that, too.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka campfire.
Ravi: Um, excuse me, you two. I just want to apologize again for letting my imagination run wild and ruin your date.
Xander: No problem, bro. We had fun anyway. Except for the part where we had to carry you to the infirmary.
Ravi: I am so happy you have forgiven me. I promise, from now on, I will not interfere with your romantic pursuits. And I am doing it again.
Lou: Ooh, are we making s'mores?
Zuri: Tiffany, are you sure you don't want some candy?
Tiffany: I can't believe my mom's never let me play a video game before! This is amazing!
Jorge: Problem solved.
Zuri: Hey, Tiffany, can I have a turn?
Tiffany: [In demonic voice] Hands off my game!
Zuri: I think we have a new problem.
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