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How the Griff Stole Christmas
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Griff: Okay, Zuri, only Tiffany and Jorge left. Who are you going to pick?
Zuri: Can the flagpole be on my team? Fine, I'll go with Tiffany.
Tiffany: Yes!
Jorge: Why didn't you pick me?
Zuri: Because neither you or Tiffany has strength, or height, or skill- But at least I think I can work with her. Hey, Tiffany, pretend that counselor is your mom!
Tiffany: This is for making me memorize the dictionary, mother!
Zuri: I knew it! Tapping into her mom rage worked like a charm. Although, I probably should've waited for the game to start.
Jorge: I think she's dead.
Santa: Jorge! Psst! Over here!
Jorge: Santa Claus, what are you doing here? I haven't been naughty.
Santa: Oh, yeah? What about when you put that rat in the girls' shower?
Jorge: He needed to rinse off. I pulled him out of the chili.
Santa: Listen, I need a favor. I was wondering if you could take care of this guy for me while I'm out of town. Come here.
Jorge: You want me to be your reindeer-sitter?
Santa: I sure do! Will you help me out?
Jorge: Sure, but now you owe me one.
Santa: Fine. You get one "get off the naughty list free" card.
Jorge: Awesome! Hey, this expired three years ago.
Santa: No backsies!
Theme song.
Interior. Mess hall.
Ravi: Eric, you call this a teddy bear? It looks like a pile of fluffy vomit!
Lou: Just be happy he didn't glue the safety scissors to his hand.
Ravi: Now, keep in mind, the toys you are making will be donated to needy children next Christmas. So we do not want to see any coupons for "free kisses," like last year.
Lou: We're looking at you, Lonely Lenny.
Griff: Hey, guys, check out this bad boy.
Ravi: Yikes.
Lou: Why would you build a children's toy with a spinning saw blade?
Griff: Because you have to be 21 to rent a flamethrower. Time to "wreck the halls!"
Lou: Not my gingerbread house! There is an innocent gumdrop family in there!
Ravi: No! This is a tragedy. They had their whole lives ahead of them. What do you have to say for yourself?
Griff: May they rest in pieces.
Interior. The barn.
Tiffany: Hey, Santa, great idea bringing me and Zuri on board to help with the reindeer.
Zuri: Yeah, Jorge won the award for Most Irresponsible Camper, then he lost the trophy.
Jorge: Hey, I could've handled this myself.
Tiffany: Really? Where's your other shoe?
Jorge: Dang it!
Santa: Up top, Tiffany!
Zuri: So, which one is he? Blitzen? Prancer?
Jorge: Is it Frodo?
Tiffany: That's a hobbit. You are so in over your head.
Santa: Actually, this is Harold.
Zuri: I've never heard of a flying reindeer named Harold.
Santa: That's because he can't fly.
Jorge: Then why do you have him?
Santa: Well, Blitzen's getting up there in years, so it's time for him to retire.
Jorge: Oh, my grandpa did that. Now all he does is watch infomercials, and wear his pants up to his armpits.
Santa: Cool. Anyway, Harold here is Blitzen's nephew, so he seemed like a good replacement. But I've been trying for weeks, and he just can't seem to fly. He might have something missing upstairs, if you know what I mean.
Tiffany: Oh, we know.
Santa: So, I'm headed down to Miami to check out a new home for Harold. They've got a sanctuary there for non-magical animals.
Zuri: I think those are called zoos.
Santa: Ooh, I've gotta go if I'm going to catch my flight.
Tiffany: Why don't you just take your sleigh?
Santa: I gotta use my miles!
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Ravi: You should have seen Griff's murderous machine. It was a spinning blade of death, laying waste to everything in its path!
Xander: Whoa. You think he'll let me borrow it next time Hazel tries to check me for ticks?
Ravi: Lou and I asked him why he did it, but he would not open up. He is a tough nut to crack. How do you think I should approach him?
Xander: Carefully, if he has a spinning blade of death.
Emma: Oh, hey, guys! Xander, I made a present for you.
Xander: Thanks. That's so sweet of you.
Emma: Ta-da!
Xander: Wow.
Emma: Yeah, we were making jewelry for the Christmas charity drive, and it inspired me.
Xander: I see that.
Emma: It's "found art." It's all the rage in New York. Like throwing subway tokens at hipsters. So, do you love it?
Xander: Well, the truth is-
Ravi: I think it is a wonderful gift. Xander is such a lucky man. You love it, do you not?
Xander: Um I sure do! I love it!
Emma: Aw, thanks! When I made it, I thought it just screamed Xander.
Xander: It makes me want to scream, too.
Ravi: You cannot tell Emma you do not like her gift. You have to wear that monstrosity!
Xander: No way! This a door hinge from the old outhouse!
Ravi: Xander, Emma is very sensitive about her fashion creations. Once she made me one of those infinity scarves, and I asked her to cut it, so it would have, you know, ends? And what did she do? She wrapped it around me and squeezed really tight until the room went dark.
Xander: Well, that doesn't sound good. And this doesn't smell good. I don't think she washed this hinge.
Interior. The barn.
Tiffany: Hey, guys, watch what I just taught Harold to do! Harold, what's the lowest prime integer?
Tiffany: Good boy! Who's a smart reindeer?
Zuri: If you keep teaching him stuff like that, Dasher will give him an atomic wedgie.
Jorge: Good thing reindeer don't wear underpants.
Tiffany: I don't know why Santa had so much trouble training Harold to fly.
Jorge: Maybe he just needs more practice. Harold, do you want to fly? See? So it's settled. We're gonna teach Harold how to fly!
TIffany: Yes! And after that, we'll start him on pre-calculus! Stay away from this one, or pretty soon your harness will have a pocket protector.
Interior. Mess hall.
Ravi: So, Griff, buddy, pal. We are here to have a friendly little chat. Why did you decide to make such a dangerous "toy"?
Griff: Um, because making Christmas gifts is lame. Sorry for trying to have some fun.
Lou: "Fun"? Is that why you came to toy-making class? For fun?
Griff: Um, no. I came because you guys told me I had to.
Lou: You sliced a poor, innocent, stuffed puppy in half, and widowed poor Mrs.

Sugarbuttons. You probably like that kind of thing. You make me sick.

Ravi: Okay. I apologize for Lou. She can get a little hot-headed. Uh, would you like some water? Perhaps a bon-bon?
Griff: Guys, I know you're playing good cop, bad cop. I've been interrogated before. Although, never by a cop with his fly down.
Lou: Well, that tainted the investigation.
Ravi: Seriously, Griff, what were you thinking? The toys we made were Christmas gifts for needy kids.
Griff: So what?
Lou: So, those kids don't have much, and this is a nice way to-
Griff: I don't care about those kids! I don't care about any of this! Just leave me alone!
Lou: This is terrible.
Ravi: I know. Why did you not tell me my fly was down?
Lou: Because I'm the bad cop.
Interior. The barn.
Tiffany: t's too hot! Do we really have to wear these coats?
Zuri: Yes! The best way for Harold to learn to fly is to pretend it's Christmas time!
Tiffany: Just pretending isn't going to get it done. He needs to study and practice and work until he feels like his tummy is filled with razor blades!
Zuri: Wow, you need a hug. Come on. Now, let's get to it. It's like a thousand degrees in here.
Jorge: Seriously, I'm making butt soup!
Zuri: It sure does feel Christmassy around here, Harold.
Tiffany: Yeah, you can tell by these drops of holiday cheer rolling down my forehead.
Jorge: Did you put that bucket of mashed potato flakes in the loft like I told you?
Zuri: Yep.
Jorge: Okay. When I give the cue, pull the rope, and the flakes will come down in a delicious wintery blizzard!
Tiffany: Okay, Harold, you're cleared for takeoff! Get ready to fly!
Jorge: Zuri, did you put water in the mashed potatoes?
Zuri: Yep!
Tiffany: Why?
Zuri: Because it's hilarious! I couldn't resist.
Jorge: Tiffany, stay right there.
Tiffany: Are you getting me a towel?
Jorge: Nope. I'm getting some gravy and maybe a roll.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Lou: Guys, I'm worried about Griff. Ever since the toy-making disaster, he's been so moody.
Xander: No kidding. When I asked him to clear his tray at lunch, he dumped it in my lap.
Lou: He was really angry when we tried to talk to him, too.
Ravi: And later, I heard him making fun of the way you talk.
Lou: Hey! What in the gosh-darn diddly-dong is wrong with the way I talk?
Xander: Not a gosh-darn diddly-ding-dong thing.
Emma: Oh, I know, I'll make Griff one of my necklaces! They bring happiness to every neck that wears one.
Xander: That, and a nasty rash.
Emma: What did you just say?
Xander: Ravi, I'm just going to tell her the truth.
Ravi: Okay, broseph. I have your back.
Xander: Look, Emma, it is so sweet that you made this necklace for me. But it's just not exactly for me. And Ravi agrees with me. Right, Ravi?
Ravi: Yes, Emma, I agree that Xander hates your necklace.
Xander: What?
Lou: Oh, snap, this just got good.
Xander: Ravi, you hate it, too! You said it looked like a string of turds!
Ravi: Do not believe him, Emma! He already lied about loving the necklace! I am sorry! In fact, what else has Xander lied about? If that is even his real name! So sorry!
Xander: Okay, enough! Emma, I apologize, but please don't be mad.
Emma: Oh, it's okay. I'm not mad. What makes you think I'm mad?
Xander: I think Emma is mad.
Interior. The barn.
Zuri: Okay, Harold, it's Christmas Eve. All the children of the world are depending on you to help fly Santa's sleigh.
Tiffany: I just hope Grant from Badger Cabin doesn't see me. I'm this close to closing the deal on that cutie!
Zuri: Sorry if this is embarrassing, but your idea got us nowhere.
Tiffany: Hey, reading the Principles of Flight to Harold would've worked, if he hadn't eaten chapter three.
Jorge: Actually, that was me. What? I never got that roll.
Zuri: Come on, guys. Harold needs to fly now. Santa will be back in a few hours.
Tiffany: Yeah, and if Harold can't fly by then, he's going to be spending the rest of his life in Miami with a bunch of liver-spotted old fogies!
Jorge: You guys need to stop putting so much pressure on him!
Zuri: What we need to do is get him in the air! 'Cause this Santa suit is starting to chafe something fierce!
Jorge: Okay, Harold, just picture yourself soaring through the sky!
Zuri: On Jorge! On Tiffany! On Harold!
Jorge: Come on, boy! You can do it!
Zuri: It's no use. He can't fly.
Tiffany: Yes, he can! Come on, Harold! Fly! Fly! Like this! No, Grant, come back! Great. There goes momma's chance at summer snugglin'.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Lou: Okay, Griff, we need to talk.
Ravi: Yes, what is bothering you? We really want you to open up.
Griff: Okay. I think your eyes are too far apart.
Ravi: Okay, how about we close it back up a little?
Lou: Griff, you're such a good kid. But lately, something's been up with you, starting with that terrifying Christmas toy you made.
Griff: Guys, nothing's bothering me. I'm fine.
Ravi: Griff, stop. You know you can talk to us, right? That is what we're here for.
Griff: Okay, okay. If it'll get you off my back. The truth is, I hate Christmas.
Lou: You hate Christmas? Why?
Griff: Because Christmas in juvie stunk. All we got was extra visitation time, but I didn't have anyone to come visit me. So, Christmas just reminds me of what I don't have.
Lou: I'm so sorry, Griff.
Ravi: We had no idea.
Griff: Just forget it.
Lou: I feel so bad for him.
Ravi: Me, too. Are you looking to see if my eyes are too far apart?
Lou: No. I'm sorry, I just can't look away.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Xander: Emma, wait up.
Emma: You can take the necklace off now, Xander.
Xander: Oh, I know, but Chad bet me a hundred bucks I couldn't wear it all week. I was gonna split it with you.
Emma: Xander, why didn't you just tell me you didn't like the necklace?
Xander: Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Also, Ravi said you can get really scary about this gift stuff.
Emma: You listened to Ravi? He's scared of everything! Even hot soup. He's worried it will give his "mouthy an ouchie."
Xander: Wait, but he said that when you gave him a scarf he didn't like, you choked him out!
Emma: I was just tying it around his neck!
Xander: He said the room went dark!
Emma: We were in the theater, and the movie was starting!
Xander: Wow, he is scared of everything.
Emma: Xander, next time, just be honest with me.
Xander: Okay.
Emma: So, wanna come help me color coordinate my belts?
Xander: Honestly, I'd rather gouge my eyes out with this hideous necklace. I mean Yay, belts!
Interior. The barn.
Zuri: Bye, Harold.
Jorge: We'll really miss you.
Santa: Thank you all so much for looking after him for me. Anything you want for Christmas this year, it's yours.
Tiffany: How about having Grant ask me out?
Zuri: After Grant saw Tiffany the red-nosed freak, not even Santa could pull off that Christmas miracle.
Santa: Ooh, nice burn, Zuri. Okay, kids, we've got to go. See you in December!
Jorge: Wait. Can I have one more minute with Harold before he goes?
Santa: Okay, but I was hoping to get to the airport early. I don't want to get stuck with a middle seat.
Jorge: I'm sorry we couldn't get you to fly, buddy. We should not have put so much pressure on you. It's like me and dodgeball. The pressure gets to me, and I can't catch. But I'm awesome when I'm playing by myself.
Santa: Can you play dodgeball by yourself?
Zuri: If you're Jorge, you have no choice.
Jorge: I believe in you, Harold. Just don't let the pressure get to you. And someday, when you're ready, you are going to fly. What? Do I have a boogie?
Tiffany: No! Jorge, look!
Jorge: You did it, buddy!
Santa: Harold, you can fly? Wow! I guess he just needed someone who knew what he was going through to believe in him! Great job, Jorge.
Jorge: Thank you, Santa.
Zuri: So, now that Harold can fly, does that mean he gets to go home with you?
Santa: You bet! And if he keeps practicing, maybe by this Christmas, he'll get a spot on my A-team!
Tiffany: And now maybe he can fly you back to the North Pole on your sleigh!
Santa: That would be nice, because airport security does not like Harold. The last time he got a pat-down, the agent got an antler to the jingle bells.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Griff: Why did you wake me up so early? Are we on our way to some weird gumdrop funeral?
Ravi: Hardly. You are the last person the Sugarbuttons family would want to see.

But let us move on.

Lou: We have a surprise for you.
All: Merry Christmas, Griff!
Griff: You guys do know it's summer, right?
Ravi: Yes, but you said Christmas in juvie was not so great.
Lou: So we wanted to show you what Christmas is like when you're with people who really love you.
Griff: Guys, this is awesome! I can't believe you did all this for me.
Ravi: I cannot believe Emma bought a Christmas tree, when we are surrounded by millions of acres of forest.
Emma: Ravi, the first time you swung the ax, you dislocated both shoulders.
Griff: Guys, thank you all so much. I don't even know what to say.
Xander: How about, "Let's open presents"?
Griff: I want to open this, but I just can't.
Emma: Aw, he doesn't know how to open a present. I feel so sorry for him.
Ravi: I feel sorry for that one brain cell in your head. It must be very lonely.
Griff: What I mean is, I don't really need a bunch of presents. You guys have already given me everything I need.
Lou: Aw, that is so sweet.
Griff: And, you know, there are a lot of other kids like me out there. Maybe we could give some of them an early Christmas, like you're giving me.
Xander: That is really thoughtful of you, Griff.
Emma: Yes, it is, but you might want to keep this present. Gold watch!
Griff: Thanks.
Interior. Mess hall.
Santa: Merry Christmas! By the way, where's my milk and cookies?
Jorge: I have no idea.
Griff: Wow, I'm really impressed you guys were able to hire a reindeer and fake Santa on such short notice.
Zuri: Yeah, fake.
Griff: Now this is a Merry Christmas.
Lou: Griff, it's so great you invited kids from the local reform school.
Griff: Yeah, knowing we cared enough to do this for them is the best present they could've gotten. I mean, besides early release.
Emma: Griff, we're really proud of you.
Xander: Yeah, all these kids look really happy. You set up the metal detector, right?
Ravi: Like, duh!
Interior. Mess hall.
Jorge: It was so cool seeing those kids' happy faces.
Zuri: Yeah, it was the best summer Christmas ever!
Tiffany: The only thing missing was the traditional math test by the fire.
Zuri: Uh, Tiffany, no one else does that.
Tiffany: Yeah, right. Next, you'll be telling me there's no 12 days of spelling tests.
Zuri: Nope.
Tiffany: Mother!
Jorge: Hey, there's an un-opened gift. Griff, it's got your name on it.
Griff: Huh? I wonder who it's from. A harmonica? I've always wanted one of these! Did you guys get me this?
Zuri: No, it wasn't us.
Griff: But I never told anyone I wanted a harmonica.
Santa: Merry Christmas, Griff!
Griff: Santa claus?
Santa: Ho-ho-ho!
Interior. Mess hall.
Griff: I'll take Tiffany. And remember-
Tiffany: I know. I'll pretend my mom grounded me for getting an A-minus.
Zuri: And I'll take Jorge.
Jorge: Yes! Second to last! In your face, Brittany!
Zuri: Easy, hot shot. If we were playing soccer, I would have picked Brittany.

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