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Live From Camp Kikiwaka
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys: Attention, campers! I have some shocking news!
Zuri: Let me guess, she got stood up on another date?
Ravi: If it happens every weekend, Does that really qualify as shocking?
Zuri: (Chuckles)
Gladys: As of the end of this summer Camp Kikiwaka is closing Forever! (Amplified nose blowing)
Campers: (All groaning)
Gladys: So you'll excuse me if I seem a little down.
Lou: Have we ever seen her up?
Gladys: Enjoy your day! (Sobbing)
Tiffany Gladys, wait! Did you just say the camp is closing?
Gladys: That's right We haven't gotten enough applications for next year. Even though most of our cabins feature skylights.
Gladys: Those are termite holes!
Gladys: Potato, pot-ah-to.
Zuri: We don't have any of those either. Our potato salad is just expired mayonnaise.
Emma: Xander, I'll miss you and this camp so much. I'll think of you every time a mosquito sucks blood out of my leg.
Xander: That's sweet. And gross. Guys, relax. Two things happen every summer. Gladys threatens to shut down the camp, and there's a food poisoning scare.
Lou: And the only one that actually happens is the food poisoning.
Emma: Oh, you mean like last night when that chocolate pudding you were eating turned out to be old guacamole?
Lou: Bingo. So quit worrying. The camp is not closing down.
Gladys: (Sobbing) Goodbye, flag. I'll miss flying you at half-mast every time I get a new gray hair.
Lou: Uh-oh. Now I've got a bad feeling in my stomach. And it's not just the guacamole pudding.
Ravi: Gladys, why did you just sell the flagpole?
Gladys: Well, since the camp is closing, I have to sell everything I can to pay for a new place to live. Can I interest you in some sandals? (Chuckles) Never mind, these are ladies'.
Ravi: Oh. Those are mine!
Theme song.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Gladys: I can't imagine why no one's signed up for camp next summer. I mean, check out my cool website. (Clicks)
Emma: Uh, Gladys, that's a picture of a middle aged man with a comb-over.
Gladys: Ooh. Wrong page. Ooh, rich widower? Swipe right. And the best part of the site is this amazing promotional video I made.
Lou: I know we're gonna regret this. Let's check out this bad boy!
Gladys: (Music playing) Hey, kids, the nuclear arms race got ya down? Well, come to Camp Kikiwaka! We have classes in hacky sacking, acid-washing your jeans, and even moonwalking! It's totally tubular! Oh, look, it's our dreamy head counselor, Morgan Ross. Oh, Morgy! Well, gotta go! See you at camp! (Chuckling) I made that myself!
Zuri: That was horrifying.
Emma: I know. Dad had a mustache? He sure did.
Gladys: I used to dream of kissing that soup-strainer. (Giggles)
All: (shuddering)
Xander: Okay, there's only one way to save this place. We need to make a new promotional video.
Tiffany: Yeah, something a little more this century.
Emma: Hey, how about we do a live webcast!
Xander: That's a great idea! We just have to get a bunch of viewers.
Lou: I have 150,000 fans on Farmpage. If I let them know, they'll watch for sure.
Ravi: I thought all of your fans are pigs.
Lou: And their owners. And some chickens!
Emma: And I have 300,000 fans. And all of them are humans.
Xander: That's great. And the three of us can host it.
Emma: Great idea.
Lou: Right on!
Ravi: And I too will promote the event online. After all, I drew quite the crowd for last year's Reptile Leash and Collar Convention.
Zuri: Crowd? You only got six people.
Ravi: It was going to be seven, but Jonas Epstein was a no-show. His python choked him out. We sent flowers.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Ravi: Knock, knock, ladies! I want to see what you're planning on doing For the "save camp Kikiwaka" Webcast.
Zuri: (Chuckles) Does this answer your question? Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
Tiffany: You're going to talk about dinosaur bladders?
Zuri: No, I'm doing stand-up comedy! Because I'm hilarious. You two got a problem with that?
Ravi: (Gasps) Forgive me, but I do not see how you telling jokes is going to save the camp.
Zuri: Because, funny videos are the most popular non-cat-related things on the Internet. Once I go viral, everybody is going to want to come here and hang out with me.
Ravi: Hmm.
Tiffany: And when Lame-y Schumer here bombs, I'm going to wow the crowd with a classical violin concerto.
Ravi: Tiffany, the only kids who will be wowed by that cannot come to camp, because they are too busy getting their wedgies surgically removed.
Zuri: Ah! That's a crack-up! Get it? Butt crack? Crack-up? Is this brush on?
Ravi: Okay, I am sorry, but as the director of this webcast, I demand that you both do something with broader appeal. And by that, I mean any appeal.
Zuri: Okay, maybe people would like to see how far I can shove this brush up the director's nose!
Tiffany: Or if this violin bow can fit all the way in his-
Ravi: Okay! How about we go with your first ideas? (Chuckles nervously) Good talk! Catch you on the flip-flop!
Zuri: So, anybody here from out of town?
Tiffany: It's summer camp. Everyone here's from out of town!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: Okay, guys, let's do some brainstorming for the webcast. I've got a tornado of good ideas right up here.
Xander: Emma always has amazing ideas.
Emma: Xander's are even better.
Xander: No, yours are! (Both giggling) (Chuckles)
Lou: Okay, still haven't heard an idea!
Xander: Well My idea is that we should focus on the athletic activities at camp, like soccer, baseball, water-skiing-
Lou: Or maybe we could focus on the unique camp traditions, like the spirit stick, Kikiwaka Day, Jock Itch Jubilee That was more of a gathering than a jubilee.
Emma: Traditions are nice, but athletics might be more of a selling point.
Lou: Really? 'Cause you hate sports. Have you ever even used the word "sports" in a sentence?
Emma: "Xander looks amazing playing sports."
Lou: Wow, I walked right into that one.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Ravi: Hey, guys! Gladys is letting us use her tablet for the webcast!
Emma: Oh, does she want to be a part of it?
Ravi: No, she thinks it is a total waste of time, much like her electrolysis. The woman has knuckles like a silverback gorilla.
Lou: Hey, guys. So, what do you think?
Xander: You have a date with an oak later?
Lou: I still think we should show cool camp traditions. Oh, great wood spirits, I honor you with this dance!
Ravi: I have not seen her move like that since she sat on that anthill.
Lou: Now for the sacrifice. Someone get me a rat from the kitchen.
Emma: Um, Lou, I don't think carving up a rodent would be our biggest selling point.
Xander: Agreed. We should stick to sports.
Lou: Maybe I should show you the dance again.
All: No!
Xander: Well, since Emma and I are doing a tetherball demo for the webcast, we better go practice.
Lou: What's there to practice? It's a ball on a rope!
Emma: I have to try hard to keep up with Xander, 'cause he's awesome.
Xander: You're awesome-er! (Both laughing)
Lou: That is so annoying.
Ravi: You mean their bad grammar? I know. It is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
Lou: No, I mean they're so wrapped up in each other, they're kind of making me feel like a third wheel.
Ravi: I am sorry. I wish I could help, but I am not good with interpersonal conflicts. My best friend never speaks, and sheds an entire layer of skin every year.
Lou: Oh, Mrs. Kipling is your best friend?
Ravi: No, Harold Thomas. Mmm. He is shy, and always forgets to use sunscreen.
Lou: I just feel so left out.
Ravi: Well, you should tell them that!
Lou: I can't go tell my two best friends that their happiness is bumming me out. I would look like an idiot!
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Tiffany: (Violin playing)
Zuri: Can you please stop playing that? I can't hear my jokes.
Tiffany: You're welcome.
Zuri: Is that song a lullaby? Because you're putting me to sleep.
Tiffany: This happens to be a classical masterpiece! Which is also a lullaby.
Zuri: We're supposed to be attracting cool, fun kids. If you play music like that, we're going to attract kids like you and Ravi.
Tiffany: Well, your jokes are really killing it. And by "it," I mean my will to live.
Zuri: Very funny.
Tiffany: That makes one of us.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Ravi: Okay, our "Save Camp Kikiwaka" webcast Goes live in one minute!
Emma: (gasps) (Tablet beeping) Ooh, my fashion fans can't wait to see how cool Camp Kikiwaka is. Although they're a little less excited since we're all wearing the same shirt.
Lou: And my pig fans are excited too! Except I seem to be down a few hundred.
Xander: What happened?
Lou: A new barbecue place must have opened up back home. Every time that happens, I lose half my fans.
Ravi: Oh, do not smudge the lens! The fingerprints will make you look like you have wrinkles.
Emma: (Gasps and blows)
Lou: I know you guys didn't want to show any of our camp traditions, but what if I wow them with my whittling?
Xander: That, or we could show them a cool kayak race.
Emma: (Gasps) Ooh, Xander, that'd be awesome!
Lou: Is it me, or are they belittlin' my whittlin'?
Xander: Hey, Emma, let's do our Grizzchuck Greeting for good luck!
Emma: Okay.
Emma and Xander: (clicking tongues) Grr, grr!
Lou: What in the Kikiwaka was that?
Emma: Oh, it's a combination of the Grizzly Cabin Bear Hug and the Woodchuck Salute!
Lou: Okay. You can do what you want with your little Grizzly Hug, but no one ever changes the Woodchuck Salute.
Emma: Oh, sorry, Lou. We thought it'd be cute.
Lou: Yeah, about as cute as a grizzly bashing a woodchuck's brains in.
Emma: Is that cute? It doesn't sound cute.
Ravi: This is not the time for a salute dispute! We are on in, oh! Three (Gasps) Two-
Xander: Welcome to Camp Kikiwaka, where dreams come true!
Emma: And great memories are made!
Lou: And you, too, can be a part of the fun!
Xander: I'm Xander, one of the counselors here at the great Camp Kikiwaka. And this is Emma, our cutest CIT.
Emma: Oh, Xander. I'm not cute. I'm more classically beautiful.
Xander: And this is Lou, who-
Lou: Apparently, won't be whittling.
Ravi: Emma, please tell us what else about Camp Kikiwaka is "great."
Emma: Oh, right, the Great Lawn!
Xander: Which Down-Easter magazine hailed as "much less toxic than the lake." Let's check it out! Ah! Smell that Camp Kikiwaka air.
Emma: Scientists say that's the methane coming from the lake, but we say it smells like fun in the sun!
Xander: You know what's also a blast? A killer game of volleyball. Which our campers are playing right now! (Gavel thudding)
Gladys: Next item up for bid, a slightly used volleyball net.
Xander: Uh, nothing says summer fun like auctioning off summer fun.
Gladys: This could also be used as a fishing net, to catch that special someone of your dreams. Which I've never managed to do. (Sobbing)
Emma: Those are happy tears!
Gladys: No, they're not!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Xander: I can't believe Gladys is selling off the camp in the middle of our webcast. Should we stop?
EMma: No, that would disappoint thousands of my fans, and what's left of Lou's pigs.
Ravi: (Tablet beeping) Yes! And we just got our first comment! Puglife4eva writes (Reading) Okay! (Chuckles nervously) Thank you for the constructive criticism. And that is my sister!
Emma: Uh, let's go look at our beautiful kayaks. Some of them actually float!
Xander: (Chuckles) Gladys, we're doing a webcast to save the camp, and instead of helping, you're selling everything that's not nailed down!
Gladys: Nothing is nailed down, because I sold all the nails!
Xander: But this stuff isn't even worth that much money.
Gladys: You're right. It isn't. (Gasps) Next item up for bid, this hunky counselor! Show 'em the six-pack, kid. (Whispers) Come on.
Xander: Okay, but I've had a lot of bread today.
Emma: Or We can work off that bread with a game of tetherball.
Xander: Good idea. Hey, where's the tetherball?
Gladys: Sold for $5 to that dapper gentleman. (Chuckles) I wrote my number on it.
Emma: Regular tetherball is for wimps. Here at Camp Kikiwaka, we're about extreme sports! Hey, Xander, ready for a game of tether-brick?
Xander: Not really. Ow! Game over. Game over.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Tiffany: (Violin playing)
Zuri: Quit it. It sounds like a dying cat!
Tiffany: Speaking of dying, that's what your routine's going to do on the webcast!
Zuri: Hey, why did one girl hit the other girl with a violin? To shut her up.
Tiffany: (Sighs) That's not a joke.
Zuri: No. That's what's going to happen!
Tiffany: Bring it, Seinfeld! (Both laughing) This is crazy.
Zuri: Yeah, why are we even fighting?
Tiffany: I don't know. After all, we both want the same thing!
Zuri: Yeah. To save this camp.
Tiffany: I really don't want to leave Camp Kikiwaka. I mean, this is where I learned how to have fun. Thanks to you.
Zuri: Remember when I introduced you to candy? You ate my entire shipment of Choco-Chunks.
Tiffany: Yeah, my teeth are still buzzing. Well, the ones that didn't fall out.
Zuri: (Giggles) On the bright side, you got 200 bucks from the tooth fairy.
Tiffany: You know, Zuri, I actually kind of liked your pterodactyl joke. Silent "p." (Chuckles) I love spelling-based humor.
Zuri: Thanks. And your fiddle-playing probably would be a big draw for the nerds. Some of you guys are okay.
Tiffany: Hey, you know what would be a really great idea for the webcast? If we worked together, and did a music comedy combo!
Zuri: Awesome! We could call ourselves the Classical Quipsters. I'll work on that.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys: Okay, I've sold everything out here but the grass, which nobody wanted. Stupid kid stains.
Xander: Uh, so, now that the auction is over, let's show all the other fun stuff we do here at Camp Kikiwaka. Like Toilet-carrying races?
Ravi: Okay, I think that is enough commode coverage. (Tablet beeping) Ooh, we have another comment from CrayCrayInCapeCod.
Xander: What is it?
Ravi: She requests that Xander show off his washboard abs.
Emma: (Gasps)
Xander: Okay, okay-
Emma: Absolutely not! If you show CrayCray your abs, I'm giving Puglife my number!
Lou: Listen, you two, we need to talk. You and Xander have got me like a mule chewing on bumblebees!
Xander and Emma: What? Huh?
Lou: Mad. I am mad at you.
Emma: Why are you mad at us?
Ravi: Uh, guys, could this little chat wait until after the webcast? Remember your fans!
Emma: (Sighs) If Lou's upset, that's more important. So forget the webcast, and forget my fans! Love you guys!
Ravi: (Chuckles nervously) No! I have worked too hard and read too many typo-ridden comments to stop now. If you want to turn off this camera, you will have to take it from me. Warning, I did two push-ups yesterday, so I am still jacked up!
Emma: I'll take my chances.
Ravi: That is it. I give up on the webcast and saving the camp. If anyone needs me, I will be packing up Mrs. Kipling's nighties.
Xander: Lou, what is going on? What did we do?
Lou: You two are so wrapped up in each other, it's like no one else exists. You guys didn't even consider my great ideas for the webcast.
Xander: You wanted to sacrifice a rat.
Lou: Okay, they can't all be home runs. My point is, since you two started dating (Sighs) I feel kind of left out.
Emma: Lou, I am so sorry that we made you feel like a third wheel.
Xander: Yeah. Why didn't you say something before?
Lou: Because you guys are so happy together. I don't want to get in the way of that.
Emma: Lou, you could never get in the way.
Xander: Yeah. You've been my best friend since we were ten, when we met on the bus ride up here.
Lou: I remember. You threw up the whole way.
Xander: And you were the only one who didn't tease me. Plus, you held the barf bag.
Lou: That was my backpack.
Xander: You are such a good friend. I'm so sorry, Lou.
Emma: (Sniffling) Me too.
Lou: I love you guys.
Emma: And we love you. In fact, that's been the best thing about this camp. Becoming friends with you guys.
Lou: Ditto. How about the three of us go for a swim in the lake together?
Emma: Great idea!
Xander: Last one in is a rotten egg!
Lou: Which is ironic, 'cause that's what the lake smells like.
Tiffany: Okay, we're ready to help save the camp!
Zuri: Where did everybody go?
Tiffany: I can't believe we missed the webcast!
Zuri: Well, it's their loss. Now they'll never hear the musical comedy stylings of the Classical Quipsters. Sorry, I couldn't beat it.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: I can't believe this is gonna be our last summer together.
Xander: It's so sad. Maybe, I'll write a song about it. What rhymes with "toilet auction"?
Emma: You know, when I first got here, all I wanted to do was leave. Now, all I want to do is stay here, with all of you.
Tiffany: (Sighs) Miserable next summer with my mom, here I come.
Zuri: Hey, maybe she won't be as hard on you as you think.
Tiffany: (All laughing) Oh, Zuri, even in the darkest times, you still have a sense of humor.
Gladys: (Panting) Hey, everyone! Great news!
Ravi: Our webcast was a hit!

We got 300 new applications. So we're back in business! (All cheering and whooping)

Xander: That's great, but how? The webcast was a disaster.
Ravi: True. However, it turns out that the camera stayed on during Emma, Lou, and Xander's warm reconciliation. The fans loved it so much, now they all want to come to Camp Kikiwaka!
Gladys: Apparently, people really love that "friends forever" mumbo jumbo!
Lou: Looks like we're gonna be besties at camp next summer, too.
Emma: We're going to be besties forever. Or at least until the black mold in our cabin kills us.
Gladys: Hey, that is great insulation. Anyway, thank you all so much for saving our camp. Now I just have to buy back the canoes, the flag pole, the pool table-
Ravi: And the toilets?
Gladys: Nah, just cut out the middle man and go in the lake.

That's where the toilets lead, anyway.

All: Ew!
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Xander: It feels really good to have everything back to normal.
Emma: It feels even better having our toilet back.
Lou: I'll say.
Gladys: Thank you all again so much. I haven't been this happy since your father finally lifted that restraining order.
Zuri: Congratulations! Now you won't have to stand 100 yards away from the camp on Parents' Day!
Gladys: Anyway, after the success of your live webcast, I now realize we need to update our promotional video.
All: (agreeing and sighing)
Tiffany: Uh, Gladys, how exactly is this "updated"?
Gladys: Because in this one, we're going to be doing the running man! Now dance, or I'll sell your clothes and you'll be stuck in these outfits for the rest of the summer! Action! (1980s music playing)
Emma: Please tell me you're not really filming this.
Ravi: Of course not. I am watching cat videos. (Cat meowing) Mr. Meowington thinks he can fit in that tiny box! Adorable.

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