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Love is for the Birds
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Emma: (Grunting) OMG! This is really stuck. What kind of person puts a bucket on their head on purpose?
Jorge: I have to wash my hair!
Ravi: Can you not just use the shower?
Jorge: Ew! No way. I pee in there! (Gags) (Grunts) (Chuckles)
Sasha: Whoa, you want to ride on my handle bars, just ask.
Ravi: (Both chuckle) I am so sorry, Sasha. Jorge got his head stuck in a bucket again, and I lost my balance And my will to live.
Sasha: (Laughs) (Groans) You are funny. Uh, hey Do you want to join me on my bike ride?
Ravi: Before I commit, may I ask why there is a steak tied to your bike?
Sasha: How else are you going to get the mountain lions to chase you?
Ravi: Well, as tempting as that sounds, (Chuckles) my hammies are quite tender from today's chair aerobics.
Sasha: Maybe next time. Catch you later!
Emma: OMG, Sasha was totally flirting with you!
Ravi: Wha- Oh, that is not possible. Sasha is the coolest girl in camp. And I am not even the coolest guy in Botany Club. That is Derek, obvi.
Jorge: Emma's right, she's into you. Of course, she also teases mountain lions, so clearly her judgment is impaired.
Ravi: Well, even if you guys are right, I have no idea how to woo a maiden.
Emma: Well, to start off, never say "woo" or "maiden." Don't worry, I'll coach you through it.
Jorge: I'll help too.
Emma: Why would he ask you for help? You just got your head stuck in a bucket.
Jorge: Yeah, but I looked smokin' hot doing it.
Theme song.
Exterior. The Spot.
Lou: Woodchucks, I am so glad I get to share the gift of bird-watching with you!
Zuri: Next time you want to share a gift with me, I like cash.
Lou: Oh, my lucky stars, a Tufted Titmouse!
Tiffany: Ooh, a Purple Fairy Martin!
Zuri: And a Tinsel Flea Turnip! What? I thought we were just saying weird words.
Tiffany: The Purple Fairy Martin and Tufted Titmouse are species of birds. In fact, there are over 400 diverse avian species in Maine.
Zuri: Eh, they all look like pigeons to me.
Lou: Let's get a closer look at these magnificent creatures. If you look up, don't open your mouth.
Tiffany: Hey, Zuri, look! A Tawny Eagle egg. It must've fallen from its nest way up there.
Zuri: Aw, we have to save this baby birdy.
Tiffany: (Gasps) Let's take it back to the cabin.
Zuri: Sweet! I've always wanted a guard eagle.
Tiffany: Really?
Zuri: Yes, it's the first step in becoming a supervillain.
Tiffany: It's good to have goals.
Zuri: But we can't tell Lou about this. Remember when she made us get rid of that adorable stray puppy?
Tiffany: To be fair, it was a wolf.
Zuri: Yeah I miss Bitey.
Interior. Mess hall.
Ravi: Oh, okay, the target has been spotted.
Emma: Don't say target. You want to take her out, not "take her out!"
Ravi: Okay, what do I do?
Emma: Walk up to her?
Ravi: Oh, got it.
Jorge: But do it in a cool way, like you're in a Western. Girls love cowboys.
Ravi: Howdy, ma'am. You must be the new school marm in town. (Whispering) What am I saying?
Sasha: I have no idea, but did you just call me a "marm"?
Jorge: Abort! Punch her and run away. That's what girls do to me.
Emma: Don't listen to bucket head. Ask her about her day. And whatever she says, act fascinated.
Ravi: Ah! How is your day going, Sasha?
Sasha: Well, so far, I've just had breakfast.
Ravi: Really? That is fascinating!
Sasha: Ah, not really, it was just a donut.
Jorge: I can't believe she took the last donut!
Ravi: I can't believe you took the last donut!
Sasha: Well, if it makes you feel any better, it was stale. (Both chuckle)
Jorge: It doesn't.
Emma: Don't let her go!
Ravi: Oh, wait! (Exclaiming)
Sasha: Whoa! That was some hardcore parkour!
Jorge: Great! He's in!
Ravi: I like to live life on the edge. In fact, I may just leave some of these splinters in my tushy.
Emma: (Chuckles) And he's out again.
Ravi: Uh, Sasha, would you want to go on a date with me?
Sasha: Sure!
Ravi: Well, you cannot blame a guy for trying- Wait, did you just say yes?
Sasha: (Chuckling) Yes.
Emma and Jorge: Yes!
Emma: They have sporks.
Jorge: And Ravi finally got a date!
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Zuri: Who's a cute little eggy? You are. Yes, you are!
Tiffany: Hey, Zuri. (Door closes) I found this book about baby birds in the library. It's called "What to Expect When You're Eggs-pecting." (Chuckles)
Zuri: We don't need a book, we can just "wing" it. Oh, but "Eggs-pecting" is so clever.
Tiffany: Anyway, the book says that the baby bird will need food as soon as it's hatched. So, we should stock up on worms now. Right.
Zuri: I say we flip a coin to see who does the chewing and regurgitating.
Tiffany: Or we can use a blender.
Zuri: Sure. If you want to be a lazy parent. Next you'll be leaving her with a birdysitter, who will just stick her in front of the TV all day. Little Shelly deserves better.
Tiffany: Shelly? I thought we were going to name her Egg-atha.
Zuri: Fine, if you want her to be teased, spend all her birthdays alone, and never get asked to prom. Then, she'll wind up an old maid, with a bunch of cats, who will eat her, because she's a bird!
Tiffany: Or none of those things will happen, because she is a bird.
Lou: Hey, my little Chuck-lets. What's going on?
Both: Nothing!
Lou: Okay. So, Zuri, how do you like the bird-watching? What was your favorite part?
Tiffany (Grunts) Spending time with you. Now get lost!
Zuri: Bye. Visit anytime.
Lou: I will, because this is my cabin. And has been for eight years.
Zuri: Then it's time for a change.
Tiffany: Yeah. Why don't you check out Bunny cabin? They have a really great view of the cesspool.
Lou: Okay, something's going on here. You two are sweating like hogs in a hot tub.

We like to give them a spa day before we- You know.

Tiffany: Ooh, is that a Red breasted Nuthatch?
Lou: Ooh, that's my favorite of all the nuthatches.
Zuri: Phew! That was close.
Tiffany: (Gasps) Zuri! The egg! (Clatters) Thank goodness. You almost broke it.
Zuri: I broke something.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Jorge: Hey, there's my lady killer! How did your whitewater rafting date go?
It was humiliating. When we went over the rapids, I screamed like a toddler on Santa's lap.
Maybe she thought they were screams of excitement?
Yes. And maybe she also thought the wetness in my pants was from the river.
Don't worry, champ. Pick yourself up, change your underwear, and focus on the second date.
Did you not hear the wee-wee-in-the pants story?
Sasha: Hey, Ravi, do you have a second?
Ravi: Here it comes. I know, I have a great personality, but you just want to be friends.
(Chuckles) No.
Wait, you do not want to be friends?
Of course. I came over to see if you want to go on a second date?
Second date?
Jorge: Second date!
Ravi: Well, yes, I cannot wait to go out with you again! Oh, I am so happy. Nay, elated! I have (Clears throat) I mean, cool, whatevs.
Sasha: (Chuckles) Sweet! And whatever we do, it has to be totally extreme! (Both laughing) Come on, X me!
Ravi: Okay, extreme starts with an "E," but I suppose I will throw caution and spelling to the wind! (Exclaims)
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Ravi: Hey, Sasha.
Sasha: Wow, Ravi! You're not limping anymore. You are an extreme healer! (Groans) I love that!
Ravi: Oh, yes, I am a speedy clotter. (Chuckles) So, what shall we do for our hangout?
Sasha: Dude, when you're with me, you don't "hang out." Hang, chill, relax, are not words in my vocabulary!
Ravi: Then I think our next date should be at an SAT prep course.
Sasha: (Chuckles) I'd rather do an obstacle course. (Both chuckle) But right now, we're going to joust. Super romantic, right?
Ravi: Is it?
Jorge: Aw, look at Ravi with Sasha. Our little boy is all grown up.
Emma: And there's finally a girl talking to him who's not a family member or a teacher.
Sasha: Isn't this so much fun? (Groans) (Chuckles)
Ravi: If I say yes, will you stop pummeling me?
Sasha: Come on, bro, don't go easy on me! Hit me as hard as you can!
Ravi: Ha! Very well. Get ready for me to bring the pain!
Sasha: (Laughing) (Grunting) Stop! That tickles.
Jorge: Aw, young love is adorable.
Emma: (Groans) And apparently painful.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Zuri: Rock-a-bye Shelly, in the tree top- When the wind blows-
Tiffany: Hello, the wind probably blew her out of the nest. Way to traumatize her.
Zuri: I'm sorry, Shelly. I'll just tell you a story. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall-
Tiffany: Nope!
Zuri: And lived happily ever after, without a great fall.
Tiffany: It's Lou! Quick, hide Egg-atha!
Zuri: Shelly!
Tiffany: Whatever!
Lou: (Sighs) I have been looking for that red breasted nuthatch forever! (Door closes) Are you sure that's what you saw?
Tiffany: Absolutely. I mean, two wings, a beak What else could it have been?
Lou: Every bird in existence. Uh, Zuri What's going on there?
Zuri: Uh I just went through puberty. On one side.
Lou: Don't you hate when that happens? Okay, fess up. What are you guys hiding?
Zuri: (Sighs) Okay, Lou, this is Shelly. Shelly, say hi. Oh, she's shy.
Lou: This is a Tawny Eagle egg. Did you learn nothing from when I had to take Bitey away?
Zuri: Only that there's a lump of ice where your heart should be!
Lou: Hey, that wolf tried to take a chunk out of my prized hams. Now get to explaining.
Tiffany: We found the egg when we were bird watching. So we're taking care of it till it hatches.
Lou: Girls, taking this egg was a huge mistake. Eagles are a protected species.
Zuri: What were we supposed to do? Leave it in the forest, like Gladys left Timmy?
Lou: No, we need to turn it over to a wildlife officer. Eagle eggs are high-maintenance, and require a lot of attention.
Zuri: So does Emma, but we keep her!
Lou: I'm sorry, girls.
Zuri: We can't let Shelly be raised by a bunch of strangers. (Door closes) No one's gonna love her as much as we do.
Tiffany: Except Possibly her bird mom? Maybe we should take Shelly back to her nest.
Zuri: But she'd love New York. There's eight million people to poop on. (Sighs) Fine, I'll start getting her ready.
Tiffany: Uh- Why are you putting her hat on her butt?
Zuri: This is her butt? Oh, man, I've been kissing the wrong cheeks.
Interior. Mess hall.
Ravi: Ow! Ow!
Emma: I cannot believe you did extreme fire jousting.
Ravi: Why not? It is so much more fun when there is more at stake.
Emma: (Nervous chuckle) Yeah, like your fingerprints!
Ravi: On the bright side, I can now commit a crime without being traced.
Jorge: Good, because there's a couple kids in Bunny cabin I'd like to see "take a hike."
Emma: Ravi, I'm happy you're dating Sasha, but can't you at least ask her if she wants to do something more chill?
Ravi: The only "chill" thing Sasha has ever done is get frostbite while dog sledding in Alaska.
Jorge: Don't listen to her, bro. Love hurts.
Emma: Yeah, but it shouldn't give you third degree burns.
Jorge: Chicks dig scars. My uncle told me that. He's a really bad plastic surgeon.
Exterior. The Spot.
Tiffany: (Panting) Wow, it feels like we've been climbing forever, but at least the view is great.
Zuri: Not from where I'm standing.
Tiffany: We made it! Oh, look, what a lovely nest.
Zuri: Yeah, but I'm not sure about the neighborhood. I saw some sketchy squirrels on the way up here.
Tiffany: Zuri, Shelly will be fine. This is where she belongs. My book!
Zuri: Whoa! Did this tree grow since we've been up here?
Tiffany: I'm afraid to climb down! (Choking)
Zuri: Be careful! You're going to knock Shelly out of her nest!
Tiffany: At least she has a protective shell to break her fall! I only have you!
Zuri: Look, I'm sure eventually someone at camp will notice we're missing and come rescue us.
Tiffany: Or they'll just think, "Oh, goodie, more pudding for us!"
Zuri: Tiffany, I promise, everything is going to be fine. (Eagle screaming) Or not! Mom's home.
Tiffany: (GASPS) The two most terrifying words in the English language.
Interioro. Grizzly cabin.
Ravi: One, two, two and a half-
Jorge: Ravi, if you can't jump off a bed, how are you going to jump out of a plane?
Emma: OMG! I heard you and Sasha were going skydiving, but I didn't believe it. I mean, you won't even do regular diving.
Ravi: I know, but with Sasha, I'm a new man. Jorge, my step stool. Emma, being in a relationship is about compromise.
Emma: Maybe when it comes to pizza toppings, but not when it comes to living or dying. (Sighs) Ravi, you need to break up with this girl.
Jorge: No way! He can't risk losing Sasha. He'll never find another girl who wants to go out with him.
Ravi: I beg your pardon!
Jorge: I'm sorry. Whom wants to go out with him.
Ravi: (Sighs) Jorge is right. Sasha is my first real girlfriend, and that is worth any risk.
Emma: You know how I know you're wrong? Because that sentence started with "Jorge is right."
Ravi: Emma, just be happy for me. I can finally go to a movie and hold something other than popcorn.
Sasha: Hey, thrill seeker.
Ravi: (Chuckles) We have pet names for each other. Hey, death wish.
Sasha: (Chuckles) (Groans) You ready for the rush of your life?
Ravi: As ready as two hydrogen atoms to form a covalent bond!
Emma: That's his way of saying he's ready.
Sasha: Great, let's fly!
Jorge: Well, he may break every bone in his body, but at least he'll be able to say he had a girlfriend.
Emma: How is he going to say anything with a broken jaw?
Jorge: Like this (Muffled) "I had a girlfriend."
Emma: Okay, back in your bucket.
Exterior. The Spot.
Tiffany: (Tiffany and Zuri screaming) (Eagle screeching) I never thought I'd meet a mom scarier than mine!
Zuri: Well, at least if we die up here, we won't get in trouble for sneaking away!
Lou: You two are in big trouble!
Tiffany: (Gasps) Lou, how did you find us?
Lou: Well, I just thought to myself, "What is the stupidest thing these girls could do?" And bing-bang-boom, here we are!
Zuri: Quick! She's coming back! And she's got a knife!
Lou: That's a twig.
Zuri: It's still pointy and sharp.
Lou: (Cawing)
Tiffany: What are you doing?
Lou: I told her to go away. I speak eagle.
Tiffany: Well, not very well.
Lou: It's my second language!
Tiffany: There she is.
Lou: (Chirps) She's so beautiful.
Zuri: (Egg cracking) Guys, look! Shelly's hatching! (Chirping)
Lou: Isn't this a miracle?
Zuri: I can't believe it's Shelly's birthday. Hatch day? Either way, there should be cake.
Tiffany: Ooh, can we also have an ice cream bar?
Lou: Sure, I'll see if someone delivers 100 feet in the air. Are you people crazy?
Zuri: (Chirping continues) Aw! She loves Shelly as much as we do!
Lou: She sure does. So, are you guys ready to say goodbye?
Zuri: You're never really ready.
TIffany: Take good care of our Shelly. Keep her warm, and find her lots of nice, juicy mice to eat.
Zuri: And caw her to sleep every night. Of course, she loves the Dixie Chicks.
Lou: Okay, Woodchucks, let's make like a Camp Kikiwaka dance party and get down.
Interior. The plane.
Sasha: (Airplane whirring) This is awesome, right? Can't you just feel the adrenaline pumping through your body?
Ravi: Is that what that is? I thought that was just my heart exploding.
Sasha: Three, two, one Jump! (Ravi screaming) Isn't this amazing?
Ravi: No! This is the most horrifying experience of my life! And I spent most of eighth grade with my head shoved in a toilet!
Sasha: Ravi, what are you saying?
Ravi: I am saying I do not think this is working out! I'm going to have to break up with you.
Sasha: What?
Ravi: It is not you, it is me- Thinking I am going to die every time I am with you.
Sasha: And you're telling me this now?
Ravi: I agree the optimum time might have been back on the plane. Or before we took off.
Sasha: You are so not the extreme guy I thought you were.
Ravi: Like, duh!
Sasha: I should have known when you insisted on having an extinguisher on hand for fire jousting.
Ravi: Well, excuse me for not wanting to die, you total whackadoo! So- Now that we are amicably parted, can we review the landing procedure?
Sasha: I guess that's something else you should have asked this total whackadoo before you dumped me in mid-air.
Ravi: Fair point. (Screaming)
Exterior. The Spot.
Tiffany: Thanks again, Lou.
Zuri: Yeah. I can't believe you risked your life climbing up that tree to save us.
Lou: Of course I did. I'm your momma bird. And a momma bird will do anything to protect her young.
Tiffany: So, we're not in trouble?
Lou: Oh, yeah, you're in trouble. And this momma bird can make you clean the bathroom- The boys' bathroom, after sloppy joe night.
Both: Ew! (Ravi screaming) (Thuds) (Grunting and groaning)
Lou: Ravi?
Ravi: Oh, hello. As you may have guessed, I am single again.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Emma: You know, Ravi, I'm really proud of you.
Ravi: (Sighs) Why? Because I became the world's first human Christmas ornament?
Emma: No, because even though you wanted Sasha as your girlfriend, you realized it wasn't worth pretending to be someone you're not.
Ravi: Thank you, Emma.
Jorge: I still say, you got to do what you got to do to get the ladies. I've pretended to be a spy, an astronaut, and a proctologist.
Ravi: And that works?
Jorge: Nope. Not even once. By the way, what's a proctologist?

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