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No Escape
Exterior. Great lawn.
Lou: Camp Kikiwaka is proud to debut our new climbing wall.
Emma: We thought this would be fun since so many of you try to climb the razor wire fence surrounding the camp.
Xander: Jorge, did the Bunny cabin TP you again? (Sighs) I'll tell them to leave you alone, right after their nap time.
Jorge: No, I dress like this when my favorite graphic novel comes out. I am King Tut Jones. Mummy detective!
Lou: Ooh, maybe I can read it when you're done. I'm a comic book nerd, too.
Jorge: I am not a comic book nerd. I'm a graphic novel nerd. And none of us will be reading the new edition, because Gladys won't let me go to town to buy one.
Emma: Yeah, it's a rule. No campers are allowed in town.
Xander: Even counselors can't go. Which is ridiculous, because I'm a responsible adult. (Giggles) Oh, flat tire! (Chuckles) Yeah. It's crazy I can't go to town.
Emma: Jorge, you can't get your comic book-
Jorge: Graphic novel.
Emma: But maybe you'd enjoy trying the climbing wall.
Jorge: I read about danger, I don't do danger.
Lou: Okay, Tiffany, you're up first.
Tiffany: I'm scared.
Lou: Don't be. You can't fall, because Emma's holding your safety rope. Emma!
Emma: Right.
Ravi: "I know who I am and I am enough."
Emma: You're doing great, Tiff! Ahh! There's a spider on my leg!
Tiffany: (Tiffany screams) (Groans) Ravi! You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?
Ravi: You can start by getting your knee out of my coccyx.
Emma: Tiffany, I'm so sorry. But in my defense, that spider was really hairy, and I the can't stand having hair on my legs.
Lou: I like it. It tells me which way the wind's blowing. Mmm, southwest.
Theme song.
Interior. Mess hall.
Jorge: Zuri, what's wrong?
Zuri: I lost my headphones. So, not only can I not listen to music, but I can't pretend to listen to music to get out of conversations with kids wearing toilet paper.
Jorge: I'd use gauze, but the infirmary is out. Just my luck, some kid falls into a ravine the day I need a mummy costume.
Zuri: Why are you wearing a costume?
Jorge: Because I wanted to go to the town's store to buy a graphic novel.
Zuri: Wait, there's a town store? I could buy new headphones there!
Jorge: Too bad it's against the rules to go.
Zuri: Rules! You're so cute.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Ravi: (Groans)
Tiffany: Hey, Ravi. I got you a little something to thank you for saving my life, and to apologize for bruising your butt.
Ravi: Oh, thank you, Tiffany. But I cannot accept something- (Gasps) Ooh, a cushion! Oh!
Tiffany: It's not just a cushion, it's a promise cushion.
Ravi: I am sorry, I do not follow.
Tiffany: By accepting, you are promising your heart to me if and when my mother ever allows me to date.
Ravi: Oh, that is very flattering. But, I am a CIT and you are a camper. This little attraction, while adorable, and a sign of very good taste, needs to come to an end.
Tiffany: Oh, it will. Probably after our wedding. Definitely after our kids.
Ravi: Wait- Hey, Lou. I need your help. There is a girl who has succumbed to my charms. There has to be a way to spare her feelings and let her down easy, since I cannot turn off all of this.
Lou: All right, Casanova, just make this girl think you're dating someone else. Then she'll know you can't be together, but won't feel like you rejected her.
Ravi: Oh, did you use that on some poor sap who had a crush on you?
Lou: No, I was the poor sap.
Ravi: Oh, oh, ooh! Well, my pretend girlfriend will be named Symphonique.
Lou: Let me know how that works out for you.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Jorge: Now, if we're going to sneak out of camp unnoticed, we need to be stealthy.
Zuri: Jorge, sneaking is less effective when you leave a trail of toilet paper.
Jorge: Uh-oh, that's not good. I'm not wearing anything underneath. Wrap me! It's Gladys! Hide!
Gladys: (Sighs) Jorge, what the heck are you doin'?
Zuri: Uh, he got TP-ed by the Bunny cabin again.
Gladys: (Gasps) I can't believe they did that. It's hilarious!
Xander: Emma, you've gotta stop beating yourself up about dropping Tiffany. Every counselor makes mistakes. Just be vigilant from now on.
Emma: Right, we always have to be focused on the kids. Where are all the kids?
Both: Hmm.
Interior. Mess hall.
Tiffany: Hey, Ravi. Are you enjoying your cushion? It's stuffed with microfibers and age-appropriate affection.
Ravi: Tiffany, there is something I must tell you.
Tiffany: Ooh, I want to know everything about you.
Ravi: I have a girlfriend.
Tiffany: Except that. Who is she?
Ravi: Symphonique.
Tiffany: Symphonique? You mean, from Weasel cabin?
Ravi: Wait, what?
Tiffany: That girl over there, right? (Grunting)
Ravi: Yup, that is my baby-boo.
Tiffany: (Chuckles) Oh, yeah? Prove it. Go hold her hand.
Ravi: (Chuckles) Well, okay. Since she is, in fact, my girlfriend, There is no reason she would not hold my hand. (Chuckles) (Grunts) Oh! Okay, bluff called.
Tiffany: I knew it! Why would you lie to me?
Ravi: I'm sorry. I was just looking for a gentle way to put an end to your little crush.
Tiffany: Well, thanks for ripping my heart out gently.
Ravi: I hope you can forgive my little white lie.
Tiffany: Sure, if you can forgive my little white lie.
Ravi: Which is?
Tiffany: That girl's name is Barbara.
Ravi: Wha- (Gasps) Well played, Tiffany. Well played.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Xander: Well, Jorge's definitely not in the mess hall, because there's still butter left.
Emma: And I haven't seen Zuri since she was complaining about needing new headphones.
Xander: And Jorge was upset about not being able to buy that new comic book.
Emma: Oh, no! You know what this means? Jorge and Zuri snuck into-
Both: Town!
Xander: I am so in tune with the campers. (Chuckles) But why would they do that?
Emma: To get a comic book and head-
Both: Phones!
Xander: Mmm, yep, my theory makes perfect sense!
Emma: How do you do it? We have to find them!
Xander: Okay. But we have to sneak out of camp without anyone noticing, so be very inconspicuous.
Emma: (Scoffs) Boys.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Lou: Ooh, jam session! Let me break out my jug! (Blowing into jug)
Tiffany: Uh, Lou, I'm dealing with some real issues over here!
Lou: (Scoffs) It's not about your mom again, is it? Because, if it is, I've got to be- Somewhere.
Tiffany: No, it's about a boy.
Lou: Oh! Well, in that case, I'm your girl! What's going on, kiddo?
Tiffany: Well, I thought we had a real connection, but he just blew me off.
Lou: Oh, I've been there, honey. Have I been there. Mordecai Thompson. Finest boy I've ever seen. We locked eyes over a tub of beans at a family reunion.
Tiffany: Family?
Lou: He was a caterer! I'm no hillbilly. The point is, I wanted me some him, but he didn't want him any me.
Tiffany: So, what did you do?
Lou: I didn't fight for him, so he got away. He ended up with the leggy blonde who worked at the Worm Depot. (Sobs) It's so hard! Oh, no! I feel myself going to a really dark place! Catch me, Tiffany! I'm falling!
Tiffany: You're okay, Lou. And we were talking about me, remember?
Lou: Oh. Right, yeah, you. Um, listen. Learn from my mistakes. If you're sure this boy is perfect for you, then you need to do whatever it takes to show him. Whatever it takes.
Tiffany: I'm going to do that. Thanks, Lou. You gonna be okay?
Lou: Who me? (Chuckles) Yeah, I'm good. Real good. (Sobs) Mordecai! Catch me, stuffed cow! (Grunts)
Interior. Maine General Store.
Zuri: Jorge, we're here. You can stop rolling.
Jorge: (Groans)
Zuri: Excuse me-
Ted: Uh-uh-uh-uh! The sign says, "Ring bell for assistance." If you need assistance, please ring the bell. (Inaudible) Yeah, our bell is currently out of order. How may I assist you?
Jorge: Where are your graphic novels? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ted: Slow down there, two-ply. I'm busy helping the young lady who was kind enough to ring the bell.
Zuri: Do you have any headphones?
Ted: Yeah, we do. Aisle three. It's the one marked "Aisle two."
Jorge: Hey, Zuri, would you mind spotting me some cash?
Zuri: (Sighs) You came all this way without any money?
Jorge: Listen, not all of us have rich parents. My mom's just a simple anesthesiologist.
Zuri: Here you go. Okay, let's go back to camp before we get into serious trouble.
Xander: (Bell dings) Jorge, Zuri, you are in serious trouble!
Emma: I hope you like off-brand caviar, because that's all you two are getting for the rest of the summer!
Xander: You really need to work on your punishments. Let's go now.
Jorge: (Bell dings) Uh, oops.
Ted: That statue was one of a kind! Looks like you owe me 200 bucks!
Xander: Tell me you're joking.
Ted: Nope. Not a big fan of whimsy. Now, if you can't afford to pay, looks like you're gonna have to stay here and work off your debt.
Emma: But we have to get back to camp. And we don't have that much cash.
Ted: Well, the only other form of payment I'll take is snow tires.
Xander: Where am I supposed to get snow tires?
Ted: Any tire store. Or from the garage of the guy who stole mine.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Tiffany: Hey, Ravi.
Ravi: Oh, Tiffany, I am so glad to see you.
Tiffany: You are?
Ravi: Yeah. That cushion you got me, did you find it on a website? A catalog?
Tiffany: (Chuckles) Forget the cushion. I thought about my crush on you, and I realized you were right. In fact, a super cute boy my age just asked me to hang out.
Ravi: Tiffany, I am so very happy for you. Who is this lucky boy?
Tiffany: (Sighs) His name is Sven. He's the Norwegian kid in Moose cabin.

He's really sensitive. Both to feelings and to sunlight.

Ravi: Wow, he sounds like quite a catch.
Tiffany: He is, but here's the thing, I'm kind of nervous. I've never hung out with a boy I liked before.
Ravi: You will do fine.
Tiffany: But I really want Sven to like me. Hey, here's a spontaneous idea! What if you and I hung out, you know, for practice?
Ravi: I don't know.
Tiffany: I'll bring your cushion.
Ravi: I am in.
Interior. Mess hall.
Ravi: Okay, Tiffany, I am here to Whoa! I thought we were just "hanging out." This seems like a date based on what people have told me about them.
Tiffany: Absolutely not! I just figured that practicing in a romantic environment now, will make it easier to play checkers with Sven later.
Ravi: Oh, I get it! It is like working out. I lift the five pound weights, so that later the one pound weights feel lighter.
Tiffany: You can lift five pounds?
Ravi: Well, with a spotter.
Tiffany: (Chuckles) So, Sven, let's discuss our hopes and dreams over a dozen raw oysters.
Ravi: Ooh, my cushion! Ah!
Tiffany: People say you need a mature palate to enjoy oysters. I might be only 11 but (Slurps) I love 'em. Guess that makes me mature. So, where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Ravi: (Mock Norwegian accent) Well, since I am a Sven, and I am a Norwegian I will probably be riding a luge down a fjord.
Tiffany: (Chuckles) Ravi, your accent is terrible. Maybe you should just be yourself.
Ravi: Huh. My social skills coach told me never to be myself.
Interior. Maine General Store.
Emma: My hands are cramping. I can't change one more expiration date!
Xander: It beats scraping mold off melons.
Jorge: These things are furry-er than Gladys's back.
Zuri: Ted, this is wrong. That food belongs in a dumpster.
Ted: Yeah, where do you think I found it?
Zuri: You know what? That's it! This is Jorge's debt. I'm out of here.
Emma: Oh no, you're not! You might not have broken the statue, but you snuck out of camp and put us in this position. So we're all in this together.
Zuri: Sorry, can't hear you. Loud music. See ya! (Gasps) It's Gladys! Hide!
Gladys: Hey, Ted, I need a tire's worth of fruit. And scrape the mold off better this time. Some of the campers are getting "sick."
Interior. Maine General Store.
Gladys: So, how's your dad doing after the divorce? I called to express my sympathy and availability, (Chuckles) But he never called me back.
Ted: Yeah, uh, he wanted me to tell you that he died.
Gladys: Ooh, will your cute uncle be at your dad's funeral?
Ted: Uh, he's dead too. Yeah, it's going around.
Emma: Oh, Ted, thank you so much for not telling Gladys we're here.
Ted: I didn't do it for you. No! The septic tank's backed up. Grab a snorkel.
Zuri: Hey, look what we found in the storeroom!
Jorge: There's a whole bunch of them!
Zuri: All marked "$10"!
Ted: Uh-
Emma: Ugh, just our luck. The one we broke was $200!
Ted: Huh! Who'd have thought the one in the toilet paper would be the smart one.
Emma: Let's go.
Interior. Mess hall.
Tiffany: Well, I'm stuffed. Shall we dance? (Romantic music playing)
Ravi: Okay! I thought you and Sven were just going to play checkers.
Tiffany: Clearly, you've never played Norwegian checkers.
Ravi: Oh. Wait a minute! I am beginning to suspect Sven does not even exist!
Tiffany: Duh! Ravi, open your eyes! You and I are meant for each other. We both love science, we both hate sports. We both use jasmine hand lotion. It's clearly fate!
Ravi: It is not fate. You are too young for me.
Tiffany: Am not! Wasn't I able to choke down those sea boogers? That proves you and I belong together if and when my mother allows me to date.
Ravi: (Groans) No. You weigh more than five pounds! I need a spotter!
Lou: Tiffany, what are you doing?
Tiffany: I'm doing "whatever it takes" to show Ravi we belong together. Just like you told me.
Ravi: Wait, you told her to do this?
Lou: Absolutely not!
Tiffany: Did so! I don't want Ravi to be my Mordecai Thompson.
Lou: Please! Don't take me back to my dark place.
Ravi: Lou, I cannot believe you were a part of this!
Lou: I thought she was talking about a kid her own age! Never in a million years, would have imagined she had a crush on you. Solely because of the age difference.
Ravi: Tiffany, this is ridiculous. You are just a little girl!
Tiffany: (Sobs)
Ravi: I did not mean to make her cry.
Lou: Well, you did, Mordecai!
Ravi: Who is Mordecai? Chicks be crazy.
Exterior. Enterance to Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys: Timmy? Your parents still haven't picked you up? And people call me cold. (Chuckles) Well, see ya!
Xander We can beat Gladys back if we go through the woods this way!
Emma: (Gasps) Timmy, you're still here? Next time I see Gladys, I'm going to-
Gladys: One more thing-
Emma: Run! Go!
Gladys: Technically, you're still on camp property. So, for insurance reasons, I'm going to need you to move to the other side of the road. Have a good night.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Ravi: Tiffany, stop! You do not need to leave camp over me.
Tiffany: Don't flatter yourself. It's laundry day.
Ravi: Oh. Well, that was slightly embarrassing. Uh. (Sighs) You probably want this back.
Tiffany: (Chuckles) Slightly embarrassed beats totally humiliated. Why do you even want to talk to me? I thought I was just a "ridiculous little girl."
Ravi: You know what? I should never have said that. I'm extremely sorry.
Tiffany: Ravi, why don't you like me?
Ravi: I do like you. Very much, but just as a friend. Tiffany, you are an amazing young woman. You are smart, and sweet, and pretty and I have never seen anyone flip a flash card faster.
Tiffany: It's all in the wrist.
Ravi: And if I were your age, there is no one I would rather play Norwegian checkers with.
Tiffany: Really?
Ravi: Absolutely. And someday boys will be lining up at your door, If and when your mom allows you to date.
Tiffany: (Chuckles) Thanks, Ravi. So, do you think we can pretend this never happened and just go back to being friends?
Ravi: I would love that. Oh, uh, see you at book club in the mess hall tomorrow?
Tiffany: Absolutely. I'll save you a seat and you'll be needing this.
Ravi: (Gasps) I love you, I love you, I love you! I was talking to the cushion.
Tiffany: Yeah, I got that.
Exterior. Great lawn.
Xander: How did she beat us back?
Emma: Ah, she probably rode her broomstick.
Gladys: Bed check!
Emma: Let's trip her by using Zuri's headphones.
Xander: Phones! Sometimes great ideas just come to me.
Jorge: (Scoffs) King Tut Jones has got this.
Gladys: Ahh!
Xander: Now's our chance.
Gladys: Ow! The one day I choose not to wear my Senior-Alert bracelet! (Sighs) Some kid lost their headphones. I love when that happens.
Zuri: (Muffled) No!
Gladys: The new King Tut Jones, Mummy Detective! Looks like tonight I'll crack open his tomb. (Chuckles)
Jorge: (Muffled) No!
Zuri: We're really sorry that we snuck out of camp.
Jorge: Really sorry.
Zuri: And we'll never do it again.
Jorge: Never, ever.
Emma: (Sighs) Well, thank you for saying that. We really appreciate it.
Xander: Yeah, they're good kids. I'm glad they learned their lesson.
Jorge: Come on, Timmy.
Zuri: We're heading to town! I just hope you have money. Just kidding.

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