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Secret Santa
Exterior. The woods.
Zuri: Are you ready to admit it, Xander?
Xander: We are not lost. We're exploring.
Tiffany: For five hours?
Zuri: In complete circles?
Xander: I'd know exactly where we are if Jorge hadn't eaten our map.
Jorge: Again, I thought it was a candy wrapper.
Tiffany: Again, that doesn't explain it.
Zuri: Hey, look, a cabin. Maybe there's someone who can help us not die out here.
Tiffany: Wow, look at all these signs. "No trespassing."
Jorge: "Seriously, go away."
Zuri: "What are you still doing here?"
Xander: Guys, I can lead us back to camp. Trust me.
Zuri: (Snickers) You lost my trust four hours ago.
Jorge: (giggling)
Man: No one's home! Go away!
Jorge: Great, no one's home. Now what do we do?
Tiffany: Uh, sir, we were just hoping for some directions back to Camp Kikiwaka.
Zuri: Or Manhattan!
Main: Ugh, kids. That's it. I'm putting up a barbed wire fence.
Xander: Sorry for bothering you, sir. We'll go back to our fun exploring.
Zuri: We're hopelessly lost.
Tiffany: And in desperate need of water.
Jorge: With ice. And if you could throw in some fruit wedges, that'd be great.
Man: You can drink from the hose if you promise to get out of here. Your camp's that way.
Zuri: There's a 70-foot cliff over there.
Man: (Chuckles) So, you caught me. It's the other way.
Theme song.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Okay, remember, the wax cools quickly, so you have to apply it while it's warm.

Then press on the tearing paper, and gently pull away that unsightly leg fuzz. (Screams) That's the price of beauty, girls.

Lou: How are the girls doing with the candle making?
Emma: Candles? Right. Do not put that wax on your legs.
Ravi: Hey, ladies, notice anything different about me?
Emma: You got taller?
Ravi: No. Holding steady at five-foot-four. Okay, five-foot-three. But I was speaking of these gloves that Xander got me for the counselor-CIT gift exchange.
Emma: Oh, now you can hit a tetherball without bursting into tears.
Ravi: Exactly. And save my tears for when I lose.
Lou: I can't believe I forgot the gift exchange. It's how counselors and their CITs show their appreciation for each other.
Emma: Well, then let's do it. (Gasps) I know exactly what I'm getting you.
Lou: And so the gift really comes from the heart, I say we can't spend any money.
Emma: I have no idea what I'm getting you.
Exterior. The woods.
Xander: Okay, we're hydrated and we know where we're going. Let's head back to camp.
Tiffany: Wrong way, Magellan.
Jorge: Guys, I have to go to the bathroom.
Zuri: Pick a tree. Any tree.
Jorge: No way. I need privacy. I can't go unless I'm alone. In a locked room with the lights off.
Xander: That explains the mess in our cabin bathroom.
Jorge: I can't hold it. I have to ask that old man if I can use his potty.
Xander: Jorge.
Man: What now?
Jorge: I hope the light's off in your bathroom cause I'm goin' in.
Xander: I hate to intrude, but that's my camper. Mind if I wait for him inside?
Man: Fine, but he'd better not touch my decorative soaps.
Xander: It's Jorge. Your soap is safe. So New to the neighborhood? I can show you around.
Zuri: No, he can't.
Tiffany: What are you doing in these parts?
Man: Trying to avoid annoying children. It's not going very well.
Xander: Hurry it up, Jorge!
Man: Why are you staring at me, kid? What did you do in there?
Jorge: Nothing.
Xander: We'll be leaving now.
Zuri: The door's right behind you.
Xander: I know.
Jorge: Guys, I have something to tell you about that old man.
Zuri: Anything you learned about him in the bathroom, I do not want to know.
Jorge: He is Santa Claus.
Xander: What? See, Jorge, this is why we don't eat maps. That ink is messing with your brain.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Emma: Hey, Ravi, look what I'm making for Lou.
Ravi: A picture frame decorated with rocks. Why not just throw some ugly pine needles on it, while you are at it?
Emma: You don't think Lou will like it?
Ravi: Listen, this is between you and Lou. So, if you wish to give her that sloppy tchotchke, so be it.
Emma: Hmm. You are really good at giving presents. I mean, that personal makeup artist you got me is amazing. Oh. Thanks, Tania. I was feeling a tad shiny. Okay, so forget the frame. What should I give to Lou?
Ravi: Since you asked, as the gift master, I say, think more personal. Ask yourself, "What makes Lou, Lou?"
Emma: Well, she loves being a Woodchuck.
Ravi: That is it. You should get her a woodchuck. Ka-blam. Gift idea domination.
Emma: You really think Lou wants a live animal?
Ravi: Certainly more than a dead one. Trust me. Plus, I saw a woodchuck burrowing in the Great Lawn. Just catch it and slap a bow on it.
Emma: I hope you're right. I really want Lou to love it.
Ravi: Of course she will. When have I ever been wrong about a gift?
Emma: Hmm, what about that time you got Luke that giant dictionary? He just kept hitting you in the head with it.
Ravi: But he loved it. I saw him smiling right before I blacked out.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Jorge: You have to believe me. That guy is Santa Claus.
Zuri: If that miserable, kid-hater is Santa Claus, I'm one of his reindeer.
Jorge: I'm telling you. When I came out of the bathroom, I made a wrong turn and-
Xander: See? Everyone makes wrong turns.
Jorge: And I saw a really long list of names and addresses.
Tiffany: That's probably his address book. Old people write things down on paper.
Jorge: I also saw a Santa hat.
Zuri: So, what? I have a Yankee hat. That doesn't make me Derek Jeter.
Jorge: Okay, then explain the plate of cookies and glass of milk. Who, other than Santa, has cookies and milk in his bathroom?
Xander: You.
Jorge: Point taken. But that guy really is Santa.
Tiffany: Who cares? Santa hasn't given me one present in eleven years, because I never made it onto his "Had a Paper Published In an Ivy League Journal" list. What?
Zuri: I'm pretty sure his lists are just "Naughty" and "Nice."
Tiffany: Seriously? You mean, Santa holds me to a higher standard than everyone else? What a jerk.
Xander: Guys, I would love to believe that the real Santa is somewhere over that hill.

Or was it that hill? Either way, it's not him.

Zuri: Yeah. That old guy is just some loner who we'll probably have to describe in detail to detectives someday.
Jorge: Tiff, that is Santa. And tomorrow, I'm going back to his cabin to get off his Naughty list for good.
Tiffany: I'm coming with you to have a word with that elf-loving freak. He owes me presents for eleven years' worth of nice behavior. Out of my way, pipsqueak! Okay, ten years.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: Hey, Ravi. (Gasping) Did you just open that ginger ale all by yourself?
Ravi: (Chuckling) Yes. Why do you think I'm sweating?
Lou: Well, I'm off to go crush these petals to make perfume for Emma for the gift exchange.
Ravi: Perfume? (Scoffs) For Emma? Well, since it is none of my business, I will not mention that it is a horrible idea.
Lou: Why?
Ravi: She already has tons of perfumes. She even has two perfumes named after her, Emma no. 5 and Emma no. 7.
Lou: What happened to Emma no. 6?
Ravi: Testing did not go well. It did not harm the bunnies, but the children were not so lucky.
Lou: Good. I hate the thought of animals suffering. So, do you know what Emma would like?
Ravi: Since Emma can buy whatever she wants, you have to give her an experience. Why are you not writing this down?
Lou: An experience? Oh, like taking her to a pig race?
Ravi: Well, Emma is not big on pigs. She loves culture.
Lou: There's nothin' more cultured than a pig in a racin' bib.
Ravi: Yes, yes, there is. Like- Well, anything. I think you should perform an interpretive dance to slam poetry.
Lou: But I don't know about that stuff. I'm just a country girl.
Ravi: Then I will have to help you release your inner dancer, find your poetry voice, and lend you a leotard.
Lou: All righty, I'm in. Let's do this.
Ravi: (Gasping) High five! Oh, and since I'm wearing my gloves, feel free to really let loose.
Interior. Old Man's cabin.
Man: Hey! What are you doing in here? (Gasps) And why are you wearing my tie?
Jorge: I'm just here to tell you, I've been very good. Like yesterday, I ate half a carrot cake, so I'm making strides on the vegetable thing.
Man: Don't care.
Jorge: And I haven't farted on Ravi's pillow in weeks. Okay, days. So, I did it yesterday, but only because he wouldn't let me finish the carrot cake.
Man: Kid, you have problems.
Tiffany: Okay, my turn. All my life I've been overlooked on the present front. I'm sure it was some clerical error and I see no reason to get lawyers involved.
Man: Both of you quit your babbling, and march your butts off of my property!
Jorge: Come on, you can drop the act. We're big fans, Santa.
Man: What did you call me?
Tiffany: Sorry. Mr. Claus.
Man: What? Huh? I'm not Santa Claus. I'm just an old man whose patience is dwindling faster than his social security checks.
Tiffany: So much for being jolly.
Jorge: He must be crashing after all those cookies.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Ravi: Ah, I see the woodchuck hunt is on. Can I offer you a thickly-gloved hand?
Emma: No, thanks. It shouldn't take long To outsmart this pea-brained rodent. (Chuckles) (Thumps) (Squeaking) Oh, see? Piece of cake.
Ravi: Is it an invisible cake?
Emma: Darn it! Okay, so he got one carrot. I have a whole crate of carrots. (Ravi chuckles) (Woodchuck squeaking) Uh, chucked again.
Ravi: Pea-brained rodent, two. Pea-brained blonde, zero. (Chuckles) (Hissing) Emma, what are you doing?
Emma: I'm putting a garden snake into this hole to scare the woodchuck out of this hole. Ah! Who's the pea brain, now, wood-punk? (Hissing) (Screaming) Get it off! Get it off me!
Ravi: (Grunts) What Hey, that swing did not hurt at all.
Emma: Speak for yourself.
Ravi: Oh, what did the nurse say? (Shrieks)
Emma: Does my cheek really look that bad?
Ravi: Define bad.
Emma: Well, I guess Lou's not getting her present. That genius woodchuck kicked my butt.
Ravi: (Chittering) Well, that genius just walked into the cage.
Emma: (Chuckling) Ha! I own you, Chucky! (Hisses) (Gasps) I mean, we cool, we cool.
Interior. Old Man's cabin.
Jorge: If you're really not Santa, prove it.
Xander: Jorge, Tiffany, I told you to leave this poor man alone.
Man: I've been asking them to leave for three hours straight. Well, with a couple of cookie breaks.
Zuri: Yeah, sorry. We would have been here sooner, but, you know, this one.
Xander: I apologize, sir. For some strange reason, they've convinced themselves You're Santa claus.
Man: (Chuckles) Hey, if I had a magic sleigh, I'd be flying over Halle Berry's house.
Jorge: Come on, if you're really not Santa, explain all the cookies.
Man: So I don't always make the best dietary choices. Who are you, my cardiologist?
Jorge: Then you're really not Santa?
Man: No! So scram! Back to your camp! Better yet, take Mr. Carrot Cake all the way back to Denver, where he came from.
Jorge: Wait, how'd you know I'm from Denver?
Man: Uh You must have mentioned it in all of your yapping.
Tiffany: No, he didn't.
Xander: I didn't even know he was from Denver.
Zuri: Me, either.
Man: Any chance you'd believe it was a lucky guess?
Jorge: You knew because you are Santa Claus!
Man: Not exactly. I was Santa Claus. But not anymore. I'm done with Christmas.
Jorge: Santa, what do you mean you're done with Christmas?
Man: The world doesn't need me anymore. These days you go online, and with a click of a mouse, a delivery man in short pants drops a toy at your door.
Tiffany: We probably shouldn't mention the same-day delivery drones.
Zuri: I wouldn't.
Man: So kids can get toys without me flying around the world, busting my hump, defying the laws of physics.
Xander: But-
Man: But, nothing. My pulmonologist says I'm this close to black lung. So I'm done going down chimneys, and I'm done with this conversation. Now get out of here.
Xander: Come on, guys.
Man: And Xander, try using that compass I left under your tree three years ago.
Xander: I would, but I can't find it.
Zuri: I can't believe Santa has lost his Christmas spirit.
Xander: We have to do something.
Jorge: I know how we can help Santa.
Tiffany: Find him a dietitian?
Zuri: Introduce him to Halle Berry?
Jorge: No. Santa thinks he just brings presents, but he brings more than that, more than any delivery man can. And I know how to prove it to him, and save Christmas!
Tiffany: Great. Tell us on the way back to camp.
Xander: Yeah. And to guide us, we'll just follow the North Star.
Zuri: That's an airplane.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Emma: No need to help, Ravi. (Woodchuck chittering) I got it. (Woodchuck hissing)
Ravi: I would help, but I gave my gloves to Mrs. Kipling.
Emma: Why?
Ravi: Because she wanted them. So I had to choose between fingerless gloves or fingerless hands.
Emma: Where's Lou? I can't wait to give this woodchuck to her. (Woodchuck chittering and hissing) Listen, pal, if you don't cool it, Lou's getting a fur coat! (Woodchuck chittering)
Ravi: All in good time. Lou wants to give you her present first. I present to you a performance piece called Emma.
Lou: (Music playing) This sapphire-eyed personification of the aesthetic ideal the universe birthed upon us. Wind. Rain. Fire. Emma.
Emma: Ravi, what is she doing?
Lou: Giving you an experience You will never forget.
Emma: (Chuckles) I'll say.
Lou: Alien to these woods, she took like a fish to water. Like a bird to air. Like a flying fish to air or water. Before Emma, I was a tea pot. So short. So stout. Caught in a desperate spiral of hopelessness Oops! But then Emma.
Ravi: Profound, Lou! Absolutely breathtaking!
Lou: (Laughs) So, Emma, what'd you think of your gift?
Emma: I'm speechless.
Lou: Because you loved it so much?
Emma: Yeah, let's go with that. How about you open your gift?
Lou: (Gasps) Wow, you got me a cage With poop.
Emma: (Chuckles) No! There was a woodchuck in there making that poop. That was your present.
Lou: Oh, well, thank you, but I don't think that'd be the best thing to keep in the cabin. I mean, they have been known to carry rabies.
Emma: I should have just gone with that picture frame I was making you.
Ravi: (Scoffs) Lame.
Lou: I would've loved that. I was making a perfume for you.
Ravi: Lamer.
Lou: But Ravi said that you liked interpretive dance because you went to all of his shows.
Emma: I only went because Mom always bought me a diamond afterwards.
Lou: That is hurtful. I should channel my pain into a poem. I am out like the wind.

(Blabbering)

Emma: Lou, seeing how much work you put into that poem and dance, shows just how much you care about me. And that makes it a really great present. So, thank you.
Lou: (Gasps) And you chasing around a possibly rabid woodchuck means a lot to me. Thank you.
Well, I guess we've learned, sometimes the gift isn't really about the actual present.
Lou: And that we should never listen to Ravi.
Exterior. The woods.
Tiffany: Oh, no. Santa put up an electrified fence.
Xander: Don't worry, I have a plan. We just have to climb twenty feet up that tree, shimmy across that branch, then swing ourselves over the barbed wire.
Tiffany: Or, we could do this.
Xander: Okay, if you want to take all the fun out of it. All right, now we just have to scale that rain gutter, traverse the roof line, then slither down the chimney, while holding our breath. That way, we don't inhale any toxic carcinogens.
Jorge: Or, we could use the key under his "Go Away" mat.
Interior. Santa's cabin.
Man: It's not my problem you're all out of jobs. Can't you go make cookies and trees? Or get gigs as Oompa Loompas, or somethin'? Whoa. Presents? For me? But How?
All: Merry Christmas!
Man: You guys did this?
All: Yup.
Xander: It was all Jorge's idea.
Jorge: I realized you're the only one who has never felt the magic of Christmas morning.
Tiffany: Well, not the only one.
Zuri: So we wanted to give you the same special feeling you give us every year.
Xander: You were wrong. The world does need you.
Jorge: You're Santa. You don't just bring kids toys, you bring kids joy. No one else can do what you do.
Santa: Wow. I'm not used to kids showing me the meanin' of Christmas. Thank you.

(Laughing) Santa is back in the Santa business. (All cheering) And you guys are definitely at the top of the Nice list!

Tiffany: What about me? Will I finally be getting a present this year?
Santa: This year? I've given you presents every year.
Tiffany: You have? But I've never made it onto your "Had a Paper Published In an Ivy League Journal" list.
Santa: Yeah, that's not a thing. And your mother's on the Naughty List for lying to you and hiding your gifts.
Tiffany: Mother!
Santa: I just have one favor to ask you guys.
Jorge: Okay, okay. I'll stop farting on Ravi's pillow.
Santa: Not that, that's hilarious. Not a word about this to anyone.
Zuri: Because the whole cranky Santa thing would be bad for your rep?
Santa: That, and I don't want Mrs. Claus knowing I have a summer place.
Zuri: (Chuckles) Hey, what are you doing standing around talking? Open your dang presents.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Let's see. (LAUGHS) Ah. Eh, socks.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Who wants more popcorn?
All: I do! (Woodchuck chittering)
Emma: Dang, that woodchuck is good.
Lou: (Bells jingling) Hey, does anyone else hear sleigh bells?
Ravi: As a matter of fact, I do. From up there.
Emma: Oh. Did you guys just see that?
Lou: Was that what I thought it was?
Jorge: Yep, it was a shooting star.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho!
Zuri: With a sense of humor.

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