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Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. The counselors walked to the campfire carrying a stick.
Lou: Welcome, boy, girls, dinosaurs. We are here tonight to kick off Camp Kikiwaka's bestest tradition: the ceremony to choose the guardian of the spirit stick!
Hazel: Respect the stick people! Or I will take away your bathroom privileges and the woods will be your toilet.
Zuri: That'll be an upgrade.
Xander: Our founder, Jedediah Swearengen, whittled this sacred stick from an ancient pine that was struck by lighting.
Lou: As was Jedediah, whose wife left him shortly thereafter.
Ravi: Because he was hit by lighting?
Lou: No, he was emotionally distant.
Xander: Since then, we honor this stick out of respect to the woods and it's spirits. Because of this, the camp in and the forest had lived in harmony.
Emma: I guess the forest turns a blind eye to Gladys' daily raw sewage dump.
Xander: Guys, being the guardian of the stick gives you mad respect.
Lou: But if the guardian loses the stick, the woods spirits will flip out! And the guardian's entire cabin will be cursed with bad luck!
Emma: That's ridiculous, there's no such thing as bad luck.
Zuri: If that's true, how did I end up here?
Xander: And now, we will toss the stick into the air, and whoever touches it first will be the new spirit stick guardian!
Emma: Oh!
Lou: The stick has fallen, Emma Ross is the guardian.
Hazel: She cheated! She has giant man-shoulders.
Emma: [gasps]
Theme song.
Interior. Wood Chuck's cabin. Emma, Xander, Lou and Zuri are talking about the spirit stick.
Lou: Emma, you were lucky, when the stick chose me, it nailed me right in the mouth and I need to get a whole new set of teeth. Wanna hold em'?
Emma: Thank you, but no. I don't know why people are so excited about a stick.
Xander: Just once I wish the spirit stick would choose me.
Hazel: I choose you.
Zuri: Hazel, are you under the bed?
Hazel: I'm everywhere. Get use to it.
Xander: Hazel, we know your here to steal the spirit stick.
Lou: She does it every year so she can become the guardian.
Hazel: What? No, I'm just here for an impromptu under bunk inspection. And you failed, Emma. See you Xan, through your window.
Emma: Xander, you might want to invest on some curtains.
Zuri: And a taser.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. Ravi is sitting on a bench while Jorge walks up to him.
Jorge: Hey, Ravi. Let's go on the roof and drop water balloons at the girls!
Ravi: Sorry, I am not a big fan of water right now.
Jorge: You will be, once this bad boy splashes over Hazel's head. I'm betting she melts!
Ravi: While I do believe that Hazel is a witch, my problem is, in order to remain a Counselor in Training, I must be certified as a swim instructor. And my test is on Thursday.
Jorge: And your scared of Thurdays?
Ravi: No, of swimming. I never learned how!
Jorge: And they still let you be a CIT?
Ravi: Well, I may have fudged the paperwork, and by that I mean I dropped fudge on the "yes, I can swim" box.
Jorge: Dude, I can teach you how to swim. My abuela was a dolphin!
Ravi: I very much doubt that is true, but desperate calls fro desperate measures. Please teach me.
Jorge: You got it. And don't worry, lots of people can't swim. Like babies, and slightly older babies.
Interior. Grizzly's cabin. Emma is coming from the door.
Emma: Oh, hey Mrs. Kipling. Before you go to basketball, can I get your opinion on this not I write? Girl to girl? "Xander, your awesome and I want to make your dream of becoming the spirit stick guardian come true! XOXOXO, Emma" Your right. One too many XOs, don't wanna come down to strong!
Interior. The cafeteria. Jorge, Ravi, and Tiffany are in line.
Jorge: Here's the most important thing about learning to swim, you need to find the bathing suit that makes you look hot!
Tiffany: Okay, that is the craziest thing that you've ever said. And I once heard you ask what an apple is made of.
Ravi: Did you really ask that?
Jorge: Yes, I will keep asking until I get an answer!
Tiffany: I will teach you to swim. But you should always research something before you attempt it. So, let's hit the books!
Jorge: No, you should hit the water, with me.
Ravi: I don not care who teaches me, I just need to learn by Thursday.
Jorge: Who are you gonna trust? Miss I Know How to Read? or your best bud in the whole wide world?
Ravi: Yesterday you threw dirt in my oatmeal!
Jorge: I'm a complex guy!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. Lou and Zuri are walking together.
Lou: That's the last time that I ever play basketball with a lizard. Mrs. Kipling is such a sore loser.
Zuri: It's bad enough that she popped our ball, she didn't have to pee in our water bottles.
Emma: Guess what? I gave the spirit stick to Xander!
Lou and Zuri: [gasps]
Zuri: Oh, no you didn't!
Lou: Giving the stick away means you failed as guardian! Now all of Wood Chuck cabin is gonna be knee deep in bad luck!
Emma: That's not gonna happen. The only thing we are knee deep around here is pond scum and body odor.
Lou: And hormones. Check out that giant pimple on Zuri's nose!
Zuri: [gasps] What? I've never had a pimple before! Great Emma, you gave away the stick, and suddenly I can guide Santa's sleigh at night.
Emma: Look, Xander wants to be the guardian of the stick, and I want to be the guardian of Xander!
Zuri: Oh, I see how it is. Sticks before chicks.
Emma: You guys are just being superstitious. Bad luck it not real! Oh! [groans] That was just a coincidence. [bones cracking] A really painful coincidence.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. Ravi and Tiffany are studying.
Tiffany: So, let's review the assigned reading about swimming. The ideal rate of strokes per minute is?
Ravi: Uh, 60. Quick question, does frantically flailing your arms to flag down a lifeguard count as a stroke?
Tiffany: You'll be fine Ravi. And, no, it does not count. Here's something that might help you. Remember this mnemonic device. Breathe, acclimate, relax, focus.
Ravi: Oh, so the acronym would be...BARF?
Tiffany: Exactly. It's crude, but memorable. Now, before you even get in the water, you should be aware of the native flora and fauna of the lake. Most notably, the Northern Water Snakes.
Ravi: Snakes?
Tiffany: Don't worry, they will only bite you if you are swimming near them.
Ravi: How will I know if I am near them?
Tiffany: If they bite you.
Jorge: Okay, Tiffany, my turn to teach Ravi.
Tiffany: No! We're making progress here.
Jorge: Please, the closest that he is come to getting wet is when he lick his finger to turn the next page.
Tiffany: He's not ready to get in the water yet. We have to take baby steps.
Jorge: Exactly! Which is why I got this.
Ravi: Well this is embarrassing. On the other and, my swimming test is tomorrow. Quick question, which is the shallow end?
Jorge: Just jump in, big guy.
Ravi: Ha! This is not so bad. Wait, wait, what is that? [screaming] The snakes are biting! [screaming]
Jorge: [laughs] That's just the hose.
Interior. The cafeteria. Hazel is walking towards Emma.
Hazel: Hey Emma, I saw you get wiped out by that wakeboard. When I replay it in my head, it just gets better and better! [laughing]
Lou: We need to get that spirit stick back from Xander before anymore wakeboards take out the rest of us Wood Chucks.
Zuri: Yes, and before my pimple erupts like Mount Vesuvius and wipes out half of the camp.
Emma: [scoffs] For the last time, there's no such thing as bad luck. [gasping]
All: [gasping]
Zuri: Oh, I should of read this sign before I took it off the bench.
Emma: Okay, the bad luck is real. Let's get that stick back!
Zuri: Ooh. If you see that cute guys Duke from the Eagles cabin, just sit down and play it cool.
Interior. Grizzly's cabin. Emma is knocking the door from outside.
Emma: Xander, it's Emma! Are you there?
Xander: Oh, Emma. Hey. Thanks you much for the-[screams] That must of been one big bird.
Emma: Right it's blueberry bird poop.
Xander: Anyway, thanks so much for giving me this. Being the guardian is awesome. Do I look taller? I feel taller.
Emma: Yeah, about the stick...[thuds]
Emma, Lou & Zuri: [indistinct arguing]
Xander: Woah, woah, woah! Hey, hey, hey! What happened to you guys?
Lou: Bad luck happened. Because Emma gave you the spirit stick, we got bench butt.
Zuri: And my face looks like a pepperoni pizza!
Emma: I said I'd do the talking. [sighs] Xander, we would really appreciate it if you give the stick back.
Xander: But you gave it to me. With a nice note. Did you not mean all those XO's?
Emma: [gasping] Of course I did. I'll get you something else. Do you like baseball? I'll buy you season tickets, or a team!
Xander: You realize if I give the spirit stick back, then my cabin will have the bad luck?
Emma: Yes! So we're agreed. How do you feel about the Yankees?
All: [indistinct arguing]
Xander: No way... Absolutely nothing.
All: [screaming]
Lou: You know that we have to move in sync! Did you learn nothing in the bathroom?
Exterior. The lake. Ravi is trying to swim on a giant yoga ball.
Ravi: Look. I am swimming.
Tiffany: I think he's improving. Remember to synchronize your arms and legs. Like the book said. [chuckles]
Jorge: Your books were no help at all. That's why my motto is "never read"!
Tiffany: That explains so much about you.
Jorge: Hey! I know how to get him in the water. But we have to do something a little loco.
Tiffany: [gasps] Like sneaking out of the camp and going to the town library? I've been mapping that out since day one.
Jorge: No, we need to get physical.
Tiffany: I don't like you like that.
Jorge: I meant, if I pretend to get a cramp, Ravi will jump in, and swim to save me!
Tiffany: That is a horrible idea! I do not condone lying. Unless it is doctoring you age to get into the high school spelling bee.
Jorge: Step back! You're in the splash zone! Help! Ravi!
Ravi: Do not worry Jorge! I will save you. [thud] Ouch. [groaning] Good afternoon ladies!
Jorge: Don't worry, I'm okay.
Ravi: I am not. Could you paddle me over to the infirmary?
Interior. Grizzly's cabin. Emma, Lou, and Zuri are looking around for the spirit stick.
Lou: Xander's gonna be back soon. We've got to find the spirit stick!
Emma: Remember, they can't know that we were here, so don't disturb anything.
Zuri: What? Jorge's a slob! If anything, I'm making it look nicer.
Lou: Hey! I think I found the hiding place!
Emma: Nose hair remover, jock itch powder, wart remover? Oh, please let these not be Xander's.
Zuri: Argh! Where is that stupid spirit stick! We've looked everywhere! [door unlocking] [whines]
Xander: You know that I can see you all right?
Emma: Heya, slugger.
Xander: Hey, your trying to steal the spirit stick.
Emma: [scoffs] Well we wouldn't have to if you had given it back like a gentlemen.
Xander: It was a gift. What kind of person asks for a gift back.
Emma: Someone whose tush is full of splinters.
Zuri: Meanwhile, we haven't found it. Although, we found a lot of weird stuff in that whole in the wall.
Xander: You did? [chuckles nervously] Yeah, that stuff's Jorge's.
Emma: Oh, thank goodness.
Zuri: Mmm-hmm.
Lou: We even checked Jorge's dirty laundry. I can never unsmell that.
Xander: But I hid it in his laundry. It has to be there. It's not here!
Emma: Well, it we did1948n't find it, and you didn't move it. Then who has it?
Xander, Emma & Lou: Hazel.
Zuri: Duke. Sorry, I just can't get him out of my mind.
Exterior. Xander, Emma, Lou, and Zuri are finding Hazel.
Xander: I'm gonna get that stick.
Emma: No way.
Zuri: Get him!
Xander: I've had dreams like this, but I was much happier.
Hazel: Hey! Get off my man.
Emma: I don't want him, you can have him.
Zuri: Woah, woah, woah. Don't just give him away. Trade him for the spirit stick!
Hazel: If I had the stick. I wouldn't keep it a secret. I'd be waving it in front of your face going "nah, nah, nah, nah".
Zuri: Wow. I thought she was annoying before the "nah, nah, nah, nah".
Lou: Well if none of us have the stick we better figure out who it is or we are in a world of trouble.
Zuri: What happens if the spirit stick it completely lost?
Lou: The entire camp gets bad luck.
Hazel: The last time it happened was 1958. Poison ivy got into the food. The kids itched so bad, that they had to eat sandpaper to scratch their insides.
Emma & Zuri: [shuddering]

So, if we can't find the stick, that means that we are all cursed! Quick question. Where's the nearest bus stop?

Interior. Camp Kikiwaka. Ravi is rolling a ball on a pool table.
Jorge: I should be the one to talk to him. He looks up to me.
Tiffany: You mean down at you. On account of you being vertically challenged.
Jorge: Oh, you had to go there.
Both: [indistinct arguing]
Ravi: Guys, guys, guys, please do not fight. I know I let you both down. I'm not the Michael Phelps you thought I would be.
Jorge: Ravi, the only person that you're letting down is yourself. Wow, that was deep!
Ravi: As your CIT, I should be teaching you, not the other way around. I'm a failure on so many levels.
Tiffany: You are not. Ravi, you know everything you need to know to swim. You just need to jump in the water. And you almost did when you tried to save Jorge.
Ravi: But instead, I landed in a canoe, broke one oar, and at least two ribs. Neither of which were mine.
Jorge: Dude, you have to believe in yourself. Again, that was super deep! I am on fire!
Ravi: Perhaps you are right! I will do my darnest to pass that swimming test.
Tiffany: Great! Now go out there and BARF!
Ravi: I feel confident that it will happen one way or another.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. Emma, Xander, Lou, Zuri, and Hazel are meeting up from different directions.
Lou: Did you find the spirit stick?
Emma: No, just a horde of fire ants. Now the bad luck it biting.
Xander: I have bites in places that you don't want to imagine.
Hazel: I'll imagine.
Lou: We came up empty handed too.
Zuri: But we did run into a stampeding herd of moose. Meese? Mice? Nope.
Emma: So the spirit stick really is gone! We're doomed!
Lou: Did you feel that? The wood spirits know that we lost the stick and they are peeved. They're gonna have to shut down the camp!
Emma: I should of never given the stick away. This is all my fault.
Xander: No argument from me.
Emma: Uh, well technically Xander had it last. So it you really think about it, it is really all his fault.
Zuri: Who cares whose fault it is? We need to fix it! Underneath all these pimples, I am too cute to die.
Lou: She's right. And I have an idea, but it's crazier than...well Hazel.
Exterior. The woods.
Lou: Great wood spirits, we offer you these sacrifices in exchange for lifting the curse on Camp Kikiwaka. Please accept this frozen turkey dinner, that doesn't expire until-Okay, it expired last August, but you can appreciate the thought.
Emma: And I offer my favorite pair of shoes.
Zuri: I thought you hated those shoes.
Emma: [shushing]
Zuri: And I offer my favorite stack of cash. Bye-bye Benjamins.
Hazel: I offer my favorite hair doll made from locks of Xander's hair.
Xander: So that recurring nightmare I have of you cutting my hair is real?
Hazel: We have our best talks when you're asleep.
Lou: Maybe we should move on.
Xander: I offer my...good friend Jorge's wart remover.
Lou: Great wood spirits. We humbly beg your forgiveness. So we cool?
All: [screaming]
Zuri: I don't think we cool.
Emma: Please great wood spirits. Don't punish the rest of the campers just because I was a bad guardian!
Xander: No Emma, I was the bad guardian. I had the stick last. Punish me wood spirits!
Emma: [shrieks]
Hazel: Actually, you should just punish Emma. Drain her bank account and mess up her face.
Exterior. The lake. Ravi is preparing for his swim test.
Emma: Well, the wind has settled, the sky is blue...
Zuri: My pimple is gone. I do feel another one coming in, but it could just be puberty.
Lou: I think the sacrifices worked! I must have a real knack for performing ancient rituals.
Xander: Hey, your ready for your swim test bro?
Ravi: Absolutely! I am going to BARF.
Xander: No, dude, it's gonna be okay.
Tiffany: You got this Ravi.
Jorge: She's right. Now get out there, Tiger, and make us proud. And after, we'll go out for ice cream!
Ravi: Goodie! Okay, breath, acclimate, relax, focus.
Tiffany: Aww...he BARFed just like I taught him!
Jorge: And he jumped just like I taught him.
Ravi: I am doing it! I'm like a dolphin at the play!
Xander: Great Ravi, you're nailing the strokes! Now you just have to swim underwater.
Ravi: A piece of crab cake.
Jorge: Our baby's all grown up.
Tiffany: The next thing you know, he'll be going off to college.
Xander: He's been under there a while.
Lou: Maybe we were wrong, and the sacrifices didn't work!
Zuri: Because Emma sacrificed shoddy shoes!
Emma: Who cares about the shoes? We have to help Ravi!
Xander: Don't worry, I'll save him!
Hazel: Take off your shirt!
Emma: He's okay.
Lou: He's got the spirit stick!
All: [cheering and clapping]
Ravi: I had no idea that everyone was so invested in my swimming certification. Oh, it is about the stick.
Xander: You take it Emma, it was yours in the first place.
Emma: No, you take it. I gave it to you as a gift.
Hazel: I'll take it. Why are there teeth marks all over the stick? Emma?
Mrs. Kipling: [growling]
Hazel: [screams]
Lou: Oh, so it was Mrs. Kipling who took the stick out of Jorge's laundry bag.
Ravi: She does love to play fetch. Do not worry. I will retrieve it. I can swim! [thuds] [groans] Hello again.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. The campfire. The campers are sitting around the campfire.
Ravi: Jorge and Tiffany, thank you again for helping me pass my swim test.
Jorge: You're welcome. And I couldn't have done it alone.
Tiffany: I could have.
Emma: Camp Kikiwakans. As you know, I was chosen as this years spirit stick guardian.
Zuri: And she blew it.
Emma: Anyway...After everything that's happened, I think it would be best to keep the stick in the mess hall, so we can all be it's guardians.
Xander: Yeah.
Lou: Bestie, you really know how to get a crowd going. You put the "amp" in "camp".
Emma: Aw.
Xander: So, Emma, looks like we survived all the bad luck.
Emma: Yeah, we had some good luck too.
Hazel: Oh, don't mind me. You just have a little something on your shirt.
Emma: She's gonna make another hair doll.
Xander: Yeah, I got that.

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