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The Ones That Got Away
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys: Attention, campers! Today is the 97th Annual Camp Kikiwaka Fishing Contest! (All cheering) So hurry up and find yourself a partner. Something I wish I'd done years ago.
Tiffany: Wow, winning this contest would look great on my application!
Zuri: Your application for college, or for working at a bait and tackle shop?
Tiffany: Hey, the Ivy League wants to see that you're well-rounded. So right now, I'm all about that bass.
Gladys: The team that catches the biggest fish will be excused from chores for one whole week! (Cheering)
Ravi: Boo! I actually enjoy chores. Alphabetizing the Lost and Found items is the highlight of my day.
Gladys: If you find my hopes and dreams in there, let me know.
Lou: Hey, Ravi, do you want to come with me to get Big Whiskers?
Ravi: Yes! A thousand times, yes! I have tried every mustache-growing ointment known to man. Oh, this is not about facial hair, is it?
Lou: No. Big Whiskers is a catfish I've been trying to catch for eight years. Last time he got away, he took my finger with him!
Ravi: You still have five fingers.
Lou: I used to have six! He actually did me a favor. I can wear gloves now.
Ravi: It would be nice to win at a camp-related sport. Crushing the macrame tournament did not give me the street cred I had hoped for.
Xander: Hey, Emma, want to partner up for the competition?
Emma: Absolutely!
Xander: Great! (Chuckles) You ready to do some freshwater fishing?
Emma: Freshwater, sparkling water, you name it! I'll even throw in a twist of lime!
Xander: (Chuckles) Cool!
Emma: OMG! Xander just asked me out on a fishing date. We get to spend all day in a canoe together. It'll be so romantic! So, did you get a Mr. Right to partner with?
Lou: I teamed up with Ravi.
Emma: I am so sorry.
Theme song.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Tiffany Hey, Natalie. Will you be my fishing partner? I'll be your best friend! Will you if I promise not to be your best friend?
Zuri: Well, this is just sad. Hey, Tiffany, I'm going to make your day. I'll be your fishing partner.
Tiffany: I don't want to be your partner. You don't take anything seriously, and you only want to have fun.
Zuri: Exactly. I'm totally awesome.
Tiffany: Well, I'm going to find a partner that's not you!
Zuri: Well, I'm going to find a partner that's not you!
Tiffany: Fine.
Zuri: Fine. So, I guess we're partners.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka Cafeteria.
Murphy: (Snoring)
Gladys: Hey, Murphy.
Murphy: (Screams) (Grunts)
Gladys: I'm sorry, Murphy, I didn't mean to startle my handsome chef!
Murphy: Whoa, from that angle, you looked like a giant flounder I caught off Gosport Harbor.
Gladys: Was it graceful and colorful?
Murphy: No, it was scaly with a huge mouth.
Gladys: (Chuckles) Oh, you! You know, the fishing contest is today, which means we have the entire camp to ourselves.
Murphy: Geez, your left eye's flappin' like a top sail in a squall. Well, I better get back to work. This salmon I got for dinner ain't gonna rip its own guts out.
Gladys: You sure know how to talk to a woman.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Ravi: Before we begin, will you teach me how to use this fishing rod?
Lou: Absolutely! Here's your first lesson.
Ravi: Is the fish supposed to climb on shore and bite the hook? Because that is asking an awful lot.
Lou: Nope, we're going to fish the natural way.
Ravi: I refuse to take my clothes off.
Lou: I'm talking about hand fishing. My grandpa Clem taught me. We had so much fun. He would do a little happy dance with every fish he caught.
Ravi: Aww, he sounds adorable.
Lou: And then he'd wrap his hands around its neck, and watch the lights go out in its eyes.
Ravi: He sounds like he should be in a secure facility. Well, enough time wasted while our tootsies get all pruney. Time to catch that fish.
Lou: Oh, we're gonna catch him. He's close. (Sniffs) I can smell him. (Inhales deeply)
Ravi: (Inhales deeply) (Coughs) Are you sure that is big whiskers? Because I'm pretty sure this camp shares a property line with a crematorium.
Lou: I see him. (In sing-song voice) I spy with my little eye, a fish I will choke, and then watch die.
Ravi: Wow. You just took a joyful childhood game and turned it ugly.
Lou: Big Whiskers, welcome to my grip of death! I did it! I caught him! Big Whiskers is finally mine!
Ravi: (Chuckles) At least you caught a sole. Because it is a part of a shoe, and the name of a fish Samosa?
Lou: Just hand me a fly.
Ravi: Good idea. If we want to win this competition, we should- I did not see that coming. Why, may I ask, did you just eat a fly?
Lou: To know your enemy, you must be like him. Before last year's contest, I took a bath in tartar sauce.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Xander: Well, here we are. My lucky spot.
Emma: Because you bring all the girls here?
Xander: Well, yeah, if they want to catch a fish. So, what kind of lure do you like to use?
Emma: I don't know, maybe a crop top and a little extra lipstick. (Gasps) I can't believe you just chopped that poor worm in half.
Xander: What's the big deal? He's about to get eaten, so it's a bad day for him either way. Here. Put it on your hook.
Emma: I don't know if I'm talking to your front or your back, but I'm extremely sorry about this.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Zuri: I can't believe we wasted two whole hours, and we didn't catch one fish!
Tiffany: We have to win! Harvard is not interested in a runner-up. Like my mom says, second place is first loser!
Zuri: Wow, family game night at your house must be fun.
Tiffany: I wouldn't call it "fun" so much as "a way to earn dessert and Mom's love."
Zuri: You know what they say. If at first you don't succeed Try, try again. No. Cheat.
Tiffany: Cheat? Absolutely not! I could never cheat!
Zuri: Look, Tiffany, your mom wants you to win, no matter what it takes, right?
Tiffany: That's what it says on our doormat.
Zuri: Well, at this point, cheating is what it takes. Your mom basically wants you to cheat.
Tiffany: You really think so?
Zuri: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Okay, I'll do it. Let's cheat! Wow, this is going to be more exciting than the time I read Great Expectations and skipped the prologue!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: So, Xander. In your spare time, what do you like to do for fun?
Xander: Fish.
Emma: I can see why. Fishing is totes exciting.
Xander: Actually, we should probably stop talking. It tends to scare away the fish.
Emma: Right. No talking.
Xander: Wow, that looks delicious! The bass are gonna love it!
Emma: (Gasps) That was for you!
Xander: Thanks, but I'm sticking with worms. Can you hand me another one?
Emma: Nope. I kind of let them go.
Xander: (Chuckles) Why would you do that?
Emma: Because they seemed so sad!
Xander: How can you tell if worms are sad?
Emma: I don't know, but I would be, if I'd just watched my friends get chopped in half. Maybe you'd care about them more if you knew their names.
Xander: You named the bait?
Emma: Not all of it! Just Willie and Waldo. And Wilma, Wendell, Wanda Aw, she's a nut.
Xander: Listen, if you don't like fishing, why'd you agree to be my partner?
Emma: Because I wanted to spend time with you. You know, just the two of us on a lake together all day. But all you wanna do is fish.
Xander: Well, it is a fishing competition.
Emma: Well, I don't like fishing.
Xander: So? There's lots of things you like that I don't. Like fashion and shopping and, you know, reading magazines about fashion and shopping.
Emma: You just described my perfect weekend! Well, there must be something we both like to do.
Xander: How 'bout hiking?
Emma: Only if I can't catch a cab.
Xander: Rock climbing?
Emma: And risk breaking a nail? No way.
Xander: Ooh, you know what I really like? Spelunking!
Emma: (Gasps) That's disgusting!
Xander: It means exploring caves! You know, I wasn't going to tell you this, but those worms you "saved" by throwing them overboard? They can't swim!
Emma: What? Wanda!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: Here fishy, fishy. Here fishy, fishy. Gotcha, punk! (Screams) Big Whiskers, why won't you let me choke you out?
Ravi: Mmm. (Chuckles) On the bright side, you have collected enough items to make a lovely rummage sale.
Lou: I know you're down there, Big Whiskers. Laughing at me. Well, I can laugh, too! (Laughing)
Ravi: Maybe we should take a little break. Because this fish has clearly broken you.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka Cafeteria.
Tiffany: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Zuri: Stealing this fish is the best idea. Like Faith Hill and Miranda Lambert performing a duet together.
Tiffany: I hate country music.
Zuri: (Gasps) You take that back!
Gladys: Hey, Murphy, if you want to try an olive oil rub on something, I've got a couple of suggestions.
Murphy: Thanks, but I'm really busy right now. I've got to, uh, wash my apron.
Gladys: But you just washed it this morning.
Murphy: I know. I'm trying to boost that "D" rating from the Health Department Up to a solid "c". (Sniffs) Fingers crossed.
Gladys: Well, you get an "A" from me, big boy.
Murphy: Yeesh! Let it go! I've seen lobster claws that are less clingy.
Zuri: And I thought carrying this slimy fish would be the grossest part of my day.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: (Sighs) I can't believe I spent the whole day out here with you, just to find out we have nothing in common.
Xander: We have a few things in common. We're both at camp, we're both on a boat, we both miss those worms.
Emma: Xander, this is serious. If we're going to start a relationship together, we should get to know each other more. I'll start. My dream is to open a design house in Paris.
Xander: That's cool. I want to open my own guitar shop.
Emma: You mean you'll start with that, then you'll open your own music label and eventually build a music empire?
Xander: Nope. Just one shop right here in Maine, with me behind the counter.
Emma: But I'm going to be based in New York. That'd be weird if my husband didn't live there with me. I mean, the neighbors will talk.
Xander: Husband? The only date we've been on, you thought I was going to murder you.
Emma: Oh, that was such a cute misunderstanding. I was going to tell that story at our wedding.
Xander: (Chuckles) Oh, well then we'd better book a caterer and a DJ.
Emma: We are having a live band!
Xander: You know, I think it's time I row you back to shore. And reality.
Emma: Fine! Who knew the worms would have a better day than me!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys and Emma: (Both sigh) Both: Men.
Gladys: They're the scum of the Earth.
Emma: Tell me about it, sister.
Gladys: I've got a thing for this guy, and for some reason he doesn't like me back.
Emma: What?
Gladys: I know. It's weird, because he's no great shakes himself.
Emma: Well, I just found out I have nothing in common with my guy. Today I went fishing with him, and I hated it.
Gladys: Wow, I don't know what you're gonna do about that. Oh, I know, don't fish with him!
Emma: It's not just that. I mean, we like each other now, but we want different things in the future. His only goal in life is to sell guitars.
Gladys: It could be worse. I once dated a guy who sold horse meat to camps. (Gasps) Not this camp. Look, don't worry about the future. If you like him, go for it.
Emma: Maybe I should go talk to him.
Gladys: Yes! Do it now, before your wrinkles have wrinkles, and the only guy in your life is some idiot on an infomercial trying to sell you a salad spinner that doesn't work worth a hoot. Trust me, you don't want to end up old and alone with wet lettuce.
Emma: Jeez, she really takes the "glad" out of "Glad-ys."
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Tiffany: I hate this cheating stuff. It's giving me indigestion.
Zuri: Relax. A bunch of spiders probably just crawled in your mouth last night.
Tiffany: That can happen? How would I know?
Zuri: You'll start burping up webs. Gladys is coming. Help me with the fish. Look, Gladys! We caught a fish! Caught it from this here lake.
Tiffany: Yes. And the fact that we pulled it out of the lake is empirical evidence to support that!
Gladys: Wow! Great job, girls. Everyone's reeling in a big catch except me.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: That's it. I give up. I gave that fish the best years of my life. And it was all for nothing!
Ravi: Lou, here is some advice from someone who knows quite a bit about failure. Perhaps catching the fish is not what is most important. Maybe the quest is what matters most.
Lou: Nope. Really wanted to catch that fish.
Ravi: Oh! Maybe a snack would cheer you up.
Lou: Fly? No more flies for me. I don't deserve them. I'll just take a samosa.
Ravi: (Softly) Here.
Lou: (Dunking) Big Whiskers! I need help.
Ravi: Oh.
Lou: (Groans) I did it! I finally got him! In your fish face, Big Whiskers!
Ravi: You won! You finally bested your nemesis!
Lou: You're right. I did.
Ravi: I won. Aw Why Why in the catfish crackers did you do that?
Lou: Well, I just realized I've had a lot of fun chasing Big Whiskers over the years.

Like you said, it's the quest that matters.

Ravi: Who cares about the stinking quest? I was going to win a non-math-related contest! That bottom-feeder was my ticket to the top.
Lou: Ravi, it was the right thing to do.
Ravi: I guess so.
Lou: Who knew samosas were his favorite snack? All these years I've been eating flies for nothin'.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Still trying for that bass, huh?
Xander: Yep, but I got some new bait. Please don't free it.
Emma: Look, Xander. We need to talk. I'm really sorry about-
Xander: Hey! I got a bite! That's got to be a two-footer. Quick! Get it in the bucket.
Emma: We did it! So about what I was going to say earlier-
Xander: You don't have to say it. I've been thinking, too, and you're right.
Emma: I am?
Xander: Well, yeah. We don't have much in common. If we started dating, we probably wouldn't have much of a future. So, I guess we should just be friends.
Emma: Oh.
Xander: That is what you were going to say, right?
Emma: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say.
Xander: (Chuckles) Great. The first thing we agreed on all day. So, we're buds?
Emma: Sure, buds. I'll see ya later.
Xander: (Sighs) Well, I guess there's plenty of other fish in the sea, right? Not that you'll ever see 'em.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Murphy: Hey, Xander.
Xander: Hey, Murph. Whatcha up to?
Murphy: Oh, just taking out the trash. Oh, don't be upset. The bears will sort through that.
Xander: It's not your blatant disregard for camp safety that's bothering me. It's Emma. I told her I was cool with just being friends, because that's what she wants.
Murphy: Mmm. But it's not what you want?
Xander: No. Do you have any advice for me?
Murphy: Yes. Don't ever eat the meat here.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys: Attention, campers! Time to announce the winner of the Camp Kikiwaka Fishing Contest! (All cheering)
Zuri: We've got this contest won. We have the best catch.
Emma: I had a great catch, too, but I lost him. He had big green eyes, and a huge smile, and could play guitar like an angel.
Ravi: Wow, what kind of mutant fish are in that lake?
Gladys: And now the moment you've all been waiting for. I don't give a flying fish who wins this competition, because I'm going to die alone and sad with no one to love me. Great, now I don't even remember what I was talking about. Oh, right, the competition. Tiffany and Zuri, you won. Whoopie.
Zuri: We won!
Tiffany: Yes!
Gladys: Why don't the winners come over for a photo op with the prize-winning catch? Prints will be available for purchase for $19.95.
Campers: (All gasp)
Zuri: Wow. This fish is so thoughtful. It stuffed itself!
Gladys: You both cheated!
Tiffany: We're so sorry, Gladys! Please, please, don't tell my mom!
Gladys: I was just going to disqualify you. But calling your mom is a better idea. Thanks!
Tiffany: No!
Zuri: Gladys, please. It was my idea to cheat. If you're going to tell someone's mom, tell mine.
Gladys: Well, it's no fun if you want me to do it. You're both disqualified and punished.
Tiffany and Zuri: Yay!
Gladys: You guys are weirdos.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka Cafeteria.
Murphy: Hey, Gladys.
Gladys: Mmm-hmm.
Murphy: I wanted to apologize for being so hard on ya. I understand you couldn't help yourself, being around a wicked, handsome hunk of lobster meat like me.
Gladys: I appreciate that, but you're right. We're coworkers. We should probably just keep this professional.
Murphy: Well, I was thinking maybe we could make it a little unprofessional.
Gladys: Really? Because if you're serious, I didn't mean a word of what I just said.
Murphy: Yeah. I mean, after all, you are female-
Gladys: Hmm.
Murphy: I do like that in a woman. So, what the heck. I could do worse.
Gladys: Murphy, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me!
Tiffany: Ugh! This is the worst punishment ever.
Zuri: Who puts spaghetti in the recycling bin? People need to follow the rules! Yeah, I heard it.

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