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There's No Place Like Camp
Interior. Mess hall.
Gladys: Ladies, great news!
Lou: You finally got rid of the water rats in the lake?
Gladys: Why would I want to do that? They eat all the garbage. The news is: my boyfriend just asked me to marry him!
Tiffany: You're engaged?
Zuri: Someone likes you?
Emma: There are rats in the lake?
Gladys: I met him last night online, at my favorite dating site, Desperately Seeking Anyone. And the best news is, he's a Nigerian prince! Don't be jealous!
Lou: Gladys, the Nigerian prince thing is a well-known online scam.
Gladys: Not true! My beloved, Prince Mutumbo, is giving me the largest diamond from the crown jewels for my wedding ring.
Zuri: Let me guess, he just needs you to send him a few hundred dollars to help with the shipping cost?
Gladys: No! A few thousand.
Emma: That's a lot of bubble wrap.
Gladys: Oh, and since I'm out of cash, I laid off the entire kitchen staff, so your cabin has to cook for the whole camp.
Zuri: Why us?
Lou: Obviously, because she trusts us Woodchucks!
Gladys: No, you're just the first people I ran into. BTW, the fly swatters make great spatulas.
Theme song.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Jorge: Aw, look, Mrs. Kipling, my little sister got a pony pinata for her birthday party.
Mrs. Kipling: (Growls)
Jorge: I really miss my family.
Mrs. Kipling: (Growling)
Jorge: I can't tell the guys I'm homesick. They'll think I'm a baby.(Blowing nose)
Ravi: I cannot believe you just launched snot rocket into my T-shirt!
Jorge: I can't use any of mine. They're all dirty!
Xander: He's got a point. So, Jorge, you want to go zip-lining? They finally put a brake system on that thing.
Ravi: It beats slamming into that boulder. Although, it did knock out that troublesome wisdom tooth.
Jorge: Thanks, guys, but I'm not in the mood. I'm just gonna go brush my teeth.
Xander: But- He's brushing his teeth. He hasn't done that since-Ever!
Ravi: I am surprised he still has teeth.
Xander: Dude, is something going on?
Jorge: I can't talk with toothpaste in my mouth.
Ravi: Then spit!
Jorge: Oh.
Xander: Dude, not on my shoes! I guess I should be grateful he wasn't going to the bathroom.
Ravi: Jorge, if you are having a problem, you can tell us.
Jorge: It's nothing.
Xander: Dude, it's okay. I've been a counselor for a long time, and I've heard everything.
Jorge: Okay, fine! The truth is, I'm- Scared of goats!
Xander: Except that.
Jorge: Those goats at the camp petting zoo totally freak me out, with their beady eyes and pointy horns. They're like tiny, furry demons!
Xander: So are the kids in Badger cabin, but you don't run away from them.
Ravi: Actually, Xander, the fear of goats is quite common.
Both: It is?
Ravi: Absolutely. There are many forms of zoophobia. I myself am terrified of jumbo shrimp. Even their name is a lie!
Xander: Well, that sure makes the goat thing seem less weird.
Interior. Mess hall.
Tiffany: Guys, these campers are crazy hungry! It's like a zombie apocalypse out there!
Lou: They're about to use a kayak as a battering ram!
Tiffany: Isn't the pizza ready yet?
Zuri: It's ready to do something, all right. It's gonna blow! Run!
Lou: Emma, did you by any chance put all of this baking powder in the dough?
Emma: Of course, because we were baking the pizza. Duh.
Lou: Okay, teaching moment. A little baking powder makes things rise. A lot of baking powder makes things go boom!
Emma: Oh, please The next thing you're going to tell me is that I shouldn't have put those cans in the microwave.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Jorge: and I really, really miss you guys. Hey, Mrs. Kipling, how many S's in "miss"? Five it is.
Xander: Dude, you just missed a giant pizza explosion! You can't just sit around here all day because you're afraid of goats.
Jorge: They're out there.
Xander: So, Ravi and I came up with a way to help you get over your fear. Hey, bring in Gilbert Goatfried.
Goat: (Bleating)
Ravi: Oh. Do not be scared, Jorge.
Goat: (Bleating)
Jorge: He's so cute! I mean- Cute in a terrifying way. That's probably how he lures in his victims.
Xander: I promise you, he's harmless.
Ravi: Unless you try to put a leash on him. In which case, you will get an ankle biting you will not soon forget.
Goat: (Bleating)
Jorge: Aw, he's just a baby. Shouldn't he be with his mommy?
Ravi: No, once a baby goat is a couple of months old, it does not need its mommy anymore. Although, Gilbert still needs to learn some manners.
Goat: (Bleating)
Jorge: Being without his family must make him sad.
Xander: I think it also makes him hungry.
Ravi: Hey, these are my favorite pants!
Goat: (Bleating)
Ravi: If I were not a vegetarian, I would straight up kaBob you.
Jorge: Don't you talk to him like that! He's going through a lot right now!
Xander: Jorge's cured! Our plan worked.
Ravi: Indeed. How fortunate that we are psychologically intuitive, and had access to a goat!
Jorge: I know, little buddy. You miss your family. And you know what? So do I. We need to figure out a way for us to go home.
Goat: (Bleating)
Jorge: And if you need to go potty, do it in Ravi's bed. He's the one who wanted to kaBob you.
Goat: (Bleating)
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Jorge: Hey, Gladys.
Gladys: Not now, kid. I'm registering for my wedding gifts.
Jorge: Listen, you may have noticed I've seemed a little down lately-
Gladys: Nope. I notice your parents' checks clearing, and I stop there.

(Gasping) Do you like this gravy boat?

Jorge: Gladys, I'm trying to tell you I'm not happy here.
Gladys: Well, for once I am! So quit harshing my wedding buzz!
Jorge: But I want to go home.
Gladys: Sorry, I have two rules. I don't give refunds, and I don't tell the health inspector my real name.
Jorge: Well, do kids ever get kicked out of camp?
Gladys: Only if they get in a lot of trouble. Oh, sterling silver sporks!
Jorge: (Gasping) Trouble, huh? Trouble's my middle name.
Gladys: Hey, Trouble, check out this fondue pot. Doesn't that just scream Nigerian royalty? Oh.
Jorge: Glad, I'm not going to that wedding.
Gladys: You're not invited!
Exterior. The Spot.
Lou: All right, Woodchucks, just because the entire kitchen blew up
Zuri: (Coughs) Emma.
Lou: Which destroyed all the food-
Tiffany: (Coughs) Emma.
Lou: So each cabin has been left to fend for themselves.
Emma: I know, I know. (Coughs) Emma.
Lou: Doesn't mean we'll never eat again.
Emma: All we have to do is find a kale salad with a fig balsamic reduction tree.
Lou: It's a good thing you city girls are pretty.
Tiffany: I think our best bet is to head to the lake and catch some fish.
Zuri: No way. Jorge's been spending a lot of time in the lake lately, and I'd rather starve than eat fart fish!
Lou: Guys, we've got all the food we need right here in the forest. Mother Nature provides for all! Except for you, Bobcat cabin! Beat it!
Tiffany: Okay, but we should be cautious before we ingest any wild fruits or plants. Many are poisonous and could kill you.
Zuri: You know what else could kill you? Starving.
Lou: Lucky for you guys, you're with a wilderness expert. I know these woods like the back of my hand. Where did that scar come from?
Emma: That's a birthmark.
Lou: Oh, right. Now Let us be one with nature, and the food will find us. Hmm, these leaves feel like they're exfoliating my skin. It's kinda tingly.
Tiffany: Lou, these are diablo leaves! They're poisonous. They cause fever-
Lou: Ooh, I'm hot!
Tiffany: Fatigue-
Lou: (Yawns) And super tired-
Tiffany: And one more thing-
Lou: (Screams) A fire breathing dragon! (Screaming)
Tiffany: Oh, yeah, delusions!
Interior. Mess hall.
Ravi: I am so glad we were able to help Jorge overcome his fear of goats.
Xander: Yep, helping kids is the best part about being a counselor. Well, that, and watching cute CITs jump on the water trampoline.
Ravi: (Chortles) I do get some serious air on that bad boy.
Xander: I meant your sister.
Ravi: So, shall I break? (Engine revving) (Crashing) (Kids gasping)
Xander: Jorge! The lake is over there!
Jorge: Oh, yeah. Oops.
Ravi: First you are scared of a goat, and then, you wreck a boat? What, are you acting out or writing a children's book?
Xander: We have to clean this up right now. If Gladys sees it, she'll have a cow! Oh, great, now I'm doing it!
Ravi: Xander is right. You do not want Gladys to send you home, do you?
Jorge: Of course not! But how else will I learn my lesson?
Xander: Here's how. You will spend the rest of the day in our cabin, mister!
Ravi: Um, he ate two bowls of chili for breakfast.
Xander: You will spend the rest of the day in the girls' cabin, mister!
Exterior. The Spot.
Tiffany: Hey, guys. I just took Lou to the infirmary and we lost her.
Zuri: (Gasping) She's dead?
Emma: (Shrieking) I didn't even get to say goodbye!
Tiffany: (Chuckling) No, I mean she just ran off into the woods. But I'm sure by now she'll be back to normal.
Lou: (Inhaling) Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Look at me! I'm riding a dragon!
Tiffany: Or not.
Lou: Whoa, boy! Whoa! Who's my fire-breathing buddy? Who lays waste to entire villages? You do, yes, you do! Yes, you do! Yeah.
Emma: Lou, there is no dragon.
Lou: (Screams) Forest nymph! So tired.
Emma: That was odd.
Tiffany: She thought I was a leprechaun. She kept demanding that I take her to my pot of gold.
Emma: Well, obviously, Lou's not going to be much help. But I can set a snare trap!
Tiffany: You know how to do that?
Emma: We have two brothers. It's the only way we kept them out of our slumber parties.
Zuri: Great, so let's build this trap! At this point, I'd eat anything.
Lou: Oh, no, no, no. You're not gonna eat my dragon! Fly, Seymour, fly! Fly.
Tiffany: Should we go after her?
Zuri: Eh, she'll be fine. She has a dragon.
Emma: Done. Okay, now let's hide behind those bushes and wait for dinner to come to us.
Zuri: I hope it's orange chicken.
Tiffany: (Rustling) I hear something!
Zuri: Whatever it is, I call drumstick! (Rustling) (Moaning)
Tiffany: Sounds like we caught a moose! Yay! That's good.
Zuri: Although, I'd rather have chocolate mousse.
Tiffany: Actually, we caught a Lou. Is there a permit for that?
Emma: OMG! Lou, are you okay?
Lou: Hey, tall, bark, and handsome. You live around here? (Shushing) Quiet, Seymour, Mommy's talking.
Zuri: Well, I think we know what we need to do with Lou- Season her up, and toss her on the grill. What? I'm extremely hungry.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Ravi: I cannot believe Jorge drove a boat onto the lawn.
Xander: I can't believe you didn't help me move it back to the lake.
Ravi: I did help. I cheered you on, and reminded you to lift with your legs!
Xander: Jorge, we need to talk Oh, no! He's gone. And so is his stuff.
Ravi: Perhaps he has just decided to tidy up! Oh, who am I kidding? He has run away, like girls do from me during prom week.
Xander: He left a note. "Thanks, guys. I'll miss you." Ravi, I finally cleaned my hair out of the shower drain. (Scoffs) "I left it by your toothbrush, "so you'll remember me. (Gags) "Love, Jorge."
Ravi: I am simultaneously touched and revolted.
Xander: We have to go find him!
Ravi: Absolutely! And perhaps stop to buy a new toothbrush.
Exterior. The woods.
Jorge: If the bus driver asks any questions, you're just a weird-looking dog.
Goat: (Bleating)
Ravi: (Gasping) Jorge, thank the gods! We have been looking everywhere for you.
Xander: Dude, we were worried sick! Ravi almost threw up.
Ravi: That was from the running.
Xander: Jorge, why did you run away?
Jorge: Uh-
Goat: (Bleating)
Jorge: I wanted to take Gilbert back to his family. He's homesick.
Goat: (Bleating)
Xander: Oh, so that's what this whole thing has been about. You're homesick!
Jorge: Am not!
Xander: Dude, why didn't you just tell us the truth?
Jorge: Because I was embarrassed. I didn't want you to think I was wimpy.
Xander: Have you met Ravi? He's scared of shrimp!
Ravi: Just the jumbos. They are the bullies of the shrimp world. Jorge- Why did you suddenly become homesick?
Jorge: Because my family beat a horse, and I wasn't there to help them!
Ravi: Maybe I should hold the goat.
Jorge: I meant a pinata. It was for my sister's second birthday, and seeing all the pictures made me realize how much I miss my family.
Ravi: Aww, I know just how you feel. I miss my brother, Luke. He is at summer school, and once he learns to write, I hope I get a letter.
Jorge: I really miss our family dinners. My grandma and mom cook for hours, and my grandpa and dad complain about how long it's taking.
Xander: Jorge, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody gets homesick.
Ravi: Indeed. In fact, Xander told me that he cried for three weeks when he first got to camp.
Xander: Hey, I told you that in confidence!
Ravi: Oh. Well, you should not have. I am a real blabber-mouth. By the way, Zuri still sleeps with a night-light. But you did not hear that from me.
Xander: I'll tell you what, Jorge. Come back to camp with us. Give us one chance to convince you to stay. Then if you still want to go home tomorrow, I'll pay for your ticket home.
Goat: (Bleating)
Xander: (Chuckles) And Gilbert's.
Jorge: Well- Maybe I could stay one more night.
Xander: Great! Now let's get back to camp.
Ravi: Wha- Can we please take the bus back?
Xander: Nope. Because a bus hasn't stopped here in 20 years.
Goat: (Bleating)
Ravi: Can I ride the goat?
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Emma: Okay, this dinner will be great! Think of it as surf-and-turf. Without the surf. And with real turf.
Lou: Psst, Emma, don't move. There's a garden gnome on your back (Gasps) And it looks angry. Got it! (Gasping) It's on my throat! (Choking)
Emma: On the bright side, she's no longer seeing the dragon.
Lou: (Thudding) Ow. (Gasps) (Lou grunting)
Tiffany: Wow! I can't believe she's wrestling an imaginary gnome.
Lou: (Thudding) Ow.
Zuri: I can't believe she's losing.
Lou: (Thudding) Ow.
Tiffany: Yeah, you think she'd have the upper hand, being real and all.
All: Oh!
Zuri: That had to hurt.
Xander: Why did Lou just fall into the fire pit?
Zuri: Because gnomes fight dirty.
Xander: Anyway, Jorge's a little homesick. Do you guys think you could help us make a special dinner for him tonight?
Emma: We can try, but we're a little low on supplies since we blew up the kitchen.
Both: (Coughing) Emma.
Tiffany: All we've got is what we found in the woods. Do you guys have anything we can eat?
Xander: Well, we do have one thing (Goat bleating) But I don't think it would go over well with Jorge. Although, I know something he really would love.
Emma: (Exhales) Are you sure this is going to make Jorge happy?
Xander: It better, or we shaved all those sheep in the petting zoo for nothing.
Jorge: (Knocking on door) Hey, guys-
Xander: Welcome to dinner with your family- Son!
Emma: Welcome home, Jorge! I hope you wiped your shoes on the mat.
Jorge: What the hair is going on here?
Xander: We know how much you missed family dinner, so we decided to recreate it for you.
Zuri: Well, if it isn't our little grandbaby! He's such a handsome young man!
Ravi: (Coughs) He takes after me!
Zuri: Luckily, he didn't get your nose hair. It's like snakes comin' out of there!
Ravi: Hey!
Jorge: If you guys are supposed to be my family, where's my baby sister?
Tiffany: This is humiliating.
Xander: You know, you could try and sell it a little more.
Tiffany: Sorry. This is humiliating, wah-wah-goo-goo. Better?
Emma: Have a seat, everyone. Dinner's almost ready! Don't slouch, dear.

Posture.

Tiffany: I feel like an idiot!
Xander: (Clears throat)
Tiffany: I mean, I just made a boom boom.
Xander: So, what's for dinner, dear?
Emma: Forest stew, sweetie.
Ravi: Chuckles nervously) When is it going to be ready? I would like to eat before I am in the grave.
Zuri: One more complaint, and I'll put you there!
Ravi: Good! Then, I would finally get some peace and quiet!
Xander: (Chuckles nervously) Dear, this was supposed to be a very special dinner for Jorge. Is this really the best you could do?
Emma: Yes, honey. (Chuckles nervously) It's not like there are any wild hamburgers growing out in the woods.
Zuri: In my day, we ate what was put on our plate, or we didn't eat!
Ravi: How could you eat at all with your gums flapping worse than the skin under your arms? Ow! You filled that with hard candies!
Xander: Look, Emma, all I'm saying is that this looks like a tree threw up!
Emma: Easy to complain about a meal when you didn't cook it!
All: (Clamoring)
Jorge: Everyone, stop!
Xander: I'm sorry, Jorge. We really messed up your family dinner.
Ravi: Yes, our attempt to give you a taste of home has failed miserably.
Jorge: What are you talking about? This is just like home!
All: It is?
Jorge: Yeah, the food is terrible, like my mom's cooking. My grandma's hitting my grandpa. And everyone's arguing, just like my family! All that's missing is my kooky Aunt Rosa.
Lou: Seymour the dragon ate the gnome! Hey, Leprechaun! I still want that gold. Right after nap time.
Jorge: And there she is!
Xander: Wait, so our plan actually worked?
Jorge: Totally. There's only one thing you guys got wrong. I'm the only one in my family with hair like this. Everyone else is blonde.
Emma: Thank goodness! This thing is suffocating my follicles!
Jorge: I can't believe you did all this for me.
Xander: Why wouldn't we? You're a Grizzly, and Grizzlies stick together.
Ravi: We wanted camp to feel a little more like home.
Jorge: Well, now it does. Thanks, guys.
Ravi: Wait. So, does this mean you are staying?
Jorge: Yup. Besides, I've gotta keep an eye on Gilbert. I heard some weirdos snuck into the petting zoo and shaved all the sheep.
Emma: Uh- Let's toast to our Camp Kikiwaka family.
Tiffany: We put the "fun" in "dysfunctional." (Chuckling) (All choking)
Xander: What is this stuff? Bark tea?
Zuri: Don't look at us. That's just the tap water.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Gladys: Well, I waited at the airport for six hours But prince mutumbo never showed up! (Sobbing)
Zuri: There's a shock.
Gladys: I really wanted to be a princess!
Emma: Maybe you still can be. Our mom says a girl has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince.
Gladys: But I've been kissing frogs for years!
Zuri: That explains the warts.
Lou: Hey, guys.
Zuri: Hey, Lou.
Emma: How are you feeling?
Lou: Much better. I finally stopped seeing all that crazy stuff.
Xander & Jorge: Killer shrimp!
Ravi: (Screaming)
Xander & Jorge: (Laughing)
Lou: I spoke too soon.

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