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Welcome to Camp Kikiwaka
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka. Emma, Ravi, and Zuri are entering Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room?
Gladys: Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir."
Emma: I haven't even looked at your legs yet.
Ravi: Ravi Ross, a pleasure. You must be Ms. Gladys, the proprietor. Thank you for letting Mrs. Kipling come to camp. I assure you, the odds of her eating any campers are very remote.
Zuri: I would still hide the bite-size kids.
Gladys: Aren't there supposed to be four of you?
Zuri: Our brother, Luke, got stuck in summer school. Probably because he can't spell either of those words.
Gladys: Check cleared, don't care. Sign in with my niece. Hazel, these are the Rosses. I met your parents right here when we were 16. Your dad was a stone-cold fox.
Zuri: Could've gone my whole life without hearing that.
Hazel: My aunt's always talking about your mom. She hates her.
Gladys: With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life!
Emma: No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight.
Gladys: By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp. Hand it over.
Emma: No! Back off, mister!
Interior. The Wood Chuck's cabin.
Emma: Oh.
Tiffany: [shushing] I'm studying for the national spelling bee! If I don't win, my mom won't let me come home. My brother lost last year, and I haven't seen him in 10 months.
Lou: Welcome! I'm Lou, camp counselor and head Woodchuck in charge!
Emma: I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder.
Lou: Oops! My bad. We'll make you a sling in arts and crafts. So, you're my new counselor in training? Let the training begin. Sit! Jk!
Emma: [sighs]
Lou: No, seriously. Sit, or you're goin' in the crate! JK again! I'm all about the JKs! Lol!
Emma: OMG!
Lou: So, how many years of camp experience do you have?
Emma: None.
Lou: But you like kids, right?
Emma: Not really. They're sticky.
Lou: So why do you want to be a camp counselor?
Emma: Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that.
Lou: Good luck! Christina Ross is a legend around here. They say she could assemble a s'more in two seconds flat, and her dream catchers actually caught dreams!
Gladys: She caught mine!
Emma: And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth!
Lou: Nature's popcorn. Speaking of fashion, I hate to brag, but I'm a cover girl.
Emma: Really?
Lou: Yep. Four-H Digest. The big fall flea and tick issue.
Zuri: If we run fast enough, we might be able to catch the limo.
Interior. The Grizzly's cabin.
Ravi: Greetings, bunk mate!
Xander: Hey!Uh... Whoa! Uh, I think that alligator thingy ate your pet.
Ravi: That alligator thingy is my pet.
Xander: Oh, that explains the cage. I just thought we were getting a really creepy kid.
Ravi: Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, your new CIT eagerly reporting for duty, sir!
Xander: I'm Xander.
Ravi: Oh. So what are the cabin rules?
Xander: I'm not really big on rules. Except always wear shower shoes. I once got fungus so bad, I lost a toenail. But it's cool, 'cause now I use it as a guitar pick.
Ravi: You know those cost, like, five cents, right?
Jorge: Hey, dudes! I'm Jorge. Mind if I take this bunk?
Ravi: Actually, that is my...
Jorge: Dude, listen. You want me to sleep downwind! Especially on burrito night. I once had a 23-minute fart!
Ravi: That seems medically impossible.
Xander: Although handy if we go hot-air ballooning.
Jorge: That's why the aliens abducted me. I'm special.
Ravi: Well, parts of you clearly are. So let me guess. The aliens probed you?
Jorge: Of course not! They just invited me for brunch. You're weird.
Exterior. Xander playing the guitar.
Hazel: Xander, that was awesome! Can I have your pick?
Xander: Sure.
Lou: Then during free time tomorrow, we can dive for mud dabs, and connect your mosquito bites to see what shape they make! Look, mine make Abe Lincoln!
Emma: [gasps] Whoa! That supes cute guy is here and you led with mud dabs?
Lou: Where did that wind come from?
Xander: Whoa! I think I'm in love.
Hazel: Finally! Let's get married after the tetherball tournament!
Xander: Hi, I'm Xander.
Emma: I'm Emma.
Hazel: I'm nauseous
Lou: Ooh! Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow.
Hazel: I hope it goes in her eye and out her ear.
Lou: Little Woodchuck wisdom, don't go to the archery range with her.
Gladys: Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. Ki-ki-wa-ka!
All: Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka!
Ravi: Okay, this is a cult. Taxi!
Gladys: We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods!
Zuri: Say what now?
Gladys: Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace!
Emma: Did she just say "in pieces"?
Gladys: With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! Remember to pick up your trash.
Zuri: Tiffany, aren't you scared of the Kikiwaka?
Tiffany: Nope. Nothing's scarier than my mom if I don't get an A.
Hazel: Listen, cheekbones, Xander is mine.
Xander: No, I'm not!
Hazel: So you should go back to New York before one of those long legs ends up in a bear trap. See you at the friendship circle.
Lou: She's not really good with new people. Or old people. Or any people.
Gladys over PA:: Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life.
Emma: Is archery part of the obstacle course?
Lou: Nope.
Jorge: Ravi, what are you doing?
Ravi: Obviously, as your counselor-in-training, I am demonstrating what not to do.
Jorge: Dude, you're embarrassing Grizzly Cabin! And men in general!
Xander: I think Ravi's doing great, considering he could barely pick up his egg for the egg race.
Ravi: It was a jumbo! What do they feed those chickens?
Zuri: Whoo-hoo! That was fun.
TIffany: Fun? Forget fun! Focus! Thanks to your pathetic performance on this bouncy house, our cabin is behind!
Zuri: Tiffany, it's just a game. Who cares?
Tiffany: I care! Because if we don't win "best cabin," then I can't win "best camper," and if I don't win "best camper," I won't get into Harvard, which means I won't get into Harvard Medical School, which means I'll never become a top doctor, which will kill my mother! Do you want to kill my mother?
Zuri: No, but I do want to talk to her about her parenting skills.
Hazel: So Woodchuck Cabin is losing, Your campers are turning on each other... great leadership, Emma!
Lou: She is a good leader! Just ask our campers.
Tiffany: Which one's Emma again?
Hazel: You should just go home now. As a CIT, you're DOA.
Lou: She is not! She has legendary counselor Christina Ross' blood running through her veins!
Emma: And I'd like to keep it there, so let's not get the girl with access to arrows angry. Ah! Look, I'm doing it!
Lou: That's my bunk buddy, people!
Hazel: Hey, Emma, catch! Let's see how Xander likes Little Miss Perfect now.
Xander: Emma! Emma, are you okay?
Emma: Well, I'm better than those worms I just fell on. Oh.
Lou: A pretty girl covered in mud, and you thought he wasn't going to like that? What's next? You hand her a tray of hot wings and have her turn on football?
Interior. The Wood Chuck's cabin.
Emma: I can't believe there's still mud in my ears.
Zuri: Lucky you. At least you don't have to listen to Tiffany's violin. Give it a rest!
Tiffany: Stop screaming at Violet! She's very high-strung!
Emma: Today was a disaster. Instead of being a super counselor like Mom, I'm the lamest CIT ever.
Lou: You are not! You're much better than my last CIT, Tammy. She took the kids to pet the hibernating bears.
Emma: Bears don't hibernate in the summer.
Lou: Exactly! It was a lot of paperwork.
Emma: Okay... But I was humiliated in front of the whole camp. Plus, Hazel's never going to let Xander near me.
Lou: At least not while you're still breathing. Sorry, that sounded much more supportive in my head.
Emma: Yay! Xander sent me a text on paper!
Lou: Think that's called a note.
Emma: He wants me to sneak out tonight and meet him at The Spot!
Lou: Whoo-wee! The Spot is the place in the woods where the kids go to... You know.
Zuri: Get electrocuted?
Tiffany: You can't sneak out! That could give our cabin demerits!
Lou: So?
Tiffany: So, that goes on my permanent record!
Zuri: It's camp! The only permanent records they keep are how many kids get diarrhea from the lousy food! Uh-oh! I think it's about to be one more.
Exterior. The Spot.
Emma: Would you please go back to the cabin?
Zuri: Not happening! I don't know what's more toxic, Tiffany's attitude, or what I left in that toilet!
Emma: Are you okay?
Zuri: What made this giant footprint?
Emma: Uh, a giant foot, duh. I'm really hoping that's your stomach.
Zuri: Nope.
Emma: Do you think it's the Kikiwaka?
Zuri: I don't know. Why don't you stay here and ask it?
Jorge: Yes! I win!
Ravi: No, you do not. You moved the table.
Joge: Hey, all's fair in love and pool.
Ravi: That is not a saying.
Jorge: It is on planet Zorb. Dude, why are you such a buzzkill?
Ravi: I am not a killer of the buzz! As your counselor-in-training, it is my duty to teach you to follow the rules!
Xander: Bro, you just defined "buzzkill".
Hazel: Hey, Xander. I made you hot wings. Want a bite?
Xander: I don't think she's talking about the wings.
Lou: Come on! Come on!
Tiffany: Lou, I don't have time to play foosball! I need to finish my college applications!
Lou: That's seven years from now!
Tiffany: I'm applying really early admission.
Lou: Xander? You're supposed to be with Emma. Why are you here?
Hazel: Because he'd rather be with me.
Xander: I never said that! Did anybody hear me say that?
Lou: Emma went to The Spot because you sent her that note telling her to meet you there.
Xander: I didn't send her any note.
Lou: Uh-oh. This Woodchuck smells a rat.
Ravi: Oh, that is Jorge. He refuses to shower.
Lou: Gee, who would want to send Emma out into the woods? I'm looking at you, Hazel. Right where your soul should be!
Violet: Emma's not alone. She's with Zuri. That's right, Violet. That mean little girl is gone.
Hazel: Why don't you all leave, so Xander and I can play a little nine ball? Rack 'em!
Xander: No! There will be no racking! We have to go find Emma and Zuri!
Hzel: Oh , okay. Let's use the buddy system. I pick Xander!
Exterior. The spot.
All: Emma! Zuri!
Jorge: Uh-oh. I see something really scary!
Tiffany: Is it my mom?
Jorge: No. It's a giant footprint.
Xander: Shh!
All: [Screaming]
Lou: [carrying Ravi] Wow, you are lighter than a chicken, and their bones are hollow!
Xander: Ow! Emma!
Emma: Xander!
Hazel: Yay, we found her.
Ravi: I still cannot believe you sent my sisters off into the woods to become Kikiwaka kebabs.
Zuri: You sent Emma that note?
Emma: [scoffs] So, first you shoot an arrow at me, then you knock me into the mud, and then you send me off into the woods to die? [scoffs] I'm starting to think you don't like me.
Xander: It's coming! Get up the tree!
All: Ahh!
Hazel: Xander and hazel sittin' in a tree.
Lou: G-A-G-G-I-N-G.
Tiffany: No one told me there was gonna be a spelling bee!
Jorge: [speaking Spanish] Don't take me now god! I am so close to puberty!
Tiffany: [speaking Mandarin] I should have told my mom to back off!
Ravi: [speaking Hindi] We are doomed!
Emma: Ugh, Ravi, we are not doomed!
Xander: You understood him?
Emma: Ravi panics a lot, so I've picked up a little Hindi.
All: [screaming]
Emma: Okay, look, everyone needs to calm down. I'm going to get us out of this!
Hazel: Why should we listen to you, you boyfriend snatcher?
Emma: Because everything you've put me through has taught me I'm tougher than I thought. Now, let's scare this thing off!
Lou: Good idea! Hazel, go down and ask it for a date.
Hazel: Xandy, are you going to let them talk about me like that?
Xander: Yes. I would high five them if I weren't so afraid to let go of this branch.
Emma: Okay, we know animals are scared of bright lights...
Ravi: Oh! We all have flashlights!
Emma: Oh!
Ravi: You all have flashlights!
Emma: We also know they hate loud, annoying noises.
Zuri: Like Tiffany's violin! Sorry.
Lou: And sometimes offensive odors will drive animals off!
All: Jorge's farts!
Jorge: I'm on it!
Emma: Okay, all in favor of attacking this thing, instead of just sitting here waiting to be eaten, say "Aye!"
All: Aye! [screaming]
Tiffany: [screeches violin]
Jorge: [farts]
All: [coughs]
Jorge: Is it gone?
Lou: After that fart, there's nothing alive within 100 miles.
Ravi: I cannot focus my eyes!
Tiffany: That was superior screeching, Zuri Ross.
Zuri: Thanks, Tiff. And your violin never sounded better.
Xander: Emma, your plan worked!
Lou: Way to be a leader, Woodchuck. I think your mom would be really proud of you.
Emma: Thank you, Lou.
Lou: Don't you agree, Hazel?
Hazel: Maybe. But don't get cocky. Remember, I'm the head counselor here, so what I say goes. Follow me!
Lou: Camp's the other way.
Hazel: I knew that!
Gladys: Geez, you try to have a little fun by terrorizing some campers, and you get a pinecone to the head. I hate kids!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Okay, I think I've got it. [chittering rhythmically]
Lou: Perfect! [chittering rhythmically] Aww! My little Woodchuck's all grown up!
Emma: You know, my mom was right. I think this is going to be a pretty good summer.
Lou: Wait till I teach you how to give a porcupine a French braid. Hurts like heck, but they look so darn adorable!
Gladys: Attention, campers! I have been informed that there was a Kikiwaka close encounter last night. All: Whoa! I haven't had a close encounter since last July 4th at the Moose Lodge. I'm so lonely!
Zuri: Oh! That was one unlucky moose.
Ravi: We encountered the Kikiwaka! That was us.
Gladys: And for the last ding dang time, it is one thing to pee in the lake, but it is completely unacceptable to leave a number two in a canoe!
Jorge: What? The signs around here are really confusing.
Gladys: So instead, we'll be racing inner tubes today. Last person to the lake has to clean the canoe!
Xander: ♪ Here we go ♪

♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪
♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪
♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪
♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
Uh, Hazel, three's a crowd.

Hazel: Oh, did you hear that, Emma? Get lost.
Emma: You already tried that last night, remember?
Lou: Wow, last time the bonfire was this big, Gladys had dropped her canteen in it.
Zuri: That's because I threw in all of Tiffany's flashcards.
Tiffany: What?
Zuri: I'm going to make sure you have fun this summer, if it's the last thing I ever do.
Tiffany: If my mom hears about this, it will be. Although it might be nice to have a little fun for a change.
Zuri: Great!Tonight, I'll teach you how to hollow out your mattress to hide stuff. With your book smarts and my street smarts, we're going to rule this camp!
Ravi: Oh! Jorge, move back! You are supposed to melt the marshmallow, not your face.
Jorge: Hey, compared to what the aliens did to me, that would be nothing. After brunch, it got ugly.
Zuri: Hey, guys, do you think the Kikiwaka's gonna come back tonight?
Ravi: Not if he knows Jorge had burritos for dinner.
Gladys: Ha! Dopey kids. They'll believe anything.
Campers: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

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