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Xander Says Goodbye
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: Time for a little rock skipping 101. If you don't throw it at exactly the right angle, it'll sink like a stone.
Zuri: It's a stone. Sinking and breaking windows is all it's good for.
Lou: Okay, Emma, how about you go first? Make sure you do us Woodchucks proud!
Emma: Hey, you're lucky I'm even holding this thing. The last rock I picked up was ten carats and came with an armed guard.
Ravi: Stand aside, ladies. I have calculated the perfect angle and velocity for maximum skippage.
Lou: Well, you didn't skip a rock, but you might have got us dinner.
Zuri: Ooh! Here's another stone. Go get us a pig, I'm in the mood for some bacon.
Theme song.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Xander: Breakfast, al fresco. Bon "appetite. "
Emma: Aw, merci!
Xander: Huh?
Emma: Never mind.
Xander: So, do you like creme fraiche with your lobster crepes?
Emma: Wow. I'm surprised you even know about creme fraiche and crepes.
Xander: I didn't, until I did an Internet search for "rich people food."
Emma: Aw, this is so romantic! I did an Internet search for you too, but it was just to make sure you didn't have a criminal record.
Gladys: Aww, young love. Xander, you have another phone call.
Xander: I'll be right back.
Gladys: Wow, your little boy toy really went all out. Only one explanation for that.
Emma: Yup, he really likes me.
Gladys: Oh, Emma. Sweet, naive, wrinkle-free Emma. Xander has been getting all kinds of phone calls lately. Obviously, he feels guilty because he's cheating on you.
Emma: He is not! Xander is not that kind of guy.
Gladys: They're all that kind of guy. I've been cheated on millions of times and I'm delightful.
Xander: Sorry about that.
Emma: So, uh, who called?
Xander: No one important.
Gladys: Secretive. I'll bet "no one important" is a bendy gymnast back home.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Tiffany: You! I know you took it!
Zuri: If you're talking about your ability to have fun, I think you were born that way.
Tiffany: I'm talking about my violin. It's gone. Where did you hide it?
Zuri: I didn't. Maybe it ran away to find someone who can actually play it.
Tiffany: This from someone whose idea of entertainment is to watch stupid viral videos over and over.
Zuri: They are not stupid. They're hilarious. In fact, I want to watch "Monkey Sniffing His Own Butt" right now. Hey! My tablet's gone! Did you take it?
Tiffany: No! And you're not supposed to have a tablet at camp!
Zuri: I have a doctor's note.
Tiffany: There's no such disease as "tablet deficiency."
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Emma: Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but I think Xander might be cheating on me.
Ravi: I knew it. No one is that charming without a secret dark side.
Lou: No way! I've known Xander a long time, and he's not the kind of guy who would cheat.
Ravi: Oh, that does sound like Xander. He is as honest as they come, and quite charming.
Emma: But he's been getting secret phone calls all week.
Ravi: Care to explain, Lou?
Lou: Emma, if you're so worried, why don't you just go talk to Xander?
Emma: I don't want him to think I'm a paranoid freak who doesn't trust him. Maybe I should go through his trash.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gladys: So, I told the guy, "If I have to pay for the movie, "and the large popcorn and the artisan hotdog "and the gourmet vegan nachos, you at least have to sit next to me."
Tiffany: Gladys! Zuri took my violin!
Zuri: Did not! But Tiffany took my tablet! Which I need for my serious medical condition.
Gladys: Actually, I took your tablet.
Zuri: Why?
Gladys: Because it's against camp rules.
Zuri: But I have a note!
Gladys: A fake note. Like last week, when "your doctor" said you needed extra desserts because you were diagnosed with a "low pudding count."
Zuri: LPC is a real thing!
Tiffany: Make Zuri give me back my violin!
Gladys: She didn't take it. I did. I got sick and tired of getting complaints about your playing.
Tiffany: From who?
Gladys: Everybody! The campers here, the campers across the lake, the Canadian mounted police.
Zuri: Wow, Tiffany, you're an international annoyer.
Gladys: You'll both get your stuff back at the end of camp. Hey, kids! Remember, no swimming in the lake until we deal with that little deadly snake problem.
Tiffany: Zuri, I'm so sorry I accused you of taking my violin.
Zuri: I forgive you.
Tiffany: And? You are-
Zuri: Not swimming in that lake.
Tiffany: Maybe she'll send me a card.
Zuri: Don't hold your breath!
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: Hey, Xander.
Xander: It's weird, my trash is scattered everywhere.
Emma: Those bears- so untidy. Xander, I need to ask you something. Are you cheating on me?
Xander: What? No! Why would you even think that?
Emma: Because you were acting kind of guilty, like you were hiding something.
Xander: Actually, I have been hiding something from you, and I do feel guilty.
Emma: So that was a guilt crepe! What are you hiding? Whatever it is, it's obviously not in your trash. Because the bear would have found it.
Xander: I should have told you this before, but I just couldn't. The truth is, I have to leave camp.
Emma: Oh, that's not so bad. For how long? A few days? A week?
Xander: No, for good.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Emma: I can't believe you're leaving!
Xander: I'm sorry, but my high school football team practices got moved up to next week.
Emma: So, that's what the phone calls were about?
Xander: Yes.
Emma: But what about us?
Xander: Emma, you know I want to be with you.
Emma: Then stay! There, problem solved. Let's hit the lake!
Xander: I can't!
Emma: Okay, zipline?
Xander: Look, Emma, playing football is a family tradition. We even have a jockstrap that's been passed down for three generations.
Emma: Is that supposed to get me to understand your decision? Because I'm not really happy that you're choosing used underwear over me!
Ravi: Hello! What are we talking about?
Emma: Xander's leaving camp to play football in his grandfather's jockstrap!
Ravi: That is horrible. What will your grandfather wear?
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Zuri: Oh, man! Gladys locked her door. Now what do we do?
Tiffany: Don't worry. I got this.
Zuri: You can pick locks?
Tiffany: How else could I get into the library after hours?
Zuri: Talk about a wasted talent.
Interior. Woodchuck cabin.
Lou: Emma, I really think you should talk to Xander.
Emma: He's already made his decision, so why should I talk to him?
Lou: Number one, because you guys are a couple, and couples talk things out. And number two, he's outside the door with flowers and chocolates.
Xander: Actually, I couldn't find any chocolates, but I have a bagel!
Lou: Make that flowers and a doughy treat.
Emma: It doesn't make any difference. I don't want to talk to him!
Lou: Okay, fine, but Xander's dad is coming to pick him up today, and I think you'll really regret it if you leave things this way. Seriously, a bagel?
Xander: It was either this, or furry strawberries. So, she doesn't want to talk?
Lou: No, but I know Emma, and she'll come around. Meanwhile, since your football practice is starting, we need to get you in shape. The only pass you made this summer was at Emma. Knees up! And faster, before the bus driver needs these tires back!
Xander: Can I get a drink of water?
Lou: No! You can drink when you're dead!
Xander: What does that even mean?
Lou: I don't know! I just know that I'm gonna stay on you like stink on rice!
Xander: I don't think that's the expression.
Lou: Um, have you had the rice here?
Xander: Fair point.
Ravi: Okay. I am ready to help Xander rehearse football. Batter up! Nothing but net.
Xander: You really think Ravi can help me be a better football player?
Lou: No, but I think he'll take your mind off of Emma, or the very least make you laugh.
Xander: Hut one! Hut two! Omaha!
Ravi: What is the largest city in the state of Nebraska?
Xander: This isn't a test. That's the signal that I'm changing the play.
Ravi: Fine. But I was not wrong.
Xander: Hike!
Ravi: Did we win?
Xander: 28. Red dog. Hike.
Ravi: I caught it!
Xander: Keep running!
Ravi: Why?
Xander: That's why.
Interior. Gladys' cabin.
Tiffany: It's not here.
Zuri: I bet our stuff is in there.
Tiffany: Wait, maybe we shouldn't open that. There might be the body of one of her old boyfriends in there.
Zuri: Don't be silly. She'd have to get a boyfriend before she could kill one. Oh, my gosh, she has a creepy shrine to my dad.
Tiffany: Wow, this is even weirder than yesterday's Morgan-shaped meatloaf. That's Gladys. Hide!
Gladys: Oh, I can't believe I left this open. Hi, Morgy. Miss me? I sure did, Glady. You look ravishing. Thank you, these are new cargo shorts.
Zuri: Oh! Gonna puke!
Tiffany: Choke it back!
Zuri: Camp food tastes even worse the second time down.
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Lou: Nothing like a little refreshment after some football.
Ravi: I could use a little more ice.
Xander: Where would you put it?
Ravi: My earlobes are throbbing!
Xander: Emma!
Emma: Xander, I've been thinking, and Lou is right. I should've accepted your bagel.
Lou: Oh, it was whole wheat.
Emma: Really? Anyway, it's the thought that counts. I'm sorry for getting so upset about your leaving. If football is your passion, and that's what really makes you happy, then that's what you should do.
Xander: Thanks, Emma. But the thing is, football doesn't really make me happy.
Ravi: What? Then why did we have to help you practice? My hip is where my ankle should be! And my kneecaps are on backwards.
Lou: But you've always loved football!
Xander: Actually, it's my dad who loves football. I love music, and being here with you guys.
Emma: Great! So, can't you just tell him how you feel?
Xander: No! I once told him I wanted to cut out red meat, and he cut me out of his will!
Emma: Xander, this is your chance to be honest with your dad.
Ravi: Yes, you should tell him how you really feel.
Lou: After all, it's your life. Although, I am on his side about the red meat thing.
Xander: Maybe you're right. I'm gonna tell my dad I don't want to play football.
Gerald: Hey, Xan-Man!
Xander: Hey, Dad.
Gerald: Ready to hit the road harder than a free safety blindsiding a quarterback?
Xander: Actually, no. Because I- I haven't packed yet. I'll be back in a minute.
Emma: I can't believe it.
Ravi: Yes. If he packs all those clothes in one minute, they are going to be horribly wrinkled.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Emma: Xander, why didn't you tell your dad the truth?
Xander: I wanted to! But my mouth got dry, my pits got all sweaty, and I couldn't speak! I'm so embarrassed.
Emma: You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Ravi: Except maybe your boxers that say "Rump Shaker." That was piling on. My bad.
Lou: Look, Xander, I know it can be tough to stand up to your dad, so maybe we can help.
Xander: How are you gonna do that?
Lou: The same way any good coach helps their team through a tough game.
Emma: By making sure they have adorable uniforms?
Lou: No.
Emma: Was I close?
Lou: No.
Interior. Gladys' cabin.
Gladys: Morgy, you know we were meant to be.
Zuri: Could this get any creepier?
Tiffany: Yes. I just noticed her lucky raccoon paw.
Gladys: Hello, Christina. This is what you get for ruining my life!
Zuri: She's ripping my mom apart like monkey bread.
Tiffany: She just bit your mom's head off.
Zuri: That is disturbing and unsanitary!
Tiffany: Let's get out of here.
Zuri: Right behind you. If we get caught, she might bite our heads off.
Gladys: Forgot my canteen. I'll never make it through Bunny cabin sing-a-long without you. Hey! What are you doin' in here?
Zuri: Uh, leaving.
Tiffany: I told you this wasn't the mess hall.
Gladys: Nice try. Actually, that was a terrible try.
Zuri: Okay, we're here for our stuff. And you're going to give it back to us.
Gladys: Give me one good reason why I should.
Zuri: Because if you don't, I'll tell my dad that you have a creepy shrine to him, you make out with his picture, and you bite the head off dolls of my mom.
Gladys: Okay, that's three good reasons.
Both: Ew!
Gladys: Make that four good reasons. Please don't tell your dad. I don't want him to think I'm, you know-
Tiffany: Deranged?
Zuri: Psycho?
Gladys: I was going to say quirky.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Gerald: Hey, Xan-Man. Bet you can't wait to hit the gridiron, huh? Let's go. Wear your pads on the way home.
Xander: But it's like 95 degrees.
Gerald: Fine, don't wear the cup.
Xander: So, here's the thing. I want you to hear what I'm going to say.
Gerald: Okay.
Xander: I have been thinking for a long time-
Gerald: Okay, can we speed this up? 'Cause, I can't stand for too long, ever since that linebacker slammed me into that cheerleader. Then again, that is how I met your mom.
Xander: Well, it's hard to tell you, but I'm William Shakespeare eating a ham?
Gerald: Is this about the whole red meat thing again?
Lou: What the heck does that mean?
Ravi: Xander's situation is identical to Shakespeare's Hamlet. But instead of feeling the pressure of political ambition, Xander feels the pressure of his father's football ambition. Like, duh!
Emma: No. Not like, duh!
Gerald: Okay, from now on, you're wearing two helmets. Can't have you losing any more brain cells.
Xander: What I'm trying to say is I don't want to play football.
Gerald: What? But we're a football family. I played, your grandfather played. Even your cousin Shelia made a darn good tackle dummy!
Xander: Dad, you're not listening to me. I'm done with football!
Gerald: The heck you are! You know, I am extremely disappointed in you, Xander.
Xander: Well, I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. But I'm staying here at camp.
Gerald: No, you're not! We're leaving in ten minutes. Go pack.
Lou: Go fish?
Emma: Got any threes?
Interior. Camp Kikiwaka cafeteria.
Gerald: Miniature soccer. Who came up with this?
Gladys: Gerald!
Gerald: Oh, no!
Gladys Hello!
Gerald: Hello, Gladys.
Gladys You didn't stop by and say hi when you dropped off Xander this summer.
Gerald: Because last time I said "hello," you handcuffed yourself to my belt, and said it was a magic trick.
Gladys Abracadabra!
Emma: Uh, Gladys! The nurse wants to see you. Something about botulism?
Gladys: Darn it! Stupid rusty canned beans! I'll be right back, and I'll pull something out of your hat.
Gerald: I don't have a hat. Thanks so much for saving me...
Emma: Emma.
Gerald: Oh, so you're the famous Emma that Xander keeps telling me about.
Emma: Well, I've been in a few magazines, but I wouldn't call myself famous. Look, Mr. McCormick, I really care about Xander.
Gerald: Then I guess you're happy he wants to stay at camp.
Emma: Well, yeah. But when he first told me he was leaving, I was really hurt and upset.
Gerald: Then you understand how I feel?
Emma: Of course. But then Lou helped me realize that I should want Xander to do what makes him happy, even if it makes me upset.
Gerald: I get it. You're saying that if I love Xander, I should let him choose his own path?
Emma: Exactly.
Gerald: You know he once got lost in our driveway? And it's a circle.
Emma: Tell me about it. When he goes out in the woods, we make him wear a bell. But when it comes to what he wants to do with his life, I think you should trust he knows where he's going.
Gerald: Maybe you're right. I should go talk to him. You know, you're a pretty smart young lady. And I loved that story you made up to get rid of Gladys.
Emma: I didn't make that up. Right now, there are 12 kids puking their guts out in the infirmary.
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Gerald: Hey.
Xander: Hey.
Gerald: Wow, this mattress is hard.
Xander: That's because it's plywood painted to look like a mattress.
Gerald: I see Gladys is as cheap as ever.
Xander: So Look, Dad, I don't want to play football. I just don't like it.
Gerald: Well, what do you like?
Xander: Being here at camp and playing music. But you wouldn't understand.
Gerald: Actually, I would. I never told you this. But, uh I always wanted to play the clarinet.
Xander: You did? But the clarinet is so la- Cool!
Gerald: I know, right? Every game, I'd look up from the field at the band with their awesome hats, watching that clarinet section blow the crowd away. Gosh, they were neat!
Xander: Then why did you play football?
Gerald: 'Cause my dad made me. You think I wanted to wear his old jockstrap?
Xander: So you do understand how I feel?
Gerald: Absolutely. And you're not a disappointment. In fact, I'm really proud of you.
Xander: You are?
Gerald: Yeah,I wish I could've stood up to my dad like you stood up to me.
Xander: Thanks,dad.So I can stay at camp?
Gerald: Of course. But you do know that the food here has botulism?
Xander: I know, that's why I never eat anything canned.
Gerald: Just promise me one thing. You won't take up soccer, 'cause I couldn't stand the shame.
Xander: Deal.
Gerald: Okay.
Lou: Ravi, why are you crying?
Emma: He's very emotional. I once saw him cry over a commercial.
Ravi: That man got the fourth tire for free.
Interior. Gladys' cabin.
Zuri: See? The monkey's sniffing his own butt!
Gladys: Look! He fell off the branch! And you're getting me new pictures of your dad, right?
Zuri: Mmm-hmm. Just keep that pudding coming.
Gladys: I know, doctor's orders.
Tiffany: I'll go get some more. I was getting up anyway to gouge my eyes out.
Zuri: What's wrong?
Tiffany: I found more raccoon parts.
Gladys: What? They make great paper weights.

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