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Zuri Has a Little Lamb
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Lou: Okay, Woodchucks. I have the best news to tell you!
Zuri: It's Cell Phone Sunday. Just text us.
Lou: Or we could be totally retro and talk with our mouths. So, as of right now, we are officially on barn duty.
Emma: This camp has a barn?
Lou: Yeah, right behind the camp bowling alley.
Emma: There's a bowling alley?
Lou: Yes, right next to the arcade.
Zuri: We have got to get off the great lawn more.
Lou: Well, here's your chance. It's the Woodchuck's turn to tidy up the barn, and take care of the animals.
Zuri: Adorable animals? I am so in. Back home, I had a zebra, a giraffe, and a pig, if you count Luke.
Emma: Gee, I'd love to help tidy up, but I volunteered to do some charity work in town.
Lou: Really? What charity?
Emma: The National Foundation For People Who Need Charity.
Lou: As legit as that sounds, barn duty is mandatory. Besides, it'll be good for you to get your hands dirty. Time to step up.
Emma: I'd love to step up, I just don't want to step in anything nasty. I'm talking about poop.
Lou: Yeah, I got that.
Theme song.
Exterior. The woods.
Ravi: All righty, Grizzlies, I know it is a bit blustery today, but collect as many leaves as you can. And back at camp, we will make leaf etchings.
Griff: And, uh, how do we know which ones are poisonous?
Ravi: Okay, leaf etchings are canceled. Uh, let us just enjoy a walk through nature instead.
Jorge: Hey, guys, what's that?
Ravi: Your guess is as good as mine, but my guess is It is a hand-hewn, cedar-lined sauna from the Swedish province of Vasterbotten.
Griff: Dude, how could you possibly know that?
Ravi: Because I happen to be the most intelligent CIT at camp.
Jorge: Plus, there's a sign.
Ravi: (Imitating Jorge) Plus, there's a sign. Oh, dear gods.
Jorge: Ravi, isn't that your dad, but flatter?
Ravi: Yes. It seems we have stumbled upon Gladys's private sauna, and she has made Mr. Daddy her steamy boy-toy. Oh, what he must have seen.
Griff: Wow. I've never been in a sauna before. Unless you count the time that steam pipe burst while I was in The Hole.
Ravi: They have solitary confinement in juvenile detention?
Griff: No. The Hole is a donut place where I used to shoplift.
Jorge: Guys, let's get out of here. I can't stand confined spaces. Probably because I once spent a whole night in a coffin.
Ravi: I do not want to know why you were in a coffin-
Jorge: It was a game of hide-and-seek gone wrong at a funeral.
Ravi: Do games of hide-and-seek ever go right at a funeral?
Griff: So, should we get our steam on?
Ravi: Well, okay, heat is excellent for the pores. As they say, treat yo-self.
Interior. The barn.
Lou: Welcome to the barn, my favorite place at camp! Sometimes when I'm homesick, I sleep here with the horses.
Emma: That explains why you come home with hay in your hair.
Lou: Oh, no, that's a fashion choice. You don't like it?
Emma: Um.
Zuri: Awkward. (Bleating) Aw, hey, look, it's a sheep! She's adorable.
Lou: Yeah, that's Sheila. Oh, she really likes you. But don't get distracted by that cute little cotton ball, we have a long list of chores to do.
Emma: Oh, no! I just remembered I left the oven on in our cabin. My pie will burn.
Lou: Oh, please, you've never even eaten pie, much less made one.
Zuri: Should have gone with diarrhea. No one ever asks follow-up questions.
Lou: While you guys finish this list, I'm gonna build a new pig trough. If you hear me screaming, don't worry. It's just my process.
Emma: Zuri, I order you to do these chores.
Zuri: Why should I listen to you?
Emma: Because I'm a CIT. Counselor In Training.
Zuri: Well, it's not gonna happen, because I'm a CWS. Camper With Sass.
Emma: Okay, I've never read the camp manual, but I'm pretty sure that's not a real position.
Zuri: I don't have time to do any chores, I have a sheep to snuggle.
Emma: Well, I'm not cleaning up. It's a pig sty in here. (Pig oinking) Oh, now I get it.
Zuri: Wait, you know what? I think I have an idea to get us out of barn duty.
Lou: (Screaming) I love this hammer!
Emma: Can't she just whistle while she works, like everybody else?
Interior. The sauna.
Ravi: Ah! I love taking a good shvitz.
Griff: Dude, don't do that here. Go in the woods.
Jorge: My hair is starting to frizz.
Ravi: I suppose we should head back before the wind gets worse. Also, people are probably looking for me, since I am the coolest CIT.
Griff: (Chuckles) Bro, I'm new at camp, but I'm not stupid.
Jorge: (Crashes) What was that? (Wind howling)
Ravi: (Gasps) A tree fell and it is blocking the door!
Jorge: You mean we're stuck in here? (Screams) My hair!
Ravi: Let me guess, your hands are stuck in your hair again?
Jorge: (Screams) My hands!
Interior. The barn.
Lou: (Horse neighing) Well, shuck my corn, this place looks amazing! Are the troughs Full?
Emma: Yup, and the goats are groomed and the chickens are cooped. We finished all our chores!
Zuri: And I even had time to teach Sheila some tricks. Come check it out. Sheila, stay.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: Sheila, be cute. Isn't she a genius?
Lou: You guys, I am so impressed. You've made your Mama Woodchuck awful proud. Who was that man?
Emma: Uh, I have no idea.
Zuri: Probably just your run-of-the-mill drifter.
Lou: (Cell phone chimes) Uh, Zuri, you just got charged $100 from the Barn Buddy App.
Zuri: It was only supposed to be 50! I mean, I've been hacked!
Lou: Wait, you two hired someone to do your chores for you?
Emma: We did, and we didn't. We did, in that we did. And we didn't, in that- Okay, I lied, we did.
Lou: You guys are totally missing the point of barn duty. Look, the reason people ask "How much wood can a Woodchuck chuck?" is 'cause Woodchucks chuck their own wood!
Emma: What people are asking that?
Lou: I am so disappointed in you two. And once I have cooled down, I would like that farmer's contact information so I can swap goat grooming secrets with him.
Emma: Zuri, why didn't you put your phone on silent?
Zuri: Why didn't you download the app on your phone like I asked you to?
Emma: You know I have limited storage!
Zuri: What's taking up your space? All those pie recipes?
Emma: This wouldn't have happened if you weren't horsing around with that sheep!
Zuri: It's sheeping around with a sheep. Am I right, Sheila? Sheila? Where'd she go?
Emma: Zuri, the door's open. I think she got out.
Zuri: Oh, no! We've lost Sheila!
Emma: Don't panic. I think I saw a sheep finding app.
Zuri: Emma, this is a sheet finding app. How is breathable cotton going to help us?
Emma: Well, if we don't find Sheila, it'll help us sleep better at night.
Interior. The sauana.
Jorge: My hair feels really bad. Does it look bad?
Ravi: (Chuckles) "Bad" is such a subjective word-
Griff: But it's the right word.
Jorge: I've gotta get out of here!
Ravi: (Sighs) Do not worry, Jorge. I will save us! (Inhales and grunts)
Griff: You trying to break open that door is like an ant trying to push a train.
Ravi: Well, what are you doing to help?
Griff: I'm providing hilarious commentary.
Ravi: Normally, that is my role, as I am also the funniest CIT at camp.
Griff: Yeah, but is it ever on purpose?
Jorge: Who cares? We're trapped because Ravi was so concerned about his stupid pores!
Ravi: A dirty pore makes a dirty man. Now, chillax.
Griff: Speaking of chill, we should turn off the heat.
Jorge: What's the point? The frizz train has left the station!
Griff: Uh-oh. I think I broke the thermostat.
Jorge: We're all gonna die in here!
Griff: Hey, maybe I can sharpen one of these sauna rocks and cut us a hole out of here.
Ravi: Will that work?
Griff: Sure. I once dug my way out of juvie with a sharpened toothbrush. I just need a poster of Selena Gomez.
Ravi: What for?
Griff: To hide the hole from the guards.
Ravi: There are no guards!
Griff: I'd still like that poster.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Zuri: We've searched every inch of camp. It's like Sheila's disappeared!
Emma: Maybe she went to get a blow out? I didn't want to say anything, but her wool was looking a little bit busted.
Zuri: Emma, this is all your fault. If you hadn't tried to boss me around, Sheila would never have run away.
Emma: Maybe she ran away because you were smothering her.
Zuri: It's called love, you ice queen!
Emma: Look, Zuri, fighting with each other isn't going to solve anything.
Zuri: (Sighs) You're right. What's important is that we find Sheila.
Emma: Yeah, and before Lou realizes she's gone. When she's angry, she yells in a country dialect I don't understand. Once she called me a deep fried dickery doodle.
Zuri: Well, if the doodle fits.
Interior. The sauna.
Ravi: I am sweating to death!
Jorge: Hurry up! If my hair gets any bigger, it'll absorb my brain!
Griff: Okay, I'm done.
Ravi: (Sighs) Thank the gods! Now, let us discuss a plan of action before we do anything rash-
Jorge: Freedom! (Crashes) (Grunting) Uh, guys? I didn't quite make it.
Griff: Uh, yeah, we see that.
Ravi: If we had to get stuck with half of Jorge, why did it have to be this half? Oh, cruel world.
Exterior. The woods.
Zuri: Sheila! Here, girl!
Emma: We need some kind of bait. Should we say we have pizza?
Zuri: Sure, Emma. Should it be thin crust or deep dish?
Emma: Well, if the sheep is from Chicago-
Zuri: I was being sarcastic! I'm sorry, I'm just worried about Sheila.
Emma: I know, but we'll find her.
Zuri: Sheila!
Emma: We have pizza!
Zuri: (Sheila bleating) She's over there!
Emma: Ah, told you. Pizza always works.
Zuri: Sheila! I was so worried about you, I snapped at Emma.
Emma: Zuri, you snap at me all the time.
Zuri: Yeah, but this time, I was sorry about it. Man, having a kid makes you soft.
Emma: Okay, sheep mama, let's go.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: Something's wrong with Sheila. Do you think she got into the mess hall food?
Emma: I hope not. (Whispers) They were serving lamb chops.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: She seems like she's in pain. Look, I don't care if we get in trouble with Lou, we need to find Sheila help.
Emma: You're right. Let's get her back to camp.
Zuri: Uh, one question. Which way is camp?
Emma: Uh it's around here somewhere. I remember passing some trees. And I know for sure it's in Maine.
Zuri: Great, now I feel so much better.
Emma: Don't worry, I'll find it.
Zuri: How? You get lost at the mall.
Emma: Between you and me, I do that on purpose, so I can keep shopping.
Exterior. The woods.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: Sheila's getting worse! I should've taken better care of her.
Emma: Zuri, listen You know how you love Sheila and want to take care of her? Well, that's how I feel about you. So I promise, I'll get us back to camp.
Zuri: But it's dark! What if we get more lost?
Emma: Oh, do you have your phone?
Zuri: Yeah, but this hardly seems like the time to post a status update.
Emma: No, your phone has a flashlight on it.
Emma: But now that you mention it (Clicks camera) Hashtag, lost and fabulous.
Zuri: Emma, focus!
Emma: Sorry. I am a selfie addict. But the point is, we can use your flashlight on your phone to retrace our footprints back to camp.
Zuri: Great idea!
Emma: (Clicks camera) Hashtag, great idea!
Zuri: Emma!
Emma: I said I have a problem!
Interior. The woods.
Jorge: Help!
Ravi: Jorge, your screaming is helping no one. You are merely sending out a "come eat me" signal to the bears.
Griff: Just let him scream. If they chew off his top half, maybe we can get the rest out.
Ravi: (Grunts) Are you using all your strength?
Griff: Are you using any strength?
Jorge: Ow!
Ravi: Oh, sorry, Jorge. Did the force of my raging biceps hurt you?
Jorge: No, a bird is making a nest on my head! It's turning my cranium into a condo!
Griff: Okay, pulling isn't working. We're going to have to push him out.
Ravi: (Sighs) Good idea.
Griff: Go for it, man.
Ravi: (Chuckles) No, after you. I insist.
Griff: But you've known him longer.
Ravi: Which is why I cannot go near that.
Jorge: Quit arguing and just push my tush!
Ravi: It is so hot, my eyes are sweating!
Griff: Yeah, that's called crying!
Ravi: Wait! My boiled brain just had a thought. Maybe the heat will make Jorge perspire more. The sweatier he is, the easier it will be to slip him out of the hole.
Griff: Jorge can get sweatier?
Ravi: He can always get sweatier.
Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.
Zuri: We made it! We're safe!
Lou: Woodchucks!
Emma: You spoke too soon.
Lou: There you are! I am steamed hotter than a boiling kettle in a crop-fire! You are going to feel the wrath of my grits!
Emma: See? It's like her own language.
Lou: I can't believe you lazy yahoos think you can just dosey-doh out of barn duty, and take Sheila for a night trot! What do you take me for, a fertnerter?
Emma: Lou, we're sorry, but right now we need your help! After that, you can yell at us in your country gibberish.
Zuri: Sheila ran away because we weren't paying attention, and now she's sick.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Lou: Well, I guess I'll have to put my wrath grits on hold, because we got a hurtin' animal to tend to. Let me take a look.
Zuri: Is she going to be okay?
Lou: Well, let's see. Sheila, on a scale from one to ten, how much pain are you in?
Sheila: (Bleats)
Lou: Ten. That is not good.
Emma: You speak sheep?
Lou: Once you know goat, it's easy. Wait a minute Well, sheep-to-my-Lou! Sheila isn't sick. She's pregnant!
Emma and Zuri: What?
Zuri: Sheila, you didn't tell me? The mother's always the last to know.
Interior. The sauna.
Griff: He's not budging!
And we are getting steamed like clams!
Jorge: My butt is on fire! And not in the way that I'm used to!
Ravi: Oh, dear! I fear this defective piece of junk is about to explode! Curse you, people of Vasterbotten and your shoddy craftsmanship!
Griff: (Sighs) If this is the end, let's not spend our last moments touching Jorge's butt!
Ravi: Good point. At least I will die knowing I'm the most popular CIT. Oh, who am I kidding? The campers call me Ronnie.
Griff: That's the nicest thing they call you. (Crashes) (All screaming) (Exploding) (Crashing)
Ravi: We are free and alive!
Griff: Is it just me, or is the air fresher, the stars brighter? Get off me, dude.
Ravi: Gladly.
Griff: Wait, where's Jorge? Jorge!
Jorge: I'm okay! My butt broke my fall!
Ravi: Well, at least it is good for something.
Interior. The barn.
Zuri: I can't believe we didn't know Sheila was pregnant.
Lou: Well, I noticed she was putting on a little weight, but you never ask a lady if she's expecting. Where I come from, that'll get you a horseshoe to the head. Horses are very sensitive.
Emma: OMG, we need to plan a baby shower!
Lou: Um, pretty soon we're all going to need a shower, because this baby's coming right now!
Emma: Ew, gross! I mean, the miracle of birth is beautiful.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Lou: Emma, get a bucket of water! Zuri, grab some towels! Sheila, try to relax.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Lou: Or not, whatever you want.
Zuri: Towels. Sheila, it's okay. I'm here. (Squishing) Um Is there supposed to be this much slime?
Emma: Oh, boy.
Lou: Just breathe.
Emma: Okay. (Puffing)
Lou: I was talking to the sheep.
Emma: I don't care, it's helping.
Zuri: (Squishing) Okay, that's a lot of slime! It's a gusher!
Emma: Ew.
Lou: Emma, are you okay?
Zuri: Who cares? I've got two other siblings, but only one Sheila!
Lou: Okay, I'm going to press on Sheila's tummy ever so gently.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Lou: Sheila! Language!
Zuri: She's in pain!
Lou: Zuri, if Sheila won't let me touch her, then you're gonna have to deliver this baby!
Zuri: What? I can't do that!
Lou: Yes, you can! Do it for Sheila.
Zuri: (Breaths deeply) Okay. I'm ready.
Lou: So is she. There's the baby's head!
Zuri: Oh, man, this just got real! This baby is comin'!
Lou: Easy. Easy. Good. Now, guide the baby out.
Sheila: (Bleats)(Bleats)
Zuri: It's coming out!
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: Aw.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: Got her!
Lou: Nice catch, Zuri! Aw, she's perfect. Four little hooves and one little tail.
Zuri: You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Zuri Junior.
Sheila: (Bleats)
Zuri: It's just a suggestion.
Lou: Zuri, you did it!
Zuri: I did, didn't I?
Lou: Yep. When it mattered most, you stepped up. I'm really proud of you.
Zuri: Thanks, Lou.
Emma: Did I miss it? What's happening?
Zuri: Sheila had a little lamb! And it's fleece is kind of gross.
Lou: (Squishing) Here comes the afterbirth!
Zuri: Aw, the baby came with its own leash.
Lou: Uh, that's not a leash.
Exterior. The woods.
Ravi: I cannot believe today, we stared death right in the face.
Griff: And that face was Jorge's butt.
Ravi: When word gets out that we survived that explosion, my rep will blow up like that sauna.
Griff: Sure it will, Ronnie.
Ravi: Jorge, hurry up!
Jorge: I can't! The momma bird laid eggs. I'm gonna be an uncle!
Interior. The barn.
Lou: Emma, why did you bring us back here? Our barn duty is done.
Zuri: Yeah, and you said the barn was more revolting than public transportation.
Emma: Well, I wanted to apologize for letting you guys down yesterday during the delivery.
Lou: To be fair, you were unconscious.
Emma: So I did what I do best. Decorate!
Zuri: Aw, it's a sheep nursery. I love it.
Lou: This is adorable, Emma.
Emma: Thank you.
Zuri: Although that stuffed animal's going to freak them out.
Lou: Yeah, bears are a sheep's natural predator, Emma. What were you thinking?
Emma: You know, you could've just stopped at thank you.
Lou: Thank you. Well, Woodchucks, I have to say your barn duty started out- Well, like doody, but you really turned it around. I salute you. (All chittering) And I have news. Next week, we're on plumbing duty. Sadly, the septic tank hasn't been pumped since the '80s, and it is stinky!
Emma: (Thuds)
Zuri: We should tie a pillow to the back of her head.

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